L my Love:

There was a dream, a nightmare really, I used to have when I was a teen.  It was a nightmare of my boyfriend at the time having a party at his house and I learned I was uninvited.  It was a horribly alone and abandoned feeling I would get walking up to the door of his house only to learn he wouldn’t be answering the door because he was already having fun inside with everyone he wanted to be around.  Sans his loving girlfriend of many years. 

Tonight...I’m sitting here in a hotel room in Fort Worth, alone.  I’m not on vacation, I booked myself a room here because I need to get a good night’s rest before my race in the morning. The race I signed up for Aortic Aneurysm.  That thing you have...I’ll be running 6 miles in the rain thinking about how I have been thrown away like trash. Cast aside like the ring off a milk jug. 

This is also the first time I’ve been left alone in 2 weeks.  I had a seizure AND I’ve been on suicide watch. I had a seizure AND I’ve been on suicide watch and I’m alone in a hotel room.  Think about that for a minute. I am blessed enough to have 2 or 3 people each night check on me to make sure I haven’t taken a shitload of sleeping pills and gotten in the tub.  I even googled how many pills I’d have to take of my anti-seizure meds only to learn I couldn’t kill myself with those even if I took 100 pills. 

Each one of those friends them has asked me why I couldn’t go on.  It’s not completely what you may think, but some of it is. I had a death in my family, I failed a professional certification exam, the Frisco PD closed my case with no finding, my roller derby team disbanded, my roommate left without paying bills.  Then, I have these emotional conversations you and I had. You were hinting at a major problem. I tried to keep the conversation light over the next few days, but you abruptly cut me off and literally disappeared on me during my birthday after we discussed what we’d do for my birthday. What the Hell L?  

I mean, WHAT the HELL? Do you have ANY IDEA what some of your behavior does to someone who is interested in your life and trying her best to show care and concern? You deserve amazing love and support for finding a way to care for 2 girls in this type of situation.  You deserve outstanding love and support as a veteran. I have spent time caring for you for serious medical issues, and then you send me messages like this, then you disappear. For someone like me, it is a world-altering experience that sucks the life out of you. I’m suddenly no longer needed or appreciated from one day to the next.  What the actual hell?

I scrolled down some more in my texts from you and found these:

<screenshots redacted>

How could I be more clear?  I wasn’t sure if you wanted me in your life, so I asked and you said yes, then you completely stopped talking to me. Just to be clear, the last thing you said to me was that I would get to see you.  When I see that...it makes me wonder if you planned this disappearance. I really don’t think you did. I think something stressful, maybe many stressful things happened at the same time and you just shut down. You shut down and became embarrassed that you couldn’t participate in any conversation with me. Embarrassed for some reason.    

I would like for you to know I googled multiple ways to kill myself because I do not own a gun.  I searched for people to care for my animals. I laid out reasons for why the world would be better without me to my friends and family.  I had to talk my mother out of sending me to a psych ward. Even during my days as a drug addict I never had to be monitored this closely.  

Right now the only thing that turned me around was the fact that I KNOW you read my last message to you and you still haven’t blocked me.  I felt better getting through to you instead of sitting looking at my texts wondering what day it was you blocked me. What was ACTUALLTY the last thing I said to you?
 
<screenshot redacted>
Why oh WHY would you do this to me?  I literally felt 1 inch tall after being pushed away like this after feeling important enough for you to brave a crowd.  Was I wrong or was I lied to? You met my best friend. We worked on a book together and celebrated some successes for you. I really don’t know because you have literally disappeared.  Abandoned me. This is torture and is starting to become a pattern. 

BUT, for someone like me...it is also a slog uphill I know the pain and misery of by keeping my head up and being thankful I did my squats.  I always make it. Always. Anyone who counts on me is not disappointed. It is just often just a question of how miserable am I allowing myself to get to make that trek again?  How long am I going to tell my heart to be patient? To tell it the burn will not last forever. Each and every time you disappeared on me in the past, I waited before telling myself to move on.  As soon as I did you would reach out again. 

Today I am going to be the one reaching out.  But for the last time. This is the last time I am going to contact you.  I want to talk to you more than anything in the world right now. I am perfectly open to speaking with you any time you want to resume contact.  I think you have experienced in the past I am quite kind and forgiving, but do not forget easily and I will want an answer. But this is the last time I will make this move.  

I would also like for you to apologize to me.  Not for your circumstances but for the pain you caused I would like for you to tell me what really happened.  Because this behavior is highly sketchy, it makes me worry you are seeing someone else. And, at the very least I would like to have an actual conversation about if you intend to keep dating me.  Above all I want the truth. 


Pippi