D
Deleted member 93
Just venting or a rant... Insomnia trying to kick back in and it is driving me nuts as is not the inability to sleep but the fear to. I had a dream I believe yesterday (could have been day before but I do not think so) of tornadoes. They missed but I could see so much of the sky and it was so scary seeing such details. My peripheral vision was too wide, I am sure it was the tornado nearby that messed me up. But today it took the cake!
Today I fell asleep meditating doing a self affirmation thing. My nightmares have been during the day during naps with the little one when she does. I cannot believe I had one for so long!! I could hear a person in the dream saying I had control of the panic attacks and yada yada... It was the shit on my guided visual I was listening to when I fell asleep. It was just a woman was talking to me in the dream though the CD is a guy (hubs got me a new CD player for those who know mine was broken).
But then suddenly I was trapped in a home on the water during a hurricane and I desperately tried to get people to leave as I tried to find a certain blanket to take. I finally got them to leave with me and someone else was driving. The house was washed away behind me. I am no longer on the coast so do not get it but maybe since it was a real threat for so long for me it is the norm it came out that way.
Then bam the road I was on was the suspension bridge I used to travel on, it started rocking and collapsing and it gave way, I could feel the fall and did not wake. I was scared shitless waiting for death as I have an intense fear of drowning. I could see rocks chipping off the bridge. Again so much damn detail. But shockingly it was a fairly soft landing in the water and from the car I was able to grab marsh. I was awaiting the crash. First time I have never awoken from a fall in a dream but landed instead. Th soft fall felt like death and I was relieved and welcomed it until I realized I was not.
Then I was in an area where some were tourist and others were refugees from the storm. Someone grabbed me from behind but I was able to fight back and won. I was so skilled for some reason and knew all my self defense and exercised it perfectly.
Then during that my purse was stolen and when I saw who it was I was accused of being someone else. I was suddenly being shot at from every direction but grabbed a person close to me to shield them from the bullets afraid for them. I woke then as I was shot up and felt myself dying but the person I was shielding still caught most of them. I woke with my whole side hurting for half an hour from where they landed in the dream.
That was at least 12 hours ago and I still have an anxiety attack not leaving, the butterfly of a heart and so scared.
New change the nightmares I am able to act and just be scared until the end of this one. But damn I forgot how vivid the nightmares are and why I used to be up days at a time. I am just afraid of what sleep will bring me, what new horror.
I woke up clinging to my husband this morning and just making noises until I came fully awake to realize we had a bad storm moving through. No nightmare I recalled but just woke a mess. The thunder is so loud here and so scary as it just won't do a boom and be done, it just goes on.
The wind was blowing so hard through my nap, I was on pins and needles all day as the tress at roof top levels were bending so much I was waiting for a snap. My husband tried so hard to calm me and stroke my head this AM, he treated me just like you would a child trying to calm them from a bad dream reassuring and so carefully and lovingly but he still had to go to work. I was a wreck. So I spent a lot of today in meditating and let the boob box mother with Dora the Explorer and Sponge Bob. Won't win mom of the year today.
I hate June is coming, I hate these storms. I do not want to go through anniversary shit again. It sucks so much. I am so scared again and just want to be better. I know no time line and work through it. Therapy tomorrow but I feel so helpless and afraid again. I know once I pass through June I will start to get better just I am trying to figure out how to not be a mess during it.
I am debating to see if during the forecasted storms we can stay at the inlaws' until tornado season passes since the city shelter/basement is across the road from them. And FIL will likely be the one opening it up. I really need a security blanket right now as being in the heart of tornado alley is really fcking me up.
Said it was a rant...
Today I fell asleep meditating doing a self affirmation thing. My nightmares have been during the day during naps with the little one when she does. I cannot believe I had one for so long!! I could hear a person in the dream saying I had control of the panic attacks and yada yada... It was the shit on my guided visual I was listening to when I fell asleep. It was just a woman was talking to me in the dream though the CD is a guy (hubs got me a new CD player for those who know mine was broken).
But then suddenly I was trapped in a home on the water during a hurricane and I desperately tried to get people to leave as I tried to find a certain blanket to take. I finally got them to leave with me and someone else was driving. The house was washed away behind me. I am no longer on the coast so do not get it but maybe since it was a real threat for so long for me it is the norm it came out that way.
Then bam the road I was on was the suspension bridge I used to travel on, it started rocking and collapsing and it gave way, I could feel the fall and did not wake. I was scared shitless waiting for death as I have an intense fear of drowning. I could see rocks chipping off the bridge. Again so much damn detail. But shockingly it was a fairly soft landing in the water and from the car I was able to grab marsh. I was awaiting the crash. First time I have never awoken from a fall in a dream but landed instead. Th soft fall felt like death and I was relieved and welcomed it until I realized I was not.
Then I was in an area where some were tourist and others were refugees from the storm. Someone grabbed me from behind but I was able to fight back and won. I was so skilled for some reason and knew all my self defense and exercised it perfectly.
Then during that my purse was stolen and when I saw who it was I was accused of being someone else. I was suddenly being shot at from every direction but grabbed a person close to me to shield them from the bullets afraid for them. I woke then as I was shot up and felt myself dying but the person I was shielding still caught most of them. I woke with my whole side hurting for half an hour from where they landed in the dream.
That was at least 12 hours ago and I still have an anxiety attack not leaving, the butterfly of a heart and so scared.
New change the nightmares I am able to act and just be scared until the end of this one. But damn I forgot how vivid the nightmares are and why I used to be up days at a time. I am just afraid of what sleep will bring me, what new horror.
I woke up clinging to my husband this morning and just making noises until I came fully awake to realize we had a bad storm moving through. No nightmare I recalled but just woke a mess. The thunder is so loud here and so scary as it just won't do a boom and be done, it just goes on.
The wind was blowing so hard through my nap, I was on pins and needles all day as the tress at roof top levels were bending so much I was waiting for a snap. My husband tried so hard to calm me and stroke my head this AM, he treated me just like you would a child trying to calm them from a bad dream reassuring and so carefully and lovingly but he still had to go to work. I was a wreck. So I spent a lot of today in meditating and let the boob box mother with Dora the Explorer and Sponge Bob. Won't win mom of the year today.
I hate June is coming, I hate these storms. I do not want to go through anniversary shit again. It sucks so much. I am so scared again and just want to be better. I know no time line and work through it. Therapy tomorrow but I feel so helpless and afraid again. I know once I pass through June I will start to get better just I am trying to figure out how to not be a mess during it.
I am debating to see if during the forecasted storms we can stay at the inlaws' until tornado season passes since the city shelter/basement is across the road from them. And FIL will likely be the one opening it up. I really need a security blanket right now as being in the heart of tornado alley is really fcking me up.
Said it was a rant...