I am feeling so down at the moment.
My anxiety/PTSD is affecting me a lot right now.
I am on a temporary contract with my job and that is coming to an end, and I have had getting on for 100 rejections in the past 6 months or so, if not more. My industry (publishing) is just so competitive, it expects people to have done months and months of internships, which I just can't afford to do. I recently had 2 rejections from my own department, which has made me feel completely betrayed and unwanted.
I feel like nobody wants me at work, I have very few friends outside of work, and I got dumped recently (by text). I just keep running to the bathroom and crying.
My last 2 therapy sessions have been over the phone, so I haven't felt comfortable mentioning all of this. And the therapy is dealing with the trauma, rather than just feeling depressed about my career. But all of this has given my self-esteem a hammering and I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to go back 10 years and take a different path. I want to have stuck at Science, because I was good at it, rather than Literature because it was easier. I don't want to be in this life anymore. The whole trajectory just feels wrong.
If I'd have stuck at Science, I wouldn't have moved to London. I wouldn't have been on Westminster Bridge. I wouldn't be suffering PTSD. I wouldn't be struggling to make ends meet each month. I wouldn't be working with a group of people who have basically all stabbed me in the back. I wouldn't be working in an industry that's almost all women, so therefore wouldn't be stuck going on endless online dates with f*ckboys.
And I would probably be a lot happier.
I feel lonely, and wrong, and I don't know what to do.
My anxiety/PTSD is affecting me a lot right now.
I am on a temporary contract with my job and that is coming to an end, and I have had getting on for 100 rejections in the past 6 months or so, if not more. My industry (publishing) is just so competitive, it expects people to have done months and months of internships, which I just can't afford to do. I recently had 2 rejections from my own department, which has made me feel completely betrayed and unwanted.
I feel like nobody wants me at work, I have very few friends outside of work, and I got dumped recently (by text). I just keep running to the bathroom and crying.
My last 2 therapy sessions have been over the phone, so I haven't felt comfortable mentioning all of this. And the therapy is dealing with the trauma, rather than just feeling depressed about my career. But all of this has given my self-esteem a hammering and I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to go back 10 years and take a different path. I want to have stuck at Science, because I was good at it, rather than Literature because it was easier. I don't want to be in this life anymore. The whole trajectory just feels wrong.
If I'd have stuck at Science, I wouldn't have moved to London. I wouldn't have been on Westminster Bridge. I wouldn't be suffering PTSD. I wouldn't be struggling to make ends meet each month. I wouldn't be working with a group of people who have basically all stabbed me in the back. I wouldn't be working in an industry that's almost all women, so therefore wouldn't be stuck going on endless online dates with f*ckboys.
And I would probably be a lot happier.
I feel lonely, and wrong, and I don't know what to do.