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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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The Bricklayer
1998 Urban Legend

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
 
A senior citizen drove his brand new Jaguar convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 160kmh,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying
pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh, then 220 then 240kmh.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too
old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the
driver's side of the Jag, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm
taking off for the weekend.

If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman
 
Use Your Brain
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers, F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
 
One of the above reminds me of an old joke about heaven and hell I heard when I was hitch-hiking around France.

In Heaven, the cooks are French, the police are British, the lovers are Italian, and the whole thing is run by the Germans.


In Hell, the cooks are British, the police are French, the lovers are German, and the whole thing is run by the Italians.
 
Even after knowing the dangers of the #13 ... such as a few examples:

According to Smithsonian Magazine "fear of the #13 costs American a billion dollars per year in absenteeism, train and plane cancellations, and reduced commerce on the 13th of the month."

Fear of Friday the 13th dates back to Nordic Mythology. Many of their thirteenth Gods met with violent deaths, such as Loki, the trickster.

Ancient Romans regarded the number 13 as a symbol of death, destruction and misfortune.

There were 13 original American colonies.

A witches coven consists of 13 members.

Tarot Card number 13 is the Death Card, depicting the Grim Reaper (although it is read as transition or change and not literal death).

Hotels rarely have a room number 13. Usually it is called 12a or 14. Same with floors of buildings and the elevators without a #13 button. Highways sometimes will skip exit 13 altogether also.

There are 13 steps leading to the gallows.

13 knots in a hangman's noose.

13 feet which the guillotine blade falls.

The driver of Princess Diana hit pillar #13 at Place de l'Alma when she was killed inParis,France.

13 people (Christ + 12 disciples), were in attendance at the last supper. This is where the Christian belief ties in, making Friday a believed unlucky day, as the crucifixtion occurred on a Friday.

Beware naming your children with 13 letters in their name, they may be cursed for example, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson.

Certain ocean liners will be held in dock until after midnight to appease passenger's fears on Friday the 13th.

British study concluded that even though there were less cars on the road on Friday the 13th (as compared with other Fridays) more accidents were reported.

Trisadekaphobia is the technical name for fear of Friday the 13th.

E Pluribus Unum has 13 letters.

The US Seal has 13 stars, bars, feathers in the eagle's tail, 13 bars in one claw, 13 olive branches in the other.

On the USA Dollar Bill, there are 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 bars on the shield, and 13 leaves on the olive branch

A "quatrorzieme" is a professional 14th guest hired by the French who had only 13 guests in attendance for dinner, who felt that was unlucky.

A baker's dozen consists of 13 for a reason. So the story goes a witch nearAlbany,NYdemanded 13 items every time she came in to a particular bakery, and one day the old baker could not afford her extra biscuit. She sneered some strange words at the man, and he suffered terrible luck from then on, until he brought her another 13 rolls. After that life was once again easy for the baker and word spread around town. The custom is still sometimes practiced today.

Apollo 13, 1970, the 13th mission launched from pad #39 (13 x 3), mission was aborted, after an explosion occurred in the fuel cell of their service module. The rocket had left launching pad at 13:13 CST and the date was April 13th.

Even after all these examples, people with ptsd, et al, shrug it off; Friday the 13th is just another unlucky day.

u ntitled.JPG
 
One of the above reminds me of an old joke about heaven and hell I heard when I was hitch-hiking around France.

In Heaven, the cooks are French, the police are British, the lovers are Italian, and the whole thing is run by the Germans.


In Hell, the cooks are British, the police are French, the lovers are German, and the whole thing is run by the Italians.
Hehe nice...except, I'd put Italian cooks in Heaven...although...the French learned it from the Italians so...it's all good! :)
 
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