Okay, I am going to try to confront a couple of issues with myself here, and I know the best way is to charge at it and hope for the best. I hope this works.
By my standards lately, yesterday was a good day for me. I made a decision, and I stuck to it. I felt better for it. But I got a sharp realisation that this is going to take a little more than day to day management.
I have noticed a lot of people saying you need to confront things to deal with them, and have said it myself. I thought I knew what that meant. I realised, I'm still a complete wreck and think I have a long way to go. I felt more in control yesterday, because I practically gained some control. Then the night came, and I read on here, and I completely freaked out! I have thought it over in the calm of the day, and realised there were two things going on.
I'm not a hard person to get close to. Most people find me easy to talk to and trust. But I have come to realise that this doesn't mean I am such an open book. I can let people get close to me with their stuff, but it just doesn't happen the other way around. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has this issue. So being here, on this forum, is more of a big deal to me than I ever realised, and am beginning to understand that I can confront a lot of things here, as so many people seem to.
So... I'm terrified of my feelings. I'm terrified of feeling. Anything at all. And I'm even more terrified of expressing feelings to others. In person, and online I am someone who talks logically. I can talk about emotions, the affect they have on others and myself. But when I am writing about feelings I am having at the time, or talking about them - It becomes a scary beast. Every therapist/counsellor/psych I have ever seen has always commented on my 'controlled' state. Almost in amazement. I never cried, never really brought emotion into it really. Which is ironic because I was always talking about how I had been feeling.
And the issue has come up again. I get very frightened in posting my feelings. Not just nervous, but actually frightened. And I felt the full force of that last night. I mean, who's going to be interested in me and my problems? But something triggered me last night (the second issue). It being night time meant my adrenalin on was 'on' as usual. So any reason to feel unsafe and it was hitting me right where it hurts. And it affected how I felt about this board, I started to feel unsafe.
I have thought a lot today, and with some helpful advice and a different viewpoint from somebody here, I have realised my issue. It had little to do with here at all, and so much more to do with me, my past, and my PTSD. Having realised that, the safety issue in reagrds to here, is completely gone, and feel reassured. The moderators, and Anthony are keeping us safe. Which I am so pleased about :) Realising it has solved it. Insight is a powerful thing. Healing, even?
But because I posted at the time that I was feeling it, I immediately regretted it and was trying to delete it, and couldn't. I suddenly felt paranoid, another thing I am sure was fuelled by the time of night and the state I get into. I was sure that I was going to wake up this morning and find a million hate messages. I didn't. But have been on edge all day for fear of ostracision, obsessively checking the boards all day long totally on edge.
Why? Hell knows, it is totally illogical! (At least I hope so, I hope nobody hates me here!) Probably something to do with being ostracised in school. But I've always wanted to be liked, loved, and instead I was hated. I couldn't understand why, what I was doing to cause that. It's something I still feel intense shame about. I just assumed that there was something I didn't know about that everyone could see. I am now constantly in fear that I am going to be rejected, I guess. Something I should work on, and am trying to confront by being open and honest here. And I am still terrified about this post. But perhaps it will squash it by doing this.
It all seems kind of silly now, and maybe you guys will read this and wonder what on earth I am playing at making this thread about me, and my stupid issues. Thinking Who is this fool, acting like she should be making threads entirely about herself? But I won't find out what you guys think unless I give you the chance.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!
Lisa.
By my standards lately, yesterday was a good day for me. I made a decision, and I stuck to it. I felt better for it. But I got a sharp realisation that this is going to take a little more than day to day management.
I have noticed a lot of people saying you need to confront things to deal with them, and have said it myself. I thought I knew what that meant. I realised, I'm still a complete wreck and think I have a long way to go. I felt more in control yesterday, because I practically gained some control. Then the night came, and I read on here, and I completely freaked out! I have thought it over in the calm of the day, and realised there were two things going on.
I'm not a hard person to get close to. Most people find me easy to talk to and trust. But I have come to realise that this doesn't mean I am such an open book. I can let people get close to me with their stuff, but it just doesn't happen the other way around. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has this issue. So being here, on this forum, is more of a big deal to me than I ever realised, and am beginning to understand that I can confront a lot of things here, as so many people seem to.
So... I'm terrified of my feelings. I'm terrified of feeling. Anything at all. And I'm even more terrified of expressing feelings to others. In person, and online I am someone who talks logically. I can talk about emotions, the affect they have on others and myself. But when I am writing about feelings I am having at the time, or talking about them - It becomes a scary beast. Every therapist/counsellor/psych I have ever seen has always commented on my 'controlled' state. Almost in amazement. I never cried, never really brought emotion into it really. Which is ironic because I was always talking about how I had been feeling.
And the issue has come up again. I get very frightened in posting my feelings. Not just nervous, but actually frightened. And I felt the full force of that last night. I mean, who's going to be interested in me and my problems? But something triggered me last night (the second issue). It being night time meant my adrenalin on was 'on' as usual. So any reason to feel unsafe and it was hitting me right where it hurts. And it affected how I felt about this board, I started to feel unsafe.
I have thought a lot today, and with some helpful advice and a different viewpoint from somebody here, I have realised my issue. It had little to do with here at all, and so much more to do with me, my past, and my PTSD. Having realised that, the safety issue in reagrds to here, is completely gone, and feel reassured. The moderators, and Anthony are keeping us safe. Which I am so pleased about :) Realising it has solved it. Insight is a powerful thing. Healing, even?
But because I posted at the time that I was feeling it, I immediately regretted it and was trying to delete it, and couldn't. I suddenly felt paranoid, another thing I am sure was fuelled by the time of night and the state I get into. I was sure that I was going to wake up this morning and find a million hate messages. I didn't. But have been on edge all day for fear of ostracision, obsessively checking the boards all day long totally on edge.
Why? Hell knows, it is totally illogical! (At least I hope so, I hope nobody hates me here!) Probably something to do with being ostracised in school. But I've always wanted to be liked, loved, and instead I was hated. I couldn't understand why, what I was doing to cause that. It's something I still feel intense shame about. I just assumed that there was something I didn't know about that everyone could see. I am now constantly in fear that I am going to be rejected, I guess. Something I should work on, and am trying to confront by being open and honest here. And I am still terrified about this post. But perhaps it will squash it by doing this.
It all seems kind of silly now, and maybe you guys will read this and wonder what on earth I am playing at making this thread about me, and my stupid issues. Thinking Who is this fool, acting like she should be making threads entirely about herself? But I won't find out what you guys think unless I give you the chance.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!
Lisa.