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General When nothing helps

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Esterio

MyPTSD Pro
I have been the go to safe person for a girl now for over 40 years now. We have been through many horrible times together. She calls me many when she is in crisis. She comes from a family of 10 children. Her abuse started as a toddler. There family life was deplorable.

There are only 4 of the kids still alive today, all the rest have left us now by suicide. Two of the girls I went to school with and we were friends. One of the boys was someone that I believe has been the only one to truly show me love. Before he Died he told his youngest brother that if he was ever in need of someone to trust to come to me. He did and I was his safe person for many years until he took his own life while I was away at work. That is a short bit of history, I will have to write a full accounting of them someday in my Trauma diary.

Now to the present. I have been a safe person for her for many years. (Since she was12) I know I have helped to keep her alive now for many years. This summer I have rescued her many times. Got her to her doctor and got her back onto her medication. We talk lots and she makes a plan to help herself. When I get her up in the morning everything has changed she dissociates and is gone again.

I am not sure home many times this has happened in the last 4 or 5 months. This weekend was really bad and we talked and I got her some power bars and boost drinks and had her in a hotel for a couple of night between me and her old boss when she worked outreach helping out street kids on the downtown east side Vancouver.. Any way he called the outreach nurse to come and see her. I don't know what happened but she left the hotel and went back on the street. The next morning when I found out she was gone again I called the outreach myself and talk to them. They went out right away and found her sitting On the curb on the side of the road and asked her if she would like to talk she told them to go away and leave her alone.

My questions are am I just enabling her to avoid care? Should I continue to help her even though I don't think I am helping? I just really don't know what to say when my phone rings and she is needing help. What more can I do? Is this hurting me more?

Peace be safe thanks for reading this
 
Yikes. You're in a tough spot. This is too much for one person to deal with. She needs professional care. And if she's not willing to follow through with it I don't see things changing. I would call the suicide prevention line and ask for their assistance.

Is she on drugs or alcohol?

Sorry your friend is hurting so bad!
 
I have had people like you in my life in the past 10 years. They have literally kept me alive. I honestly don't know what I would have done without these angel friends of mine. I sometimes suffer from survivor guilt. I wonder to myself every day --- why am I so lucky as to have the support that I do?

I can't tell you what is right for you. I can just say that from the perspective of someone on the receiving end of your type of investment (which I am certain comes at a high price to you), that there isn't a moment that I don't pray that if there is a heaven, that my peeps go there. No pearly gates.... just straight in.

I thank you for being so human.

In a practical sense..... Gabor Mate is in Vancouver, is he not? I know he is a big wig now, but does he have an organization that does work for him. He is superb with trauma. He seriously gets it.

Also, what can we here do to support you? Sounds like you might be a bit tapped out as you have been supporting so many others. Please let us know.
 
You can only support as much as you can psychologically handle... make sure you're taking care of yourself and setting boundaries to keep things from going farther than you can handle.

As long as you are comfortable you're doing the right thing.

You're not a trained mental health professional. All you can do as a supporter is offer support. Ultimately it is up to her to seek treatment.
 
In a practical sense..... Gabor Mate is in Vancouver, is he not? I know he is a big wig now, but does he have an organization that does work for him. He is superb with trauma. He seriously gets it.
I have never heard of Gabor Mate.
I know I have done everything I can to help my friend. It is taking more of a toll on me now. My T told me that I have taken on to much trauma that does not belong to me. I think he is wrong their suicides have caused me a lot of trauma. I have been in their lives and watch helpless to stop the unavoidable. It has traumatized me a lot. Last year A friend was moving from an apartment that was below the apartment I lived in in 1985 when this girl that I helps brother killed himself at my kitchen table.
The apartment above her was being remodelled and they tore up the carpets and the land lord showed her what they found. Under the carpet was a big black patch he was wondering what it was. She knew but did not tell him. She made the mistake of telling me.
I started to have flash backs to all kinds of things that happened by the next day I broke down at my volunteer position had a panic attack in front of over 100 people that know me and fled.
I was heavily isolated It took me 2 months to get to my doctor for help and 2 more months before I joined here and started therapy. that was January this year. In the last few months I started to get my self out I got back to my volunteer position for 1 day a week. Now I am having to deal with his sister lots she only calls when she is in crisis. I do not know how to say no I can't help you any more this is killing me.
Thank you for your response.
Peace be safe
 
You can only support as much as you can psychologically handle... make sure you're taking care of yourself and setting boundaries to keep things from going farther than you can handle.
I wonder how you can set boundaries with someone that is dissociated and does not even have a clue. She called me from the hospital once I could not understand a thing she said all but hospital. I knew it was her so I went I am the only one that she will let see her except if she can get hold of her brother. So I went to the hospital and talked with the pshyc nurse. They told me she was brought to the hospital by police and she had nothing no cloths or anything else. They were taken back when she asked for the phone and just dialled my number she couldn't even talk but she knew my number. How do you set up boundaries in that kind of situation.
Thank you for your post
Peace be safe
 
Is she on drugs or alcohol?
She does not drink and never really has. She has a pain medication that she is addicted to but she needs her leg fixed before they can get her off of that. She does not do well with medications. I go and pick them up for her and she will loose them in 2 or 3 days and have nothing for the rest of the week. She needs to be on her medication and then she is ok but she has not been able to hold on to them. She looses everything that you give her. I try to feed her when ever I find her but It has gotten to the point I don't think I am helping and I sent professional help for her but she told them to go away. I feel like the end is close they can not take her of the street until she attempts is what they have told me as she will just walk away if they don't have her in lock up. I don't think there is anything I can do but wait tell I get the news now. It make me feel helpless.
Peace be safe
thanks for the response
 
I have no idea what's available where you live.....But. It really sounds like she needs some kind of inpatient treatment and then a bunch of help getting her life on track. Way more help than the average individual can provide.

The suicide of a friend, or anyone you care about and feel responsible for is hard. It takes a toll. I don't think you'd be anything like a decent human being if it didn't. This situation, no matter how she dies, is going to take a toll too. I suppose there's nothing there that would get her involuntarily committed and then some actual help?
 
Thank you all for your responses. At this point I feel I have failed to help my friend this time. I just don't see anything good happening her. She gave me her son's phone number last week. I have been scared she is going to kill herself this time and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.I feel helpless.
peace be safe
Thank you all
 
I suppose there's nothing there that would get her involuntarily committed and then some actual help?
They tell me she has to attempt to hurt herself or someone else before she can be arrested on a mental health warrant. If she would threaten to hurt her self that would be good. She has been in inpatient care several times now. She really knows the rules and is not breaking any at this point. They do not want to take her voluntary this time as then they get her stable and she disappears before they can help her. as she has done now several times.
Peace be safe
thanks for your responcse
 
Setting boundaries is all about controlling your behavior, not hers. For instance, instead of saying "you can't keep calling me for help if you're not seeking treatment", you say "if you keep calling for help without seeking treatment then I can no longer be the fixer." She can chose to respect that boundary or not. It's up to you to enforce it.

Boundaries are critical in a supporter/sufferer relationship. If not things get codependent and unhealthy very quickly. Like I said earlier... you have to decide how much you can help without compromising your own mental health.
 
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