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What, exactly, don't you want to care about?I don't want to care anymore.
That one right there....... I handled that by deciding she was a grown up, she could make her own choices. I said I was as available as anyone wanted me to be. No one wanted me to be available, so I decided to do them a favor by not disturbing their lives. (In the process, I gave them someone to complain about, because, once again, I wasn't doing the 'right' thing.)I don't want to feel the guilt I feel for not being there for her even though she rejects my attempts.
There are a lot of important relationships in this world that don't depend on biology. And, you're right, her death won't really change anything. If she's a narc, there really isn't a possibility of a reconciliation anyway.I truly will be all alone in this world.
I had a lot of conversations with my T about "feeling guilty for not feeling guilty (or anything else)" towards the end of my mother's life. He frequently asked, "Do you honestly think there's anything you can do or say that's going to produce a different outcome this time?" There wasn't. Which was his point. It's kind of hard to live with the idea that you can't "fix" something when you both want to and were raised to think it was your responsibility. (That was kind of the deal. "If you can just get it 'right', this time will be different." Except that the first rule of the game was "You can never get it 'right', no matter what.')I just don't want that guilt again