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samsara
Last Activity:
Jun 1, 2008
Joined:
Feb 17, 2008
Messages:
114
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Location:
Australia
Occupation:
writer/editor

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samsara

New Member, from Australia

samsara was last seen:
Jun 1, 2008
    1. sisu
      sisu
      Samsara,
      You have been quiet lately. Are you ready for BB...I have been thinking about you two.

      Sisu
    2. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      Hmmmm, what is it then?

      Spirit x
    3. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      I miss you too babe! I have been so tired with much to do and a little quiet. I am aware of it and I was thinking last night, same old same old Spirit. I will cath up wiht you very soon. Just getting ready for T.

      Spirit x
    4. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      Ha ha! Sh*thead!

      Spirit x
    5. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      Catch ya soon d*ckhead!

      Spirit x
    6. Shoshin
      Shoshin
      Right on, Samsara. Keep encouraging BB!
    7. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      What did I do to deserve those lovely messages then?

      I am back! Back from the holiday from HELL!!!! More F*cking drama - ha ha ha ha ha! It was quite awful actually! My friend pulled a stunt on me! I guess the story of this holiday has lots of laughter potential, but right now I am just trying to return to some level of normality-whatever the cr*p that is - ha ha ha!

      OMG! I need a holiday to recover from my so called holiday! So gald to be back home even if it is 4 days earlier than I expected. My boy and I caught the train (3 all in all) home - 3.5 hours of travelling on public transport!

      OMG, I am still in shock from that holiday!

      Spirit x
    8. Shoshin
      Shoshin
      Samsara, that cookie jar connection is priceless. And the Vietnamese kid...sometimes we have an experience of what the Japanese Zen teachers call kensho...a moment of enlightened clarity brought on by the most unexpected source...What a positive turn of events. I am so happy for you...and yes, I AM going to get back in fighting shape. Thanks.
    9. Seeking_Nirvana
      Seeking_Nirvana
      Your welcome. I love reading dreams. It is a hobby of mine and I also like helping others heal. I hope to see you back with another dream soon.

      Tammy
    10. Shoshin
      Shoshin
      You crack me up.

      I will try to take a break at work tomorrow to get my Roots on. Rock on, Samsara.
    11. sisu
      sisu
      I was feeling really strong and I did it. I sent him a goodbye email. Yay me! I feel like it was finally the right time. I was becoming too obsessed with all of it and it was not healthy. Closure finally. He needs to learn to like himself and get the help he needs before he can be of any value to anyone else.
    12. Cowgirl
      Cowgirl
      Well, Thank you!! You are a pretty awesome person too!
    13. sisu
      sisu
      Samsara~
      How are you and BB doing?? Any good updates?? I hope all goes well for you and he when you meet up in Asia next month.
      Sisu
    14. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      I am away for a week from today. No p.c and no phones. I will see you when I get back!

      Spirit x
    15. sisu
      sisu
      Thanks....I sometimes just ask rhetorical questions.....ones that I need to ask that don't always require an answer. The advice you gave is amazing....I am still in the process of digesting it all. BTW, he is coming over Sunday evening to hang out and watch a movie....just casual. I think it will be good to just hang out.
    16. sisu
      sisu
      Okay, here is an email I just got from my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/whatever he is..when I asked him about doing lunch this week.
      ++++
      Sorry--multiple issues. Got to go immediately. Will detail later--physical issue.
      ++++
      What the hell does that mean?? Does he just want me to worry and think the worst....'cause that is what I could easily do.

      Sisu
    17. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      I am sending out thoughts to the Universe for you!

      Spirit x
    18. samsara
      samsara
      OMG. The we had the most mazing breakthrough yesterday. I don't have time to update you all right now -- we had a four- five hour phone conversation. But it has never beet better than now. Put it out there for me that it stays the same. I feel better than ever, the 'crazy' love story continues...
    19. sisu
      sisu
      Samsara,
      Love the meaning behind the user name. Sisu is Finnish and means strength of will, determination, perseverence and acting rationally in the face of adversity. I think all applies to my current situation.

      I have a strong will and a HUGE faith in God. I truly believe that we are put into the path of people for a reason. We may not know what that reason is....but we eventually will. For some reason my ptsd BF was put on my path and I think he needs me as much as I need him. I need to prove to myself that I can survive and that I am strong. He needs me to prove that not everyone walks away. How all this proving is going to get done...I don't know. I am still trying to digest all of this information and wrap my head around his ptsd and my own issues with his shutting me out.

      My divorce was very similar to my BF's departure. I came home from a weekend visit with family and he had moved out. I was 8 months pregnant with our 2nd child and he felt like he was not cut out to be a dad or husband. Fine time to figure it out.

      I, either don't see any warning signs or there are not any warning signs in my situations. I think I am rambling again. More later.
      Sisu.
    20. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      Bloody hell! I did not realise all of this was going on!

      I guess I can see familiar patterns here! Familiar dysfunctional ways of coping that do ultimately impinge on those people that are connected to the person.

      How would I react? Well I guess I would have to approach that question from the place that I am currently at, healing!

      Ermmm, Well if I had sent those texts (that he sent), etc. I would already be feeling remorseful. Hopefully, he will accept that he was in the wrong? Depends how bad he is feeling? I would hope that he would take what you have said on the chin and that your honesty is seen as an early wake-up call?

      You have been assertive and highlighted to him your boundaries and expectations of him. I guess sometimes PTSD makes it harder to feel that you can fulfil them. Don't get me wrong that is not an excuse, but perhpas you could have a more flexible rule between you? A compromise, I guess? If he is not, or does not feel able to call for whatever reason then he must at least text you to say that! Then you can both re-arrange for another call? That way you know where he is at and do not have to hang around for a call that never comes, which I know would be frustrating! I have realised as time goes on that there is just no point at the moment of having specific expectations of myself, it often makes me feel bad when & if I can't live up to them! My theory is to stretch myself as time goes on and my healing gets under way!
      You have to consider BOTH of you!

      You were assertive but loving Samsara this is the key! It must be hard to commnunicate whilst he is in another place. Prehaps, you should let go of trying to help him stay on the straight and narrow until you are together, you will wear yourself out I would think?

      Just listen and be the wonderful sounding board that you are, but maybe try to avoid finding remedies for him.

      They are just my thoughts Samsara.

      You need to check after yourself and let some things just go! He is responsible for himself, remember!

      It is very clear that you love him and have respect for yourself! I am sure that he does not mean to tap into your feelings concerning pushing or disrespecting your boundaries.

      However, you are right to give him the opportunity to avoid doing that again.

      With Love
      Spirit x
    21. samsara
      samsara
      I'm posting an email I sent BB today. This forum has become my diary.

      Spirit and Shoshin, and anyone else, I'd love to hear what you think of how I expressed myself here. I feel good about it, but I'd like to know how you would have immediately reacted if you received this.

      xx

      ******

      Hey baby,

      A thunderstorm came in and I realised some stuff and probably needed to not speak to you for a few days to adjust my thoughts anyway. This has been a real emotional roller coaster for me as well -- we all have voices in our heads, I forgot to turn the volume down so I could think. In any case, I guess my concern for you and desire to see you again, get things very out of proportion because I have not shared myself with any one, not even friends like I have been with you the past months for a really long time. And the last time I did was when I had a break down because I wasn't right in the head.

      Now I am fine and ready, but human, and so I guess that's why I keep seeing ghosts -- they're healthy, they remind me I'm human and I need to act accordingly, I need to act on my new found protection mechanisms. I can't believe a thunderstorm helped me work that out. I can though I guess -- I'm a pantheist after all -- nature will always tell me what's what.

      Anyway, I hope I didn't do your head in that much. I'd apologise, but I'm not sorry for being honest. I'm only sorry if I caused some trouble for you. But even then, you need to deal with my short-comings as much as I need to deal with yours. And also, I stand by my request to you regarding being a bit more honourable to your word. I'd just like to think that with all the effort I am making, you could at least find some time for us to have a private quality chat. I need this as much as you. When I say I promise I mean it. When you do, it's sugar coating. I'm not a sweet tooth, so don't bother!

      Put yourself in my shoes. I care about you very much, and for the past months, somehow I have reignited a flame and it's now a burning blazing fire in my heart. I feel like we are intimately soul mates. I'm certain we are, but there is a block. I'm willing to be patient to allow that block to clear but I need your respect for my feelings as well. Your excessive drinking makes you selfish -- that's what being numb is, allowing yourself to become insensitive. I can't really cope with that too well. I'm not asking you to stop drinking, that would be ridiculous, but I am asking you to expect me to have some feelings on all of this. Your actions affect me as much as my words affect you.

      OK, I'll explain in a metaphorical diagram. When I last spoke to you when you were very drunk and then I wake up to a text explaining you've been kicking someones teeth in. Can you not understand that that makes me feel particularly yuck about you drinking? Yeah he pulled a knife on you, yeah you defended yourself -- good for you. But seriously, I care about you. Don't you think I would like to know from you personally? Make sure you are OK? Even if you are, I need to know, on my terms. Then multiple texts from you made me even angrier. Why couldn't you have just sorted your shit out and made some time for a phone call? All that made me think was shit, is he arrested, were the cops involved, is he on a bender, has he fallen over, does he even give a fu*k that I do? -- what's the point? -- what a waste of energy these past months ā€“ Iā€™m an idiot. He goes on about calling me and spending time talking to me all week, then NOTHING! Like it was never mentioned. I have a f*c*ing busy life Baby, I have other shit I need to do. When you say you are going to do something, do it ā€“ lock it in. This is manic and I don't do manic any more. I'm a chilled, happy person. I am happy with how I am, and I will get angry and emotional if someone fu*ks with that.

      I have trouble understanding why you don't realise why that would piss me off. You need to learn this if we are to be friends. I'm not playing by your communication rules ā€“ they fu*king suck quite frankly.

      And I love you, very much. But know, love is not enough. Respect, communication and being honest are even more important, to me anyway.

      I've attached some advice from a friend with a similar background to you on how she copes with nightmares, I've started to prepare a box for you, you can do the rest. I'll send it when I get some money from you. I'm moving house soon and skint as fu*k.

      I'm still pissed off with you. Fu*k!
    22. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      Hello lovely!

      Thank you for taking the time to nail ;-) that song to me. Music is my medicine, I will find it on you tube and blast it out!

      Hope you doing good?
      Love and friendship Spirit x
    23. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      Thank you for checking in on me and telling me off :-) I need a good telling off every now and then. Always thinking of you!

      Spirit x
    24. samsara
      samsara
      Thanks for the thought.

      It's OK though, it's just a screen name and is quite relevant to where I am at with my relationship with BB. It's more to do with where our relationship was at when we last saw each other, it's a little metaphorical. That is to say, our relationship was in Samsara and I felt at the time that that is where it was destined. The Purpose of Samsara is for a reincarnated cycle of life, as it is derived from "to flow together," to go or pass through states, to wander. BB and I have not laid eyes on each other for three years and only came in to contact a year ago. We believe our relationship has come full circle, it's been/being reincarnated, it has new life.


      [quote=TLight]Hi Samsara, I'm TLight;

      I've been reading a very enlightening book; Living with the Devil" Stephen Batchelor.

      It talks about Samsara in Buddhism, all the various practices, but the essential meaning I'm getting is: "uncontrolable rebirth , filled with suffering and problems. In this sense, Samsara may be translated as "Wheel of Suffering." (Wikpedia-Tibetian Buddhism).
      Other definitions are not so 'debilitating' shall we say. But still, the cycle of reincarnating back to this place of strife, until we are released through enlightenment.

      Last night, as reading, I thought.........perhaps you don't want to define yourself here as that. As the Upanishads claim, you are truly all "That", the glorious That which creates and breathes life into everything.
      Are you sure you want your identity to be Samsara?

      Just a thought, I hope I haven't offended.[/quote]
    25. spiritofnow
      spiritofnow
      Thanks for messaging me last night ;-)
      I am ok :-)

      Spirit x
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  • About

    Location:
    Australia
    Occupation:
    writer/editor
    I'm a young body with an old soul. I'm here because I am in love with a beautiful man who has pstd

    somachi yoga, music, live gigs, writing, writing, writing.
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