• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I have to work some things out

  • Thread starter Deleted member 44394
  • Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Deleted member 44394

My goal in this thread is to make it a big deal - but there are some things I need to work out or talk about, there are serious things bothering me that won't go away. I'm going to do my best to be honest, directly concise and simple as well as accurate. So that I can be helped.
I'm not happy. It's been a long time since I've ever been happy, really ever since I was 13 which is most of my adult life. There are a lot of factors, a lot of things happening and going on, and it's hard to figure out just what's going on. I think I've narrowed it down however to a few key issues. I have some key issues like emotion regulation, extreme thoughts and moods that fluctuate constantly more than average or normal. I've had this ever since I was a teenager and I went through this depression.
This is what I've suspected for a long time and it keeps coming back to me over again for many, many years - I can't say for sure but I think the big, or one of the big reasons for my unhappiness, is the materialism of American modern life. I think that's it along with individualism. See, to me I was raised up to be happier talking with people openly, not a 'me' centered attitude or approach to life, but selfless, giving...and a much more spiritual view (in the Greek sense of soul/body division) of life or a clear distinction between the spiritual and material things. This is what I think. I'm not certain - but I have traveled and lived in many other countries and I can say for certain; that I felt more at home, like I belonged there, more happiness...friendships, love, and family living was better when I lived overseas in places like Turkey, Italy or even Germany for example. This has always bothered me, and always American life has always depressed me and made me feel lonely, sad and frustrated and confused; I feel insecure also because of want of material things and feeling of separation/ competition.
I'm not bashing America. I'm simply pointing out to things that I think made and make a huge difference for me, that are sometimes often not addressed as underlying causes - while things like Emotion dysregulation, depression, anxiety often are; and quite possibly could be caused by those factors I mentioned.
I can make it here, I just feel I'm struggling and I'm never happy. And I'm always alone. I don't have a group here that I do things with either, at all. I just work and come home, and spend time with family. Family is what saves me. I just feel lonely and miserable.
I've tried to make it here, but I think I will always feel this way unless I do something about it. Or, I feel I have to get used to it. I don't have a good job situation right now, or situation in general. I'm not sure and that's not helping. I want a good career with upward management, friends..decent income, a relationship; you know all of the usual things that someone would want. My problems with people, arguments and blowing up, depression; and the emotionally unregulated self that I have make that damn impossible. I feel alienated and alone most of the time, and unconfident. I don't know if that's the depression speaking, or is it
I've never liked American society deep down, and I've always sort of hated it and never felt that I fit in, I felt that you have to act a certain way all of the time and that's exhausting and fruitless; even as a young man I felt this and no one had to tell me about it.
When I think about it I know moving overseas would help out my problem(s) greatly. Because I moved there before and it did help, according to my memory of it. It helped a lot. I felt much better, much more alive and like I was enjoying life...connecting with others, having fun and not trapped inside some materialistic individualist box, suffering and acting all the time.

I'm sorry if that offends someone, but I had to tell the truth; and it is the truth. Americans for the most part spend their lives in a materialistic treadmill of work and buying things. It's always deep down very lonely so we try to distance ourselves or watch tv, etc. But it never goes away it's like an ache. It seems like a rat race, to me.

Maybe I'm not thinking right or I could be full of it, maybe I'm just stinking in my attitude but I'm not trying to be. I'm trying to see things as accurately as possible.
What do you guys think? What should I do about my problems. The depression, I'm taking Lexapro 10mg right now and just started 3 days ago; hopefully that helps the other problems, like emotional regulation too.
I just don't think life is supposed to be spent being miserable and chasing material gain that never manifests; and when it does leaves you lonelier and more isolated than before. It seems like some scam. Ideally, I'd want to live and work and have a community and a family life balance. I feel that moving overseas would be the best for me, I really do deep down inside my heart. I just know that.
Maybe until that I could make it here, any suggestions for me?
Thanks and thank you for reading.

My goal in this thread is to make it a big deal - but there are some things I need to work out or talk ab...
not* for the first sentence.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
My goal in this thread is to make it a big deal - but there are some things I need to work out or talk ab...
You sound like me. I am all about experiences and could care less about material things. There are more if us out there too. Have you thought about looking for more like minded people? Homesteaders and farmers are one place you can start
 
Maybe it's just my stinking thoughts
You sound like me. I am all about experiences and could care less about material things. There are more...
Yeah, when I go to Farmers market there's always a guy I talk to and he seems very down to earth like that. You could be right. I'm not knocking materialism it has it's place. I just feel happier in a more natural sense; when I have friendship, community, love and all those things. Natural things that you have as children, things that come natural to people everywhere all over the globe.

It also seems weird to me here, that you are supposed to act happy all of the time, even if you lost your job or are poor or don't have much money or something. It just seems disconnected. I think a non- material way of life is much simpler to live; you don't need anything to do it. It is free, open to anyone at anytime. It's much less depressing...but no one is open to it here. I walk down the street and people are angry, inconsiderate, nasty and just extremely mean spirited. You try to smile or say hi to someone and they despise you, or they look on you like a freak or as weak. They are all out for themselves, everyone. We have a society of folks who care nothing about anyone at all - except themselves, and others who can help them gain monetarily, or some other way.
It's a very materialistic society. It's very depressing when you actually really step out of it. Really depressing.
Anyways, I think about a lot and my mood shifts depending on the current I'm on, this is the larger issue and by tomorrow I will have forgotten this and moved onto something else. This morning it was some other issue and then that led to me thinking about something else - like a chain. I guess that's normal? But, the thing is these certain things keep repeating over and over again; my emotion regulation, loneliness, American life - overseas... lack of friendships, thinking of moving overseas, trying to do good here. It switches back and forth because I'm just trying to make it work and decide what's best. I'm confused. I hate thinking like this. I wish I could just commit and that be it.
I feel like I've done nothing and made nothing with my life, and because I'm always in this situation. I can't commit on anything and go nowhere, that seems very terrible to me. I can't accept it anymore. I need to do something; something must be done.
That's why I'm on here seeking advice. I want to pull the trigger and just move, that's what deep down I know would help solve a lot of problems. It's also an issue of financial things. And then, I have to get a job for over there. It's a lot of stress and uncertainty.
I want to work on my situation and things but I wonder how much is treading water; how much will just be solved with a move. How if I keep going back and forth...will I ever get anywhere. How I've tried to commit to doing here, as much as I can but always fail or change up my mind... and start thinking about this again. My life is not working (that great) and I have some problems that I need to have solved.
 
Maybe it's just my stinking thoughts

Yeah, when I go to Farmers market there's always a guy I talk to an...

Oops! My phone was acting wonky and i had to shut it down. Anyway...Not everywhere is like that. Where I live people say hi and smile when they walk past you. Maybe try somewhere else?
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I live in a big city, San Antonio... I think that if my life worked as it was I wouldn't be unhappy. Like, if I had a good job, stability somewhat, I was dating, and had friends; stuff like that. But as it is my life's been somewhat of a disaster...a train wreck. I've had depression ad these other issues my whole life. I think I dream about going overseas because that type of happiness - is a state of mind, that's all it is... and you can find it there en masse more often. You can find it here also but you'll have to go to rural areas like you stated.
I've just not been that successful in the American life here, I'm admitting that. I'm plagued with depression, have troubles with people and arguments, blow up and apparently "never act right, at all", am bipolar if you ask someone, isolate...I'm broke now and have never had gainful employment here in my life, which is very sad. I feel downright cast out and unsuccessful. I'm intelligent and bright...but I'm a total miscast misfit when it comes to playing the part, making money and having friendships over here. Ironically - I make friends very easily overseas...and they last for years, sometimes decades. I think that American life for the most part requires you to put up with tremendous amounts of bullshit, stability, cleverness and wit and a savvy. If any of those are missing, you are SOL.
That's just what I think. I've been a wreck since I left out of my home at 18. I've been plagued by this stuff and it's not gotten any better. I'm somewhat afraid to get a "real job" I think and this procrastination has led me to being and living where I am. Somewhere on the outskirts of society I feel like. I feel as if like I don't even really exist. I could drop off the face of the earth and no one would notice it or even would care; that's how it feels. I just feel like as if a ghost. It's sad.
I don't want to live like this. I want to be successful and happy.. whatever that means. I think I have trouble getting a job because of my resume. I'm applying and applying, have been for 12 months now... can't get anything. I don't know why I just feel dead. I put it off somewhere somehow because I'm afraid or procrastinate. If I really wanted a job I'd have one by now. I guess I don't. It's really sad, I don't want to be like this.
I hope things change for me. I don't feel like I exist. I've spent so much time alone by myself that I've not fit into American society forever. I never feel like I have; has anyone?? I think we all feel like that. But, some are more successful at the game than I am. I can't hold gainful employment without getting pissed off at something, leaving or quitting for some reason or just hating it to the point something happens and I'm forced to leave, by some situation. I hate it. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to occupy this space.

I want to be normal, and happy, And successful. Like my life full of good things and bounty, not this Shit.
 
I just feel like nothing matters really here. So what does it matter if I get a good job or whatever. What would it matter?? Would anyone really care about me. Would I just be acting - at least I'd be making a(n) active income and that stability, and be occupied all day socializing with others somewhat. It's all relative. I know that's bullshit, but that's how I think.

I just think what does it matter - nothing really matters. There are no real human relationships backing up anything, Only materialistic gain... And since that doesn't drive me - or I can't get it to. And the only thing that drives me doesn't exist here at all, Real sustaining human relationships... I'm SOL I guess.
My life has been stuck in neutral forever. It's easier to sit at home and be alone than it is to brave it in the world for something that won't add any intrinsic inner quality to my life; only paycheck and fake conversations and somewhat fake human relationships. That's the bare truth of it. I'd rather be homeless actually than work a job. At least, I'd be free... I know that's depressing, but that's truth. I hate it. I hate that I even think that... But it's true. I have, If I could find some way to motivate myself to get and find a good job, move forward and do all of these things I talked about that'd be great.
How do I do that? That's the great question that I haven't been able to crack and solve all of this time.
 
I may have missed it but are you in therapy?
No. I'm not, I can't afford it I don't have any health insurance. (Another reason I'd want to leave this backward ass country)
At least in Europe they'd let you work less than 40 hours a week, have time to spend with your friends and family and your tax money would go to these things. I'd have no problem with that. It all works out nicely and for a purpose. That'd drive me.
 
I’ve traveled all throughout Europe and what struck me was how old everything was. America is a relatively young country, yet occupied by huge numbers of differing heritages. When you’re in agree e, for instance, or Italy, or wherever, there’s such a huge history behind them. And the population of the countries is homogenous compared to ours. Perhaps America is too young for your soul. My sister has lived in Germany for 35 years and she is going to retire to Tuscany. And according to her, Europe is as consumer as the US. So I don’t know to what end making sweeping generalizations give you. You’ve experienced living abroad and genuinely enjoyed it, so why not move back? I’m seriously planning to retire to Ecuador for the respect they have for seniors. My problem is I can’t learn Spanish. And if I can’t talk to my neighbors, what good is it?

Meanwhile, you sound really depressed. But here you are and I know with the right therapy, you can overcome this so that your desicions are made rationally. I had some bad shit happen when I traveled. I got drugged and kidnapped in London, attacked in Florence and also in Athens. Just goes to show that human nature is global. But, for you, I would advise getting stronger emotionally and then set some goals. Not earth shattering goals. Just something positive to put your energy into. I wish you well.
 
I’ve traveled all throughout Europe and what struck me was how old everything was. America is a r...

Yes, I've thought these things too. And you nailed it, homogenous populations, old architecture...more of a feel of "home" and belonging. Even the cities are laid out differently, and more naturally - not like American grid matrix styles which are far more efficient but have a dehumanizing effect. I don't doubt there is consumerism everywhere - what was different...there was just something different there, outside the US. I don't know how to explain it but probably it has deeper roots like what you've described. I think it's easier to live in Europe for reasons...especially if you struggle with mental health or emotional issues. The quality and style of life is more natural and humane, homogenous...old architecture etc etc. A lot of history. The US is an experiment in human civilization, and quite honestly. It has a lot of problems. A lot.
I agree with you that I need to get my emotions together so that my decisions are made better and I attain things, that's a challenge and I've never been really able to do it. Nor did I have the true desire to ( I was invested in anger, and other things, depression and acting out...). I've had a rough road and I didn't want things like this to happen. But, they did. Time is to integrate the struggle and get on and move on, be successful.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top