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Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

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I've made up my mind that it's something that I have to do for my physical and mental well being. However, I'm nervous to officially take the plunge. I think mostly because others will judge and condemn me for it. I moved across the country, requested to communicate mostly through email, and then completely stopped speaking to one relative for close to a year. None of that was enough, it has to be zero contact.

The only family that I have left are my abusers. I shouldn't have kept in contact with them all these years for that reason alone. It feels like I'm brainwashed. In their mind I'm just there to serve as a verbal punching bag or toy for them to abuse. Less than a person. In my mind they "don't mean to", they're "acting better" now, they'd "be sad" if I wasn't around, and I'd be a bad person.

I don't visit the town I grew up in, am not close to any extended family, it should really be a clean break. But I've been talking about it for a while and the guilt has had me frozen. I would love to hear other people's experiences of severing ties with a toxic dysfunctional family. I need some encouragement!
 
I did this. I moved across the country, like you did. I stopped talking to everyone in my family. I haven't been able to cut all of my mental ties. But otherwise I dont speak to anyone. I still have residual emotions. But now that they're not around I am really on my own and I am somewhat bored. I always thought I could do anything if I was on my own and without them and I have yet to do that. I am struggling to completely break away. I think what I am lacking is belief in myself.

Otherwise it is fine. I keep to myself so much I have very few issues. But I think I am cocooning myself from the world. I would prefer to embrace it. I guess I feel really alone and that is scary to me. But I have had no problems at all. So it's all sort of strange.
 
It took me a long time, plus the loss of a huge amount of money (thousands of dollars), a protection order, more contact, more drama, more drama, and then more drama to eventually get there. Although my mind, psyche, life still feel infested by them, their voices are no longer shouting in my head. I guess it will still take a while before they longer squat in my being.

I've learned that all the attempts at healthy interaction, setting boundaries, etc simply don't work as the game for them is to make up rules as they go along, pretending not to know where your boundaries are, refusing to acknowledge that you even have a right to autonomy, and on and - aaarrrrrgghhh - on.

Of course you are brainwashed, Sweatpants, that's why it is so difficult to make a break and get their tentacles out of your system. Good luck to you, and use this forum to help you get there.

I guess I feel really alone and that is scary to me
This is what makes it so difficult to cut all ties and get rid of them completely. Besides, dysfunctional families are usually enmeshed, and this makes it even more difficult to break all ties.
 
I think mostly because others will judge and condemn me for it

I decided that I was sick and tired of living my life in fear of judgement and condemnation. I stopped contact with my parents because I made the decision that it was best for me, not for anyone else. It was the best thing I did.

I realised that they are not going to make my life any happier by staying in contact and if anyone wants to judge me for that then they do not understand the full facts.

If decided that those I thought would judge and condemn are also not part of my life but part of theirs and would be biased and ill informed. Therefore, who the hell are they to judge me and my actions.

Freeing myself of the triggers allowed me to move on in a more positive way.

DO it for yourself not anyone else. It has probably been the fear of what others might think that stop you doing a lot of things you feel are right for you. Sod them I say, help yourself as those who judge and condemn are not there to help you.

I hope you make the right decision.

Best wishes and luck

Saffy :)
 
I think what I am lacking is belief in myself.

I felt this. I realised this was a symptom of the abuse. They wanted me to believe that I was not worthy or not able to do anything without them. They would constantly tell me 'if it wasn't for us'. Actually if it wasn't for them I would be a more mentally stable person, but they would never admit to helping with that.

I understand that this is so far from the truth it is laughable now. Learning to believe in yourself is all part of the therapy and self improvement so that the past does not affect our present and therefore our future. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)
 
I would love to hear other people's experiences of severing ties with a toxic dysfunctional family. I need some encouragement!

When I was young, I mean very young, most people in our community didn't even know I existed. When the police showed up to rescue me, everyone was surprised when they brought me out. I had been living in our back yard for over a year. My father had to leave the state to hide his shame. He was an "upstanding" man in his church and community, so even afterwards, he always told me, "No one will believe you." One time, on the phone, I told him I forgave him for what happened to me, since he was drunk all the time and was hardly ever home. He said, "I don't drink. I've never drank. You are a liar." His wife, who was listening on the extension spoke up, "I met you in a bar. What do you mean you never drank?" LOL. That made her start to wonder if what I shared with her was really a lie or not.

Then, after living with his brother and his family, I was finally able, after 40 some years, to break away from my family completely. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Yes, I got a lot of flack from cousins and such, but you know what? Many years later, I ran into them in a restaurant, and they told me they finally did the same thing I did. And they felt bad for how they had treated me growing up.

When you are in the toxic zone, you believe the lies and garbage about how it is on you. But in reality, it is them. If you only drink a small amount of poison a day you think it won't hurt you. But over the years it adds up until you are dead.

I am sure you will make the right decision for your own sake.
 
I was sick and tired of living my life in fear of judgement and condemnation
In my experience, judgement and condemnation is part of the growing up experience, and the fear remains even when we no longer have contact - it is a kind of remote control abusers/ toxic families use. Cutting ties with the family is the easy step; it can be done in a second. But then starts the real work - getting rid of the cacophony of internalized voices - and that usually takes a lifetime, as it permeates one's being. It's damn hard work and takes constant vigilance. Don't get me started on this topic!

"I met you in a bar. What do you mean you never drank?"
Love it! :D Isn't it amazing how abusive people always, but always, mess with one's sense of reality? They will deny being alive if the situation calls for it.
 
Thank you all so much for responding.

Although my mind, psyche, life still feel infested by them, their voices are no longer shouting in my head.
You hit the nail on the head. I feel like they've taken over my psyche. When I go to make a decision I hear what I should do, and then I hear their judgement and what they would tell me to do. Which 90% of the time is the opposite of what's best for me. But then I start to feel guilty anyways. Feeling guilty for being myself, even for taking care of myself. As a kid I was told to "suck it up" and compete in sports without letting injuries (broken toes, etc.) even begin to heal. I was taught that self care was not okay and that my worth was dependent on my accomplishments/level of talent. Now as an adult I'm fighting not to beat myself up when I'm ill and need a day off. I've just started wrapping my head around people liking me solely for who I am without all the bells and whistles. No one else in my family was held to the same requirements, and I've subconciously held onto the idea that I was somehow bad and that's why I was treated differently.

I've already decided to change my name and was contemplating going as far as changing my SSN so I can't be traced. My father's temper and dark side is darker than I can even comprehend, past sociopathic to psychopathic, and it may not be an area to take chances. If you don't mind sharing more about the protection order either on here or in a PM I'd really appreciate it.

refusing to acknowledge that you even have a right to autonomy
It's funny you touched on that. Those are the friends I've always gravitated towards. Less extreme verisons of my family. And you're right...there's no establishing healthy boundaries. It's like telling a child not to have a cookie before dinner, and they go and eat a cake. You can address something or use your actions to do so, and they'll try to find a sneaky way around it.

@safenow Wow. I think it's amazing that you were able to forgive your father. And I'm glad to hear that cutting contact was the best thing you've done for yourself. I feel like it's the only way to come into my own, though after 20-something years I'm terrified. Because the abuse started so young, there isn't another known way to live. All of the defensive mechanisms are so entangled with who I am. And relearning everything on my own...I guess I'm worried about making a mistake and having no one there to catch me. I don't know if that makes sense.

If you only drink a small amount of poison a day you think it won't hurt you. But over the years it adds up until you are dead.
 
I have been struggling with this as of late as well. Our family of origin forms who we are and there is comfort in knowing that even if it is ugly. I have a great relationship with my brother and my dad. My mom and other siblings is more challenging and I find them toxic. Unless I am doing what they want I am of no consequence. I am nothing otherwise. I am trying to find my 'definition' of myself and break away from these patterns. It is too destructive being part of their lives and I have to live for me and my own family. My children deserve a completely present mom. I dissociate like crazy around them and I am at a crossroads as well as to what to do but know what I need to. It is just not easy. I still love my mom and siblings but it is too complicated having relationships with them.
 
It has probably been the fear of what others might think that stop you doing a lot of things you feel are right for you.
To some degree it may not even be conscious. The fear of judgement for cutting ties is especially heavy because the worry is that I'll be seen as a bad person. In other situations where I could be seen as other adjectives, I'm typically a little quicker to take the risk.

@jmni Do you feel like people you'd bring into your life now (significant others, friends, etc.) would be another version of your family? Or do you feel like being alone has helped to you to discern who's toxic and who isn't more quickly? I'm a little worried that I would isolate. Staying in contact with my family is a way for me to not face reality and to pretend like things weren't so bad. Once reality hits I'm worried I'll lose faith in the human race as a whole.
 
Staying in contact with my family is a way for me to not face reality and to pretend like things weren't so bad.
You have a very sober and acute take on this. I'd love to respond but have work that needs to be done urgently. I'll come back later today - and tell you about the protection order as well - which wasn't very effective anyway :( And, the saga continues. I have noticed that changing one's identity is just about the only way to really break with them. I've gone as far as fantasizing about finding an attorney crazy enough to tackle the whole of the legal system in an attempt to prove my right to 'divorce' my family to ensure no legal rights apply - e.g. making decisions regarding life-support should I ever be in a situation like that, not having rights to my estate should I die intestate, not having a claim to my daughter should I die without having appointed a legal guardian, etc., or should the guardian die, etc. (I don't live in the US btw, so I don't know how feasibe something like that would be there).

Wi be back later with a mouthful!
 
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