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Dissociation accompanied by nausea and shaking/trembling?

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Juso

MyPTSD Pro
Hey you guys!
I am new here, and I am really glad that this website exists because I don't think I can talk to anyone at this point about this. (My native language is not English, so please forgive me if there are any mistakes in my text)
I actually don't know how I ended up on this website but I have been searching for an answer to a question I have been asking myself for some time now.

I don't want to tell you my whole life story, thats just boring, so I'll just summarize so you have an overview: violent single parent at home during the childhood, also constant bullying in primary and high school so both factors kind of came together. Always had to be alert to expect and prepare myself for the abuse and dissociated all the time when I was about 10-13 years old during the worst time, it was both depersonalization and derealisation. Never knew what it was though until I had therapy and it was explained to me. I assumed it was normal but it bothered me a lot. Also had troubles sleeping, I scratched myself until I bled while being asleep because I was so tense all the time.
I have difficulty regulating my anger when I am fighting with very close people like my mother or my boyfriend, also I have strong self-harming tendencies which I mostly overcame though. I am still very hypervigilant and my startle response is out of this world my dudes ... Also I am extremely sensitive to noise, I can get very very very irritated by sounds that most people don't notice.
I had some problems with depression when I was in my teens but it got a lot better, as well as my self-harming, it was practically gone for 2 years. Until I met my boyfriend 10 months ago - and don't get me wrong, he is very sweet and cares for me a lot, I know he could never hurt me, but when we fight I feel strongly reminded of the fights with my mum which I always thought were the absolute WORST, I always felt like the world was ending when I was fighting with her, because she was the person I loved most (biological father mentally abused my mother and left when I was four, I was very scared of him but don't know why). But she was also the person that I was very afraid of when she was angry because she could not control her temper (she is traumatized herself).

Okay let me get to the point. Last summer during my study break I had a very bad depressive episode (the first one in a long time). I couldn't eat for days, only wanted to sleep and didn't stop dissociating, also I was cognitively impaired, I remember struggling to follow a normal conversation. One night I woke up shaking like CRAZY and feeling extremely nauseous. I thought I had to throw up, but I didn't, I couldn't, I actually tried to induce it myself (what I have never tried before because I HATE throwing up) but nothing happened.
Then at one point my boyfriend woke up and he just kind of put his hands on my face and told me that I was just anxious. I first denied it because I woke up like this (even though I remember that I did not sleep well, I never sleep well when I dissociate a lot, its kind of like I am half awake sometimes). I really thought it was something physical, that I was having stomach problems. But when he put his hands on my face I kind of gave in and suddenly I stopped shaking and could sleep again.
So now months passed and something like this didn't happen again - but today after a long day of dissociating (which is not normal, I don't dissociate that often anymore) I was at home and felt very tense, like there was a weird energy in my body. I began trembling and feeling nauseous. Everything looked strange and warped and just not real. And I just DONT KNOW WHY. I am studying psychology ironically and I continued to write my research report today and sometimes I think that some of the stuff I read kind of occupies my mind too much if that makes sense? But other than that I have no clue whats triggering this and what "this" is.

I just wanted to ask if somebody knows what I described. I need to know if this is a common thing. It felt like my body was remembering something, but only my body, because my mind was hella confused.

Thanks for reading all this text, I appreciate it a lot!

Juso
 
Hello, Juso, and welcome to the forum! I'm sorry that your thread got missed. It happens sometimes and isn't a reflection on you. I suspect your story is anything but boring, and if you ever choose to write about it, this is a safe place to speak your truths.

I don't suffer from anxiety myself, but I think I've read that others here do sometimes experience nausea as a result of anxiety, so I'm bringing your thread to the top so that other members will be able to find it.

I'm glad you found us! :)
 
Hello and thank you a lot for your answer! I am very glad about your comment, I really thought for a moment I did something wrong, maybe I had to introduce myself somewhere else first or something, haha. So I am relieved you wrote it just happens sometimes! :)
Also it does make sense that the nausea just simply comes from the anxiety. In this moment I remembered that during the worst times of my childhood (that I almost completely forgot) I felt nauseous everyday before going to school. I don't know how could forget that. I should have just connected the dots.
I still don't know why both times it came so suddenly and without a clear trigger, especially because I was shaking so badly that I couldn't even close the zipper of my jacket. But as long as it doesn't happen too often I'll survive it, haha.
Thanks again and wish you the best!
Juso
 
Juso, have you ever done any trauma therapy? It seems that there may be something buried inside you..

No, not trauma therapy specifically. But I had therapy for some years which really helped me with my issues. Although I have to say that I think that I never really processed the fights with my mum. Like I said they tended to be violent from her side and very, very, very intense, I almost ended up in child care services (not because she hurt me badly and someone noticed, she never hit me with all her strength, it was just because she said she couldn't raise me on her own and that she needed help. Like I said the biological father is absent and has been the opposite of a supporting dad).
So now I am actually sitting here on my bed and some minutes ago I had a bad fight with my boyfriend. I don't think I can fight "normally" with him, it is always very intense and I always break down no matter how small the fight is. My boyfriend says I should stop freaking out so often because "its not that bad" and I wish I could, I really wish I could. I have this "funny" need to hurt myself so I can regulate my anger and sadness during fights like these, so it is always very difficult to restrain myself from doing so. I don't want him to see me that way, I feel embarrassed about it. It is a total loss of control over myself.
This fight actually was right after we had sex, and the for first time ever I felt used and worthless and disgusted at the thought that I slept with him. I don't want to remember the sex we had, but my body is still hurting from it because I didn't tell him that I was not in the right mood for it and my body was not ready (I know, I should have told him). I always have problems relaxing during sex and I am never really turned on, it's only lukewarm all the time. I don't know why that is. A while ago I thought I was just not in my body and dissociating too much, but now I guess I am just worrying too much.
It kills me that he fell asleep now and that I am alone with this. I am angry because he got his satisfaction and release as always and enjoys the hormones that made him tired, and I sit here, alone, stuck in this situation. I've been crying so much, and I miss my mum (and interestingly a lot of mother figures). For me its terrifying that we won't cuddle before sleeping, we won't see each other for a while now and I just came back from Uni today. So this night is important to me, especially because I will be alone the next two nights and I have been alone too long now these last days. I am still struggling to maintain friendships because of the bullying but thats another story.
I am so tired of fighting. I can not endure it anymore, I really can't. I have been fighting every single day with my mum for years in my childhood and teenage years. I am an adult now and I am so so so very tired of the loneliness and hopelessness, the sinking feeling after a fight when you know nothing is well anymore and it won't be for god knows how long. I don't know how to continue this, to be honest. It is so difficult to sleep in the same bed as him but to know that we are 500 miles apart, especially because it happens so often. Nothing feels more lonely than that and it reminds me too much of the situation with my mother.
Sorry for rambling too much. When I have some time the next days I'll look more into this nice forum and the other threads, but for now I have to somehow carry myself to bed. I hope I won't think too much and just fall asleep immediately.
Thank you again for your answer, you just asking helped a lot.
 
The gut is actually tied to the brain so nausea is kind of an expected thing with trauma or anxiety.
The gut-brain connection - Harvard Health

I was shocked when I used to puke stuff up. I, like you, hated throwing up more than anything and avoided it at all costs. One of the things that was helpful to me when I did throw up was trying to imagine that I was 'releasing' the trauma I had stuck in me. You may notice some issues with the bathroom as well. When triggered up by something I many times have to urgently go.
 
Oh you're right, it's obvious, it makes so much sense, I am surprised I didn't get that on my own. I am sorry you had to throw up, that is just really terrible! I hope you don't have to suffer from it anymore?
And yes, "releasing" the trauma is a good way of thinking about it. Thank you so much for your answer. :hug:
 
No real issues with throwing up anymore, but man, the issue with urgency of bathroom has still got me. I know what it is and it is a clue (for me) that for some reason I feel like I am going to die, but enough already! :banghead::banghead::banghead:
 
A clue that you feel like you are going to die? Wow, thats heavy. Is it a trigger-induced feeling?
 
I’m skeptical that anyone can have PTSD with zero anxiety symptoms as hyperarousal is a huge part o...
Yes, I know what anxiety is, and it's not hyperarousal.

I don't recall suggesting that i don't feel anxious at any time, but I don't suffer from anxiety when I'm triggered.

If you do, fine, but don't try fitting me into your box.
 
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A clue that you feel like you are going to die? Wow, thats heavy. Is it a trigger-induced feeling?
Hi Juso,

Welcome to the forum and I hope you are feeling better today.

I suffer from vomiting and nausea when my anxiety is high and especially when I am in therapy discussing/ processing my trauma. It’s awful. I find once I puke though the anxiety reduces. My T tells me it’s very normal for trauma victims to suffer with it and the more we work on it the better it will get, hopefully. It’s very humiliating puking in front of my T but if it’s what it takes to process then I just have to keep Working on it. I get what you are saying. My husband is amazing but sometimes I feel how you are. I have so much support and yet sometimes feel so alone. I think most PTSD sufferers experience this.

So you are not alone Especially with the nausea and shaking. It’s awful but it’s part of the healing that’s needed. My advice.. go see a trauma therapist, be open and honest, put in the work and you will be on the path to healing. Sometimes it’s just too big for us to handle on our own without a specialist.

I wish you good luck!
 
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