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How Do You Deal With Shame/guilt?

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angel2write

MyPTSD Pro
Hoping someone on here will have something to say that will help me.

I'm stuck in powerful feelings of shame and guilt today. I know I haven't actually done anything wrong. But I can't seem to deal with the feelings in any helpful way. I tried writing in my diary, talking to a friend, getting some chores done, reading a book, etc. Nothing seems to be helping.

This is a little different from the anxiety waves that come on some times. And I don't really feel particularly depressed. I just feel like I've done something horrible (when I haven't) and I feel terribly ashamed and guilty.

Any thoughts, anybody? Or am I the only one who does this?
 
Honestly? I realize this sounds rather silly but after suffering with this for more awful years than I care to admit I quite literally tell 'it' to knock t the heck off, already. Just STOP it, if that makes any sense, It's SO awful, debilitating and intrusive that it's the only single thing I've been able to come up with which 'works'-sometimes. I know this sounds even sillier but I yell at my head all the dam time-out loud, too so... yes seems silly and would be if it didn't work so well. It's be " Oh for God's sake stop that!", sometimes with a big red stop sign flung up in my head, too. Who knows why it's effective- maybe it's the sheer belligerance doing this awakens, or the change of tone one is using with oneself- the bullying one. :)

There's a ton of healing, through professional and whatever means will negate the necessity for all this of course but I'm not quite there yet so continue the self-tough talk. Everyone is different as to what is possible and what might work so perhaps this is not at all helpful for you. I'd write more but am in the middle of some constructing some fat red signs of my own at the moment.

Do take care,

Anni
 
Honestly? I realize this sounds rather silly but after suffering with this for more awful years than I care to admit I quite literally tell 'it' to knock t the heck off, already.

Thanks, Anni. I yell at myself a lot, too, trying to drown out the negative voices in my head. But it doesn't seem to work for me. I've actually gotten into a place where I threw myself at walls or pounded on the steering wheel of the car while yelling trying to get the tape to stop. Sigh. This is one of the things I'm trying to get rid of in my life.

The stop sign visualization is something new. I don't know about a stop sign, but maybe I could come up with a safety picture of some sort and hold it up. I'll think about this. Thanks for the suggestion.
 
It took really effective therapy for me to tone this one down and it was a big one for a long time. It gave me such feelings of self loathing that I felt less than human.
The therapy and the validation of the therapist is what got me over it, as was educating myself about my trauma and being honest with my husband about what happened. I now place the blame where it belongs, and I excuse myself for the way I acted because there is no way that I can be held responsible for it.
I also know that the people who victimised me wanted me to feel ashamed because this is how they could control me. Now I let them take every bit of blame for what happened and let myself off the hook. Why should I continue to suffer for their mistakes and cruelty is how I look at it.
I hope that you are able to get some relief from these awful feelings, I really feel for you and wish you luck.
 
For me, I have to understand it in order to work on it. I think "guilt" is related to something we have done or perceived we have done wrong, or did't do. ( could have, should have, would have)

I think of "shame" as related to "who we are". ( I am bad, I am unlovable, I am unworthy) Often rooted in messages given when we were young.

Is it one or the other or both?

I know I have some of both but have to identify what it is about to challenge those self destructive beliefs and thoughts.

I feel guilty for other peoples happiness, for not being able to be a super mom, big bread winner, and suzie homemake all at the same time. They are unreasonable and can be challenged and changed.

I feel shame for having needs, basic needs (need for food, affection, approval, security, etc.) They are more at the core and not based on an incident or circumstance.

I know you said that journaling did not help so this may not be helpful to you either. For me, carrying a notepad and jotting down related thoughts throughout the day helps me to identify. I think it is because they are fleeing thoughts (I know better than to allow them so I halt that thought and dont think about it anymore-but its still there although repressed). Only after I identify it clearly can I challenge it with positive self talk. Even then, I have to keep at it because the theme is often the same.
 
For me, I have to understand it in order to work on it. I think "guilt" is related to something we have done or perceived we have done wrong, or did't do. ( could have, should have, would have)

I think of "shame" as related to "who we are". ( I am bad, I am unlovable, I am unworthy) Often rooted in messages given when we were young.

Is it one or the other or both?

This is an interesting question. I know I have horrible guilt every time I ask for something I want. I haven't tracked down where, in particular, that one is coming from.

The shame... I guess maybe comes from every tiny perceived mistake I make? Maybe? I have trouble pinning it down. I just go into this spiral of the deadly trio: stupid, ugly, and worthless. (I know what you mean about getting the thought to stop by then it's still there- just repressed.) Sometimes the feelings sneak up on me and I can't even tell where they're coming from.

I feel shame for having needs, basic needs (need for food, affection, approval, security, etc.) They are more at the core and not based on an incident or circumstance.

This resonates, too. Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you have struggled with this issue, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

What do you mean by "challenging it with positive self-talk?"
 
It took really effective therapy for me to tone this one down and it was a big one for a long time. It gave me such feelings of self loathing that I felt less than human.

Yep. Right there with you. Feeling like an :alien:.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I appreciate it.
 
We are never alone...

Challenging with positive sell talk, alias inner care taker

Ex; I ask for something that I need help with, the reply is "you want me to......I have to work, Ive been working all week, then I had to do xy and z on sunday for the running club"
My inner thoughts say' Oh ya, they have been working and are tired in the evening,and its a new job and takes getting use to, and they do deserve to have hobbies on the weekend, plus its the only time she has to see her boyfriend and do laundry." (excusing others)

The next set of thought goes like this-"Its your job to take care of others, others are more important, they have a future, you are not important, its your problem anyway, if you were better-you wouldnt need help, you are worthless and should try harder"(no slack for myself)

Shame based Belief rooted in childhood-"I am not deserving or worthwhile of getting what I need"

Now with such a belief, do you think I am going to get what I need or want?

Challenging that talk-
She may think that her priorities are more important than mine, but we are equally responsible.

I am worthwhile and deserving of what I need, I may have not known it in the past because I was not shown, but today I am showing myself and I am seeing that it is inequitable for any one person to carry the load-repeat as many times as needed

Would friday evening after work or saturday morning work better for you?

Does it makke sense?-sorry Im a little tired from the sun
 
Yes brat, to hear you spell it out it does make sense to me.

Never would have thought to get to (your) 2nd-last line. (In fact, when I read it thought "Huh??" :rolleyes: )
Thank you.
 
The answer to this:
I'm stuck in powerful feelings of shame and guilt today.
Is not the distraction methods you have employed, which that's all your trying to do, is distract, not deal with, compared to what is said below, which is spot on the money on how to recover from shame and guilt, being:
educating myself about my trauma... ...being honest with my husband about what happened... ...place the blame where it belongs, and I excuse myself for the way I acted because there is no way that I can be held responsible for it. I also know that the people who victimised me wanted me to feel ashamed because this is how they could control me. Now I let them take every bit of blame for what happened and let myself off the hook. Why should I continue to suffer for their mistakes and cruelty is how I look at it.
If I could like that 100 times, I would... that is the perfect answer.
 
I have yelled at the old tapes in the past, but lately I've found that I need a more nurturing way to deal with the pain and shame. Sometimes yelling at myself just brings on even more shame. I try to be gentle with myself and acknowledge how I'm feeling. I use positive, repetitive self talk.

I've heard too much yelling/screaming in my life (which is part of the reason I'm here). Why would I want to yell at myself even more?
 
Honestly, without the angle and input of an uninvolved , whose not a friend, relative, has no personal stake in my "getting over it", doesn't have to live with me, outsider whose only role is to help me work through this AND is getting paid as well is educated in this area I don't think I would FINALLY be making any kind of progress in this area. In between I have an object she let me take to help remind me of the words she has said so that when the "old tapes -you are responsible, you guilty b***h, etc" come up I can see it and replace them with her voice and what we have discussed.

It is working. It takes time and work. A life time of conditioning doesn't change overnight but I can't do it with a "Think Positive" Book by myself....I need help from a person. Understanding who, what, when, and why, before I can get to that point. But that's just me.

Rain
 
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