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You know you have complex trauma when......

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......when you are genuinely astonished that anyone likes you, enjoys your presence, finds you attractive, values your opinion, .....misses you.

You are caught off guard by this...you can scarcely believe what your hearing...yet they seem to really mean it....hmmmmm????
 
When ^^ is brilliant, in your eyes.

That's practical reasons for self improvement, before the very deadly enemy (cough depression) kicks your ass.

You're too old for those shenanigans, or at least feel that way, but reframing in a way that makes it action & challenge? Much more doable.
 
When 'my' and 'abuser' change to 'not mine' and 'never mine' and 'I don't care for the past shared with you', and 'that little shit that can't hope to be worth a bootkick'... and it's still too bloody tangled.

When new c-trauma just doesn't register as trauma, except to emotional parts of you you're busy doing a check with yourself to not silence. You know somewhen, it will mean an epic meltdown over little details meaning too many things. Right now you don't mind. Purpose & Strength.
 
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When you are always trying to prepare for the worst case scenario, when your doctor says you may never recover, when you can pinpoint triggers, when your lights are on, but no body is home. When you look into a mirror expecting to see a child and clearly it's an adult starring you in the face, when you sware you put your keys here...someone else moved them, but you have been the only one home, when someone is talking to you, but you missed the entire conversation, and when it feels like 10 minutes went by when indeed it was 6 hours.
 
You focus more on the coping mechanisms & abstracts than trauma details & concretes, as a thinking style.

Because everything else just spins you.

What seems as evasiveness is just you being constructive.

(And it takes you years to figure why that communication style, while you're fine with some level of brutality in casual coffeetime mentions, so discomfort wasn't it.)
 
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