Devoted2EV
New Here
Hello! This is my first post on here so forgive me for how long this post will be. I'm sure much of my questions and confusion was addressed in similar posts in the forum but I thought it might be best to share my experience with you all (a venting session if you will).
Here's my situation:
I've loved a man whom I've worked with in the past, for nearly six years now. Our relationship formed rather quickly and unexpectedly into what it is now: beautifully complex. He's a very compassionate and kind-hearted man. He's the perfect dreamer with a touch of realism that makes him genuine and rare. He truly inspires me and supports my decisions and objectives.
This amazing man; however, has many personal demons that are seemingly triggered around the winter months. He would have somber episodes of guilt and shame that would be randomly resurrected at times where we would bond with one another. I'm a huge talker, and I love to tell him every little thing about my day, about how I feel; he soaks it in for the most part and is often quiet but I always took that as being a part of his personality (being simplistic). After a few years, I started to notice his patterns of withdrawals from me. He'd ghost me for weeks and his moods would dangle from a pendulum. At first, he told me that he had seasonal depression. I have seasonal depression, so some of his symptoms and what I'd observe of him didn't seem very typical of seasonal depression, but I didn't want to pry with questions since I made those mistakes in the beginning of our relationship.
Naturally when you're getting to know someone, you ask questions. When I'd ask him about his family and childhood, that's when the sails would take a turn south into a dark storm.
He'd reveal his past in puzzle pieces where I was left to collect and configure. I never knew if I'd complete HIS picture or what I perceived since I was given so little detail, but when he would purge it out, it was heavy and grim. He came from a severely abused childhood, filled with inappropriate sexual undertones, was sexually, physically, and mentally abused. I knew that I wasn't dealing with seasonal depression...I suspected that he may have PTSD since he'd almost go in a trance when he'd share these traumatic moments with me, but I just wasn't sure, and I was fearful to ask since he is very sensitive. Usually after he'd purge, we'd have a very sweet and close moment of bonding...but the next day, he'd be extremely cold and would withdraw from me, sometimes for weeks at a time.
I like for him to feel that he's steering us. I don't want to diminish his potential by how he acts sometimes when he's reliving his moments. He has NEVER said an ill word to me, but he will self-loathe and call himself a monster, a demon, worthless, a nothing, a nobody.... I don't know how to help him since we have a very unconventional relationship that is long-distant (so I'm unable to have physical contact with him often).
January is the worst of all winter months. He completely withdraws from me for weeks at a time. Yesterday I was in for a bit of a shock...I was a bit down about our relationship and told him that I think it's best that we try to work on ourselves. He agreed, painfully, and then had a bit of an episode, and told me after 6 years that he has PTSD. I'm a little shocked since he chose to tell me now...he says he lives in fear daily and that he feels extensive shame.
I'm reading literature on PTSD to better our relationship and my understanding for him, but since he told me that he has PTSD, he has withdrawn from me and I'm afraid that I'll have to deal with what I had been the past two Januarys where he will ghost me for several months of no contact. When I told him I loved him a few years back, he withdrew terribly too. I used to think he was being humble when I'd praise him or show him affection, but reevaluating those moments show me that those were all eminent signs of someone with PTSD. He wouldn't let me give him pleasure (romantically) yet he was eager to show me. He's selfless and sacrificial and feels so undeserving of love. He often tells me that he views me very highly and that I'm on a pedestal.
**Should I tell him right now that I am reading literature on PTSD so that we can walk this battle together? Or would that make him withdraw from me even more? **
I used to believe that something I'd say or talk about would trigger a depressive episode with him and he'd constantly tell me that "it's not you, it's me." He has a very difficult time expressing himself into words and a hard time comprehending and mapping his inflictions, but he shows so much love and gratitude by his actions.
Here's my situation:
I've loved a man whom I've worked with in the past, for nearly six years now. Our relationship formed rather quickly and unexpectedly into what it is now: beautifully complex. He's a very compassionate and kind-hearted man. He's the perfect dreamer with a touch of realism that makes him genuine and rare. He truly inspires me and supports my decisions and objectives.
This amazing man; however, has many personal demons that are seemingly triggered around the winter months. He would have somber episodes of guilt and shame that would be randomly resurrected at times where we would bond with one another. I'm a huge talker, and I love to tell him every little thing about my day, about how I feel; he soaks it in for the most part and is often quiet but I always took that as being a part of his personality (being simplistic). After a few years, I started to notice his patterns of withdrawals from me. He'd ghost me for weeks and his moods would dangle from a pendulum. At first, he told me that he had seasonal depression. I have seasonal depression, so some of his symptoms and what I'd observe of him didn't seem very typical of seasonal depression, but I didn't want to pry with questions since I made those mistakes in the beginning of our relationship.
Naturally when you're getting to know someone, you ask questions. When I'd ask him about his family and childhood, that's when the sails would take a turn south into a dark storm.
He'd reveal his past in puzzle pieces where I was left to collect and configure. I never knew if I'd complete HIS picture or what I perceived since I was given so little detail, but when he would purge it out, it was heavy and grim. He came from a severely abused childhood, filled with inappropriate sexual undertones, was sexually, physically, and mentally abused. I knew that I wasn't dealing with seasonal depression...I suspected that he may have PTSD since he'd almost go in a trance when he'd share these traumatic moments with me, but I just wasn't sure, and I was fearful to ask since he is very sensitive. Usually after he'd purge, we'd have a very sweet and close moment of bonding...but the next day, he'd be extremely cold and would withdraw from me, sometimes for weeks at a time.
I like for him to feel that he's steering us. I don't want to diminish his potential by how he acts sometimes when he's reliving his moments. He has NEVER said an ill word to me, but he will self-loathe and call himself a monster, a demon, worthless, a nothing, a nobody.... I don't know how to help him since we have a very unconventional relationship that is long-distant (so I'm unable to have physical contact with him often).
January is the worst of all winter months. He completely withdraws from me for weeks at a time. Yesterday I was in for a bit of a shock...I was a bit down about our relationship and told him that I think it's best that we try to work on ourselves. He agreed, painfully, and then had a bit of an episode, and told me after 6 years that he has PTSD. I'm a little shocked since he chose to tell me now...he says he lives in fear daily and that he feels extensive shame.
I'm reading literature on PTSD to better our relationship and my understanding for him, but since he told me that he has PTSD, he has withdrawn from me and I'm afraid that I'll have to deal with what I had been the past two Januarys where he will ghost me for several months of no contact. When I told him I loved him a few years back, he withdrew terribly too. I used to think he was being humble when I'd praise him or show him affection, but reevaluating those moments show me that those were all eminent signs of someone with PTSD. He wouldn't let me give him pleasure (romantically) yet he was eager to show me. He's selfless and sacrificial and feels so undeserving of love. He often tells me that he views me very highly and that I'm on a pedestal.
**Should I tell him right now that I am reading literature on PTSD so that we can walk this battle together? Or would that make him withdraw from me even more? **
I used to believe that something I'd say or talk about would trigger a depressive episode with him and he'd constantly tell me that "it's not you, it's me." He has a very difficult time expressing himself into words and a hard time comprehending and mapping his inflictions, but he shows so much love and gratitude by his actions.