barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
This is going to be long, sorry...but I would really appreciate any thoughts as I'm in a real state about this.
I've been seeing my therapist for about 2.5 years. I have been very fortunate in that the company I used to work for has paid for all my sessions with her. She charges high fees. Altogether, my ex-work have spent over £20k on my therapy. I feel incredibly lucky that I had that opportunity, although it has always been a worry at the back of my mind that when the money ran out, what would I do?
I no longer work for that company and the sessions they had pre-paid for have now run out - last week was my final session that they had paid for.
My therapist has said all along that, whatever happens, when we got to the end of my paid-for sessions, if I still had work to do we would continue to work together if that's what I wanted to do. When I would panic and protest that I couldn't afford her, she would always be reassuring and say we'd work something out, that she's not he sort of therapist to leave a client hanging, that she charges high fees so that means she can also work with people who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it, that she's even worked with people for free before etc.
About three months ago, she brought up that we only had ten paid for hours left, so my anxiety and insecurity around the uncertainty has been ramped up since then. Several times over the past few months, I have told her that I desperately want to keep working with her but I can't afford her. Each time, she reassured me that we would work something out and that she "wouldn't abandon me."
My current work and financial situation is dire and I have been honest with her about that - I even told her how much (little!) money I had in my bank towards the end of last year. So, she knows how difficult things are financially at the moment. I am self-employed but work has dried up, a couple of things I was banking on for this year fell through and I haven't felt in a good place in myself so I haven't had the energy, drive, motivation, head space etc to commit to growing my business and trying to dig myself out of the hole I am in. I do have one potential thing in the pipeline that, if it comes off in the way I want, will turn my finances around for at least a few months. Without it though, I have nothing else lined up for now - I know I have to do something about that but I just feel so...broken. My partner is paying for everything for both of us at the moment and it's a real struggle.
Anyway - despite the fact that "what's next?" has come up a few times in past weeks and I always said about being worried about money and she always said that we would work something out, we didn't actually have the conversation about what the working something out would look like. That was partly because I was sometimes avoiding the conversation because it made me feel uncomfortable or because it felt a long way off so I prioritised talking about other topics. And partly because, when I did bring it up and say we needed to agree the plan because I was feeling very stressed about it, she just wouldn't have that conversation. So I started to feel more reassured that she didn't seem bothered about the money and she seemed to just be trusting that it would all work out, so the last few weeks I have calmed down about it and have been trusting those things too.
Then, last week...our last paid for session. I assumed she would bring it up straight away and she didn't so we just had a normal session. Then she got her diary out to book in our next session and I felt a bit stunned because I didn't see how we could book another session in when we hadn't agreed how we were having more sessions/what they were going to cost etc. So I mentioned that it was our last one and she said she hadn't realised (I don't see how she didn't know!) so then she asked me to email her telling her what I can afford.
That felt horrendously uncomfortable and I asked if she could just tell me how much she wanted and she insisted that, no, I needed to email her telling her what I can manage.
So, I spoke to my partner and we looked through our finances and we talked about how my therapist had been about all this so far and all her reassurances and that, seeing as she'd let it go to the wire and was booking a session in with me without us having agreed fees, we thought that maybe the fee wasn't going to matter all that much to her in the short term. Anyway, I emailed her and was very honest. I said what I could manage, said I felt very embarrassed that it was so low and that the last thing I wanted to do was piss her off or insult her. But, at the moment, that's what I could afford and that I knew I had to get more proactive about work so I would do that and I have another meeting about this other potential big project lined up and that as soon as things picked up I would let her know and we could then reassess. It was an excruciating, mortifying, stressful email to write and send.
She emailed me back this morning, thanking me for my email but saying the fee I'd proposed wasn't possible for her. So instead she suggested that as from our next session (which is tomorrow) we do once a month for £80 a session.
I was in the middle of a supermarket when the email came through and I just burst into tears. And I have barely stopped crying since.
I am beyond upset. Disappointed that I can't get what I want/need from her. Humiliated and ashamed that my offer was too low but it's all I can afford. Angry with her because the months and months and months of "don't worry, we'll work something out, I've even worked with people for free before" now just feels like total bullshit. And also annoyed with her because she must have known that this was where we'd end up weeks ago when I told her how little money was in my bank and that I had no work lined up. And she let me carry on thinking "we'll work something out" and then pushed me to send her the email with what I could afford and has now said no. She said last week that she thought doing the fee conversation over email would be easier for me. I think it actually just made it easier for her because she knew she would be rejecting my fee proposal and suggesting cutting our sessions right down and that would be easier for her over email instead of telling me face to face.
How am I supposed to be ok with just starting this new arrangement tomorrow?? With no warning, we're just going from 90 mins a week to one hour a month?! And at a time when I've shared new, sensitive stuff with her, which we haven't then really talked about together. And when I've got a surgery next month and we haven't yet discussed the things to do with that which are freaking me out (She knows there are things I'm freaking out about that I've said I want to talk to her about but I haven't brought these up with her yet because I didn't have any idea that I wouldn't be seeing her weekly until then so I thought I had plenty of time).
I have no idea about what to do about my session tomorrow. The session that's going to cost me £80 and then I won't see her again for another month. I can't see how I'm not going to just sit and cry all session.
I don't know whether I should just walk away. Maybe I have become too attached to her that I can't view our relationship/our work together objectively and perhaps working with her isn't actually in service to me now.
But the thought of not seeing her anymore...I can't bear the thought of that. All I want is to keep seeing her, to find a way to make that happen. And I feel so pathetic about that. But it's like an intense, painful, physical ache if I think about not seeing her anymore.
But even if I can somehow get the money to see her more often (e.g. If this potential work project comes off) I don't know where we go from here. I feel like she's handled this so badly (not just the email today but the whole thing of the last few months) and has strung me along with pretty meaningless reassurances when she must have known weeks ago that this is where we'd end up.
And I know she has offered something - £80 for one hour long session a month. So, I suppose she has "worked something out" and she is not abandoning me. And of course it is her right to decide what fee she is prepared to work for. But what she is now proposing is a long, long way from what we have been doing and to just go to that with no notice...it's really, really hard. And I don't know that I trust her any more. Because now it feels like there's been a whole load of bullshit when what really matters is the money.
I feel so hurt, so worthless and so let down. And so angry with myself and ashamed of myself for getting myself into this position and for being so pathetic and so needy and so attached. I've been so stupid.
So, I suppose the biggest question right now is what do I do about the session tomorrow? Do I go? If I go, what do I say? If I don't go...does that really mean that I'm not going back at all?
And then what? I don't think she will negotiate at all. I think I either agree to £80 once a month or I try to find the money to go maybe twice a month. Or I wait til work/finances pick up and then go back to seeing her weekly. Or I call it a day. And the latter feels unbearable and unthinkable. But I'm sure there will be plenty of people who think that sounds like the best option.
Thanks for reading. And if you reply, please be gentle with me, no matter how stupid or naive or pathetic you think I have been about this whole situation.
I've been seeing my therapist for about 2.5 years. I have been very fortunate in that the company I used to work for has paid for all my sessions with her. She charges high fees. Altogether, my ex-work have spent over £20k on my therapy. I feel incredibly lucky that I had that opportunity, although it has always been a worry at the back of my mind that when the money ran out, what would I do?
I no longer work for that company and the sessions they had pre-paid for have now run out - last week was my final session that they had paid for.
My therapist has said all along that, whatever happens, when we got to the end of my paid-for sessions, if I still had work to do we would continue to work together if that's what I wanted to do. When I would panic and protest that I couldn't afford her, she would always be reassuring and say we'd work something out, that she's not he sort of therapist to leave a client hanging, that she charges high fees so that means she can also work with people who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it, that she's even worked with people for free before etc.
About three months ago, she brought up that we only had ten paid for hours left, so my anxiety and insecurity around the uncertainty has been ramped up since then. Several times over the past few months, I have told her that I desperately want to keep working with her but I can't afford her. Each time, she reassured me that we would work something out and that she "wouldn't abandon me."
My current work and financial situation is dire and I have been honest with her about that - I even told her how much (little!) money I had in my bank towards the end of last year. So, she knows how difficult things are financially at the moment. I am self-employed but work has dried up, a couple of things I was banking on for this year fell through and I haven't felt in a good place in myself so I haven't had the energy, drive, motivation, head space etc to commit to growing my business and trying to dig myself out of the hole I am in. I do have one potential thing in the pipeline that, if it comes off in the way I want, will turn my finances around for at least a few months. Without it though, I have nothing else lined up for now - I know I have to do something about that but I just feel so...broken. My partner is paying for everything for both of us at the moment and it's a real struggle.
Anyway - despite the fact that "what's next?" has come up a few times in past weeks and I always said about being worried about money and she always said that we would work something out, we didn't actually have the conversation about what the working something out would look like. That was partly because I was sometimes avoiding the conversation because it made me feel uncomfortable or because it felt a long way off so I prioritised talking about other topics. And partly because, when I did bring it up and say we needed to agree the plan because I was feeling very stressed about it, she just wouldn't have that conversation. So I started to feel more reassured that she didn't seem bothered about the money and she seemed to just be trusting that it would all work out, so the last few weeks I have calmed down about it and have been trusting those things too.
Then, last week...our last paid for session. I assumed she would bring it up straight away and she didn't so we just had a normal session. Then she got her diary out to book in our next session and I felt a bit stunned because I didn't see how we could book another session in when we hadn't agreed how we were having more sessions/what they were going to cost etc. So I mentioned that it was our last one and she said she hadn't realised (I don't see how she didn't know!) so then she asked me to email her telling her what I can afford.
That felt horrendously uncomfortable and I asked if she could just tell me how much she wanted and she insisted that, no, I needed to email her telling her what I can manage.
So, I spoke to my partner and we looked through our finances and we talked about how my therapist had been about all this so far and all her reassurances and that, seeing as she'd let it go to the wire and was booking a session in with me without us having agreed fees, we thought that maybe the fee wasn't going to matter all that much to her in the short term. Anyway, I emailed her and was very honest. I said what I could manage, said I felt very embarrassed that it was so low and that the last thing I wanted to do was piss her off or insult her. But, at the moment, that's what I could afford and that I knew I had to get more proactive about work so I would do that and I have another meeting about this other potential big project lined up and that as soon as things picked up I would let her know and we could then reassess. It was an excruciating, mortifying, stressful email to write and send.
She emailed me back this morning, thanking me for my email but saying the fee I'd proposed wasn't possible for her. So instead she suggested that as from our next session (which is tomorrow) we do once a month for £80 a session.
I was in the middle of a supermarket when the email came through and I just burst into tears. And I have barely stopped crying since.
I am beyond upset. Disappointed that I can't get what I want/need from her. Humiliated and ashamed that my offer was too low but it's all I can afford. Angry with her because the months and months and months of "don't worry, we'll work something out, I've even worked with people for free before" now just feels like total bullshit. And also annoyed with her because she must have known that this was where we'd end up weeks ago when I told her how little money was in my bank and that I had no work lined up. And she let me carry on thinking "we'll work something out" and then pushed me to send her the email with what I could afford and has now said no. She said last week that she thought doing the fee conversation over email would be easier for me. I think it actually just made it easier for her because she knew she would be rejecting my fee proposal and suggesting cutting our sessions right down and that would be easier for her over email instead of telling me face to face.
How am I supposed to be ok with just starting this new arrangement tomorrow?? With no warning, we're just going from 90 mins a week to one hour a month?! And at a time when I've shared new, sensitive stuff with her, which we haven't then really talked about together. And when I've got a surgery next month and we haven't yet discussed the things to do with that which are freaking me out (She knows there are things I'm freaking out about that I've said I want to talk to her about but I haven't brought these up with her yet because I didn't have any idea that I wouldn't be seeing her weekly until then so I thought I had plenty of time).
I have no idea about what to do about my session tomorrow. The session that's going to cost me £80 and then I won't see her again for another month. I can't see how I'm not going to just sit and cry all session.
I don't know whether I should just walk away. Maybe I have become too attached to her that I can't view our relationship/our work together objectively and perhaps working with her isn't actually in service to me now.
But the thought of not seeing her anymore...I can't bear the thought of that. All I want is to keep seeing her, to find a way to make that happen. And I feel so pathetic about that. But it's like an intense, painful, physical ache if I think about not seeing her anymore.
But even if I can somehow get the money to see her more often (e.g. If this potential work project comes off) I don't know where we go from here. I feel like she's handled this so badly (not just the email today but the whole thing of the last few months) and has strung me along with pretty meaningless reassurances when she must have known weeks ago that this is where we'd end up.
And I know she has offered something - £80 for one hour long session a month. So, I suppose she has "worked something out" and she is not abandoning me. And of course it is her right to decide what fee she is prepared to work for. But what she is now proposing is a long, long way from what we have been doing and to just go to that with no notice...it's really, really hard. And I don't know that I trust her any more. Because now it feels like there's been a whole load of bullshit when what really matters is the money.
I feel so hurt, so worthless and so let down. And so angry with myself and ashamed of myself for getting myself into this position and for being so pathetic and so needy and so attached. I've been so stupid.
So, I suppose the biggest question right now is what do I do about the session tomorrow? Do I go? If I go, what do I say? If I don't go...does that really mean that I'm not going back at all?
And then what? I don't think she will negotiate at all. I think I either agree to £80 once a month or I try to find the money to go maybe twice a month. Or I wait til work/finances pick up and then go back to seeing her weekly. Or I call it a day. And the latter feels unbearable and unthinkable. But I'm sure there will be plenty of people who think that sounds like the best option.
Thanks for reading. And if you reply, please be gentle with me, no matter how stupid or naive or pathetic you think I have been about this whole situation.