Juso
MyPTSD Pro
Hey you guys!
I am new here, and I am really glad that this website exists because I don't think I can talk to anyone at this point about this. (My native language is not English, so please forgive me if there are any mistakes in my text)
I actually don't know how I ended up on this website but I have been searching for an answer to a question I have been asking myself for some time now.
I don't want to tell you my whole life story, thats just boring, so I'll just summarize so you have an overview: violent single parent at home during the childhood, also constant bullying in primary and high school so both factors kind of came together. Always had to be alert to expect and prepare myself for the abuse and dissociated all the time when I was about 10-13 years old during the worst time, it was both depersonalization and derealisation. Never knew what it was though until I had therapy and it was explained to me. I assumed it was normal but it bothered me a lot. Also had troubles sleeping, I scratched myself until I bled while being asleep because I was so tense all the time.
I have difficulty regulating my anger when I am fighting with very close people like my mother or my boyfriend, also I have strong self-harming tendencies which I mostly overcame though. I am still very hypervigilant and my startle response is out of this world my dudes ... Also I am extremely sensitive to noise, I can get very very very irritated by sounds that most people don't notice.
I had some problems with depression when I was in my teens but it got a lot better, as well as my self-harming, it was practically gone for 2 years. Until I met my boyfriend 10 months ago - and don't get me wrong, he is very sweet and cares for me a lot, I know he could never hurt me, but when we fight I feel strongly reminded of the fights with my mum which I always thought were the absolute WORST, I always felt like the world was ending when I was fighting with her, because she was the person I loved most (biological father mentally abused my mother and left when I was four, I was very scared of him but don't know why). But she was also the person that I was very afraid of when she was angry because she could not control her temper (she is traumatized herself).
Okay let me get to the point. Last summer during my study break I had a very bad depressive episode (the first one in a long time). I couldn't eat for days, only wanted to sleep and didn't stop dissociating, also I was cognitively impaired, I remember struggling to follow a normal conversation. One night I woke up shaking like CRAZY and feeling extremely nauseous. I thought I had to throw up, but I didn't, I couldn't, I actually tried to induce it myself (what I have never tried before because I HATE throwing up) but nothing happened.
Then at one point my boyfriend woke up and he just kind of put his hands on my face and told me that I was just anxious. I first denied it because I woke up like this (even though I remember that I did not sleep well, I never sleep well when I dissociate a lot, its kind of like I am half awake sometimes). I really thought it was something physical, that I was having stomach problems. But when he put his hands on my face I kind of gave in and suddenly I stopped shaking and could sleep again.
So now months passed and something like this didn't happen again - but today after a long day of dissociating (which is not normal, I don't dissociate that often anymore) I was at home and felt very tense, like there was a weird energy in my body. I began trembling and feeling nauseous. Everything looked strange and warped and just not real. And I just DONT KNOW WHY. I am studying psychology ironically and I continued to write my research report today and sometimes I think that some of the stuff I read kind of occupies my mind too much if that makes sense? But other than that I have no clue whats triggering this and what "this" is.
I just wanted to ask if somebody knows what I described. I need to know if this is a common thing. It felt like my body was remembering something, but only my body, because my mind was hella confused.
Thanks for reading all this text, I appreciate it a lot!
Juso
I am new here, and I am really glad that this website exists because I don't think I can talk to anyone at this point about this. (My native language is not English, so please forgive me if there are any mistakes in my text)
I actually don't know how I ended up on this website but I have been searching for an answer to a question I have been asking myself for some time now.
I don't want to tell you my whole life story, thats just boring, so I'll just summarize so you have an overview: violent single parent at home during the childhood, also constant bullying in primary and high school so both factors kind of came together. Always had to be alert to expect and prepare myself for the abuse and dissociated all the time when I was about 10-13 years old during the worst time, it was both depersonalization and derealisation. Never knew what it was though until I had therapy and it was explained to me. I assumed it was normal but it bothered me a lot. Also had troubles sleeping, I scratched myself until I bled while being asleep because I was so tense all the time.
I have difficulty regulating my anger when I am fighting with very close people like my mother or my boyfriend, also I have strong self-harming tendencies which I mostly overcame though. I am still very hypervigilant and my startle response is out of this world my dudes ... Also I am extremely sensitive to noise, I can get very very very irritated by sounds that most people don't notice.
I had some problems with depression when I was in my teens but it got a lot better, as well as my self-harming, it was practically gone for 2 years. Until I met my boyfriend 10 months ago - and don't get me wrong, he is very sweet and cares for me a lot, I know he could never hurt me, but when we fight I feel strongly reminded of the fights with my mum which I always thought were the absolute WORST, I always felt like the world was ending when I was fighting with her, because she was the person I loved most (biological father mentally abused my mother and left when I was four, I was very scared of him but don't know why). But she was also the person that I was very afraid of when she was angry because she could not control her temper (she is traumatized herself).
Okay let me get to the point. Last summer during my study break I had a very bad depressive episode (the first one in a long time). I couldn't eat for days, only wanted to sleep and didn't stop dissociating, also I was cognitively impaired, I remember struggling to follow a normal conversation. One night I woke up shaking like CRAZY and feeling extremely nauseous. I thought I had to throw up, but I didn't, I couldn't, I actually tried to induce it myself (what I have never tried before because I HATE throwing up) but nothing happened.
Then at one point my boyfriend woke up and he just kind of put his hands on my face and told me that I was just anxious. I first denied it because I woke up like this (even though I remember that I did not sleep well, I never sleep well when I dissociate a lot, its kind of like I am half awake sometimes). I really thought it was something physical, that I was having stomach problems. But when he put his hands on my face I kind of gave in and suddenly I stopped shaking and could sleep again.
So now months passed and something like this didn't happen again - but today after a long day of dissociating (which is not normal, I don't dissociate that often anymore) I was at home and felt very tense, like there was a weird energy in my body. I began trembling and feeling nauseous. Everything looked strange and warped and just not real. And I just DONT KNOW WHY. I am studying psychology ironically and I continued to write my research report today and sometimes I think that some of the stuff I read kind of occupies my mind too much if that makes sense? But other than that I have no clue whats triggering this and what "this" is.
I just wanted to ask if somebody knows what I described. I need to know if this is a common thing. It felt like my body was remembering something, but only my body, because my mind was hella confused.
Thanks for reading all this text, I appreciate it a lot!
Juso