goingonhope
MyPTSD Pro
I feel just awful. Don't even know how to put my experience into words. Don't even really want to, as I can barely get away from my own self-defeating thoughts tonight...always self-defeating. It sucks. I'm so, so scared tonight. Need a really, really good cry and don't know when, where or why. Why bother?
I certainly don't want to re-live my failure today, as it sucks...outright sucks...too too damn much. Did everything I could last night and this morning to be ready for surgery at 11:30am, and arrived many miles away at 10:30 this morning as instructed with husb. Had been told arrive an hour before surgery and our paperwork read, expect to wait 60 to 90 min. after arriving. Sat there, next to husb., making the best of it from 10:30am straight out until 2:30pm, at which point I began to fear losing my composure entirely. Both husb. and I had approached desk to make sure there had been no error, and I had been forgotten. At which point my face began to frown, and I was about to start sobbing while standing right there at the desk and in front of those women. Barely got the answer that there had been no mistake and that I would just have to wait. Something felt suspicious to me....like they f'd up royally in sched., or calling people into surgery, as there were 3 to 4 people come in an hr. after me and go in for surgery about 45 min. later. Now of course there may have been more than one doctor, more than one type of surgery being performed but watching this and that room completely empty twice and refill and listening the the shit fears' enter into my thoughts it was all way....way....way to fking much. I didn't really know it though. I had stood up, walked in adjoining waiting room and was finding space when suddenly it all became to much and I abruptly walked back into orig. waiting room and told husb. I'm leaving. After this my memory of what happened next is foggy...at one point I said, 'fck them all' ...another point started hyperventilating uncontrollably, then when I regained control of this my head hurt god awful and I was holding it with hands and saying something over and over....something like Ou' Ou' Ou', as my head began hurting intensely like I was overloaded up there and everything was going hay-wire,...at one point I think perhaps my husb. was trying to encourage me to come away from elevators and back into waiting rm. and I was saying, I just want to get out of here, I'm so embarrassed....another point the doors of the elevator opened and I fell through the entrance into it. It all sucked so bad, but most especially now there's fifty different fears and anxieties surrounding the whole bad' bad situation. And my husb. he was good....thank you God he was good....Oh' how I needed him then, and he was there. Thank you God.
I need to, but I can't go on to talk anymore about this right now, as it's all way to upsetting to me. My poor daughter, when she arrived home she cried and was so angry at first with me. She cried how her and father made me a get well card the night before and now I didn't need it, she told me she was looking forward to taking care of me, and now I didn't need her too, she said how her teacher and all the classmates stopped during the day and said a prayer for me during my surgery, and I didn't even have surgery. I feel so sad, so awful inside, so much like a damn failure tonight. I can't stop crying. This hurts. Apparently I don't like feelings to much after all, feelings are such a nuisance, mine so intense at times...I don't just cry...it's like it comes from the depths of my soul and it's all just way too much.
My god, I tried to avoid the embarrassment, but everyone there heard and saw what I went through and tonight I'm left feeling so so sorry to my husb., kids, and even my relatives who prayed, hoped and are now left confused and dissappointed.
And, oh' what and expensive mess I'm now responsible for, and will have to clean up...more stress. So painfully discouraged tonight and depressed and feel so spacey.
I certainly don't want to re-live my failure today, as it sucks...outright sucks...too too damn much. Did everything I could last night and this morning to be ready for surgery at 11:30am, and arrived many miles away at 10:30 this morning as instructed with husb. Had been told arrive an hour before surgery and our paperwork read, expect to wait 60 to 90 min. after arriving. Sat there, next to husb., making the best of it from 10:30am straight out until 2:30pm, at which point I began to fear losing my composure entirely. Both husb. and I had approached desk to make sure there had been no error, and I had been forgotten. At which point my face began to frown, and I was about to start sobbing while standing right there at the desk and in front of those women. Barely got the answer that there had been no mistake and that I would just have to wait. Something felt suspicious to me....like they f'd up royally in sched., or calling people into surgery, as there were 3 to 4 people come in an hr. after me and go in for surgery about 45 min. later. Now of course there may have been more than one doctor, more than one type of surgery being performed but watching this and that room completely empty twice and refill and listening the the shit fears' enter into my thoughts it was all way....way....way to fking much. I didn't really know it though. I had stood up, walked in adjoining waiting room and was finding space when suddenly it all became to much and I abruptly walked back into orig. waiting room and told husb. I'm leaving. After this my memory of what happened next is foggy...at one point I said, 'fck them all' ...another point started hyperventilating uncontrollably, then when I regained control of this my head hurt god awful and I was holding it with hands and saying something over and over....something like Ou' Ou' Ou', as my head began hurting intensely like I was overloaded up there and everything was going hay-wire,...at one point I think perhaps my husb. was trying to encourage me to come away from elevators and back into waiting rm. and I was saying, I just want to get out of here, I'm so embarrassed....another point the doors of the elevator opened and I fell through the entrance into it. It all sucked so bad, but most especially now there's fifty different fears and anxieties surrounding the whole bad' bad situation. And my husb. he was good....thank you God he was good....Oh' how I needed him then, and he was there. Thank you God.
I need to, but I can't go on to talk anymore about this right now, as it's all way to upsetting to me. My poor daughter, when she arrived home she cried and was so angry at first with me. She cried how her and father made me a get well card the night before and now I didn't need it, she told me she was looking forward to taking care of me, and now I didn't need her too, she said how her teacher and all the classmates stopped during the day and said a prayer for me during my surgery, and I didn't even have surgery. I feel so sad, so awful inside, so much like a damn failure tonight. I can't stop crying. This hurts. Apparently I don't like feelings to much after all, feelings are such a nuisance, mine so intense at times...I don't just cry...it's like it comes from the depths of my soul and it's all just way too much.
My god, I tried to avoid the embarrassment, but everyone there heard and saw what I went through and tonight I'm left feeling so so sorry to my husb., kids, and even my relatives who prayed, hoped and are now left confused and dissappointed.
And, oh' what and expensive mess I'm now responsible for, and will have to clean up...more stress. So painfully discouraged tonight and depressed and feel so spacey.