Well, I guess I am going to try this forum. It can't hurt, I guess. A little background information would be helpful to you all, although I find reading other people's posts makes me sad. Sometimes, I wish I was the only one who went through what I did.
I haven't been able to find a good therapist and I have been trying to get into a place that specializes in trauma and anxiety with no luck for 9 months now. I am starting to realize that I just may have to find a way to fix this myself.
Anyways......
I am 41 now, and I am very disappointed in myself that my past still upsets me and the people that abused me still scare me. It's not like I think they will physically hurt me, but I'm scared just the same. Being scared all the time does not make me very proud of myself. I have been through hell and back but I do have some very amazing people in my life now. I have 4 children who are my life - maybe too much so. My husband finally understands and is very supportive, but I went through a very rough 7 or 8 years with him before we separated. He is a completely different person now. He used to be very controlling and because he was very insecure himself basically tried to keep me down all the time. Whenever I was happy or tried to do something to make him proud (all the time) he would find fault in it.
I find it hard to trust that things won't go back the way they were. I have a very hard time showing affection. I just feel very awkward, although I am better with my kids.
History
My father was married to my mothers sister when my mother got pregnant with me. She was never able to forgive herself for that and from the time I was born she took it out on whoever was there. I have an older brother and sister from my dads marriage to my aunt, who have resented me their whole life because I was the one who lived with my father. My mother and father were both very physically and emotionally abusive to me and to each other. My mother was by far the worst of the two with me, but my father never protected me either. Everyday of my life growing up I spent trying to stay out of their way. My mother would beat me any time she got the chance and any time I tried to talk to them I got "don't talk so stupid", or "go to your room, I'm not in the mood right now"
School was no better, kids beat me up and made fun of me there too. I was always dirty and had on old clothes, etc. I basically wet the bed untill I was in my teens and was made to sleep in it when I was younger. Every time I wet the bed I was beat up and humiliated for it. They always told me that I was too lazy to get up, etc... I know better now. Scared to be home, scared to go to school, but school was always better. I was smart, but a trouble maker. I guess I figured the more trouble I made the sooner someone would notice there was a big problem at home. I think everyone knew, but in the 70's no one said anything because the burden of proof was on them.
I was a good kid, never got into drugs or anything. I have spent my whole life trying to prove I was worthy of being loved. As an adult the only meds I am on now is a small amount of celexa and trazadone to help me sleep at night. I would have nightmares and start jumping in my sleep and I was exhausted. I am always anxious about something and I always have to be doing something so I don't have to think about anything but the present. As far as friends go, I don't have any. I have real trust issues and I always think people are going to think I am weird or something. Realistically, I know I am just like anyone else, but I am so scared of rejection and proving once again that I am not likeable that I don't try and actually go out of my way to avoid friendships. I have a lot of acquaintances through work and everything , but that's as far as it goes.
If you met me, you would have no idea I suffer with my emotions every day. I try to stay away from all reminders and all family who have hurt me and of course they make me feel guilty for it and it works. I just can't handle seeing my mother (my father passed away 7 years ago), but she doesn't understand why I can't get over it. As she puts it "parents should be able to do anything to their kids and they should still love them". All she ever tells me is how much she hurts by what she did...... Blah..blah...blah....
I am angry with myself and looking for a way to just enjoy living in the present. How do you start trusting people again? My therapist used to tell me that I need to make friends, but I don't think anyone would want to be my friend, right now. I just don't feel that I have much to give. I worry about alienating my husband completely. He has been trying so hard.
My last therapist wanted me to talk about the past, but it made me worse and worse until I felt that I couldn't keep going to work if I kept it up. I did some reading on complex ptsd and I feel that I need to be able to handle my emotions better before embarking on trying to deal with everything that happened. Sorry for the long post, but how do you explain the deep hurt in a few paragraphs?
Happy to have found a place to share....
Patty:crazy-blu
I haven't been able to find a good therapist and I have been trying to get into a place that specializes in trauma and anxiety with no luck for 9 months now. I am starting to realize that I just may have to find a way to fix this myself.
Anyways......
I am 41 now, and I am very disappointed in myself that my past still upsets me and the people that abused me still scare me. It's not like I think they will physically hurt me, but I'm scared just the same. Being scared all the time does not make me very proud of myself. I have been through hell and back but I do have some very amazing people in my life now. I have 4 children who are my life - maybe too much so. My husband finally understands and is very supportive, but I went through a very rough 7 or 8 years with him before we separated. He is a completely different person now. He used to be very controlling and because he was very insecure himself basically tried to keep me down all the time. Whenever I was happy or tried to do something to make him proud (all the time) he would find fault in it.
I find it hard to trust that things won't go back the way they were. I have a very hard time showing affection. I just feel very awkward, although I am better with my kids.
History
My father was married to my mothers sister when my mother got pregnant with me. She was never able to forgive herself for that and from the time I was born she took it out on whoever was there. I have an older brother and sister from my dads marriage to my aunt, who have resented me their whole life because I was the one who lived with my father. My mother and father were both very physically and emotionally abusive to me and to each other. My mother was by far the worst of the two with me, but my father never protected me either. Everyday of my life growing up I spent trying to stay out of their way. My mother would beat me any time she got the chance and any time I tried to talk to them I got "don't talk so stupid", or "go to your room, I'm not in the mood right now"
School was no better, kids beat me up and made fun of me there too. I was always dirty and had on old clothes, etc. I basically wet the bed untill I was in my teens and was made to sleep in it when I was younger. Every time I wet the bed I was beat up and humiliated for it. They always told me that I was too lazy to get up, etc... I know better now. Scared to be home, scared to go to school, but school was always better. I was smart, but a trouble maker. I guess I figured the more trouble I made the sooner someone would notice there was a big problem at home. I think everyone knew, but in the 70's no one said anything because the burden of proof was on them.
I was a good kid, never got into drugs or anything. I have spent my whole life trying to prove I was worthy of being loved. As an adult the only meds I am on now is a small amount of celexa and trazadone to help me sleep at night. I would have nightmares and start jumping in my sleep and I was exhausted. I am always anxious about something and I always have to be doing something so I don't have to think about anything but the present. As far as friends go, I don't have any. I have real trust issues and I always think people are going to think I am weird or something. Realistically, I know I am just like anyone else, but I am so scared of rejection and proving once again that I am not likeable that I don't try and actually go out of my way to avoid friendships. I have a lot of acquaintances through work and everything , but that's as far as it goes.
If you met me, you would have no idea I suffer with my emotions every day. I try to stay away from all reminders and all family who have hurt me and of course they make me feel guilty for it and it works. I just can't handle seeing my mother (my father passed away 7 years ago), but she doesn't understand why I can't get over it. As she puts it "parents should be able to do anything to their kids and they should still love them". All she ever tells me is how much she hurts by what she did...... Blah..blah...blah....
I am angry with myself and looking for a way to just enjoy living in the present. How do you start trusting people again? My therapist used to tell me that I need to make friends, but I don't think anyone would want to be my friend, right now. I just don't feel that I have much to give. I worry about alienating my husband completely. He has been trying so hard.
My last therapist wanted me to talk about the past, but it made me worse and worse until I felt that I couldn't keep going to work if I kept it up. I did some reading on complex ptsd and I feel that I need to be able to handle my emotions better before embarking on trying to deal with everything that happened. Sorry for the long post, but how do you explain the deep hurt in a few paragraphs?
Happy to have found a place to share....
Patty:crazy-blu