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Sexual Assault Family Divided After Assault - I Became A Taboo

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Nymeria

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Last summer, after a party with family and long-time friends in my brother's apartment, his best friend aussaulted me. While I was still asleep, he penetrated me with two fingers.

A few days later, my sister coordinated a phone call between us. He admitted to everything I said and said he didn't mean to hurt me. He also said that I should take my share of the responsibility too (because we had kissed before we fell asleep, even though I stopped that because he was like a brother to me and it felt weird). He told me he didn't know that one had to check whether the other person is awake and that he hadn't heard of the concept of consent.

After that, I naively tried to send him further information with comics about consent. He grew ever more defensive and stated that he didn't commit a crime and it wasn't like I thought it was. When I sent him a link where a similar case resulted in 2 years of prison for the perpetrator, he became really nasty.

Although he initially had told me that I should be the one who should tell my brother, he called my brother himself after he heard that I had told him. He then told him a different version, that I was awake and participating.

For my, it really got worse after that. My brother suddenly said that he didn't want to decide who's lying and after 6 weeks or so decided that he will believe us both and that it was just a "misunderstanding".

My two other brother and sister blamed me for destroying the family union, because I told them that my brother didn't believe me and that I was very upset and hurt.

This was last fall.

Since then, little has changed. My parents say they support and believe me. However, the family life goes on as normal (just without me). The topic seems to be a taboo between them. My brother is still living with the perpetrator, doing parties in the same apartment.

I feel like they expect me to heal and then make everything normal again, while they go on as usual.

We had always been a very close-knit family, especially the siblings. I have now severe PTSD and am in constant "heart" pain, because I just can't understand how they can see this happen and don't take a clear stand for me.

I have been to a hospital to stabilization, but haven't had trauma exposition yet, so the symptoms persist and I struggle every day. I also have an increasing alcohol problem, because I feel like I can't bear the pain alone (and I'm still scared of sleeping). I'm afraid when any (!) man gets close, even though I never had problems with men before.

Now, every time I talk to my parents, I feel a lot worse after that. I have told them many times that I need them to protect me within the family and tell the others what the tell me, but they don't seem to be capable of that.

Me (31) and my siblings have all moved out and live in different cities. We talked a lot on the phone and visited us frequently.

I don't know what to do now. I love my family a lot, but thinking about all that happened makes me hurt constantly. I have considered to cut the contact for a while, but I feel very sad and guilty doing so.

Do you have any experiences or advice in matters like this?

PS: Full disclosure, I've posted this question in another forum (Scarleteen). However, I feel like this is a space more for ptsd-questions. Thank you all so much in advance!
 
I think it might be best if for now you focus on your own healing. Contact with your family only seems to be making things worse. When you're stronger you can then work on family issues.

Also, you're an adult and putting your parents in a very difficult position. I think it's up to you to defend yourself and not put them in the middle by requiring them to defend you. No longer are you the child who needs your parents for protection. Yes, they do support you, which is a good thing, but I think it's important to understand that they love their other children, too and most likely don't want to anger everyone.
 
It's sad that not only were you assaulted, but now are at the center of a very difficult family situation. Nymeria, your feelings are valid, as are the feelings of your family members. Since you all live in different places, counseling would be a challenge , which is unfortunate.

It sounds like this needs to be brought out of the shadows and dealt with, and then hopefully put to rest. If that means you seeking counseling to resolve your feelings, or to learn to accept your family's feelings, then that's the answer. You can't control anyone else's feelings, and you can't force them to see this from your perspective.

The other options are to either cut off communication with your family (which does nothing to resolve this), or continue on with things as they are now (which does nothing to resolve this).

I wish you luck with it. It's never fun to feel like the people who have your back actually don't.
 
Thank you for your kind words and advice!

Part of the problem for my family may be that I'm the oldest of 5 and have been put in a position of responsibility since a very young age. It could be possible (theory of my friends and also therapist), that they can't comprehend that the roles have changed now and that I can't function for everybody as usual. Before I had (somewhat voluntarily) been the go-to person for any type of conflict in the family to mediate or advice. I have been trying to be less available for that in the last years though, especially for my parents asking me for assistance in dealing with my youngest sister.
Maybe for me that also adds to the amount of pressure to get back to normal again for the family to function. Somehow though, I seem to have a block in my healing.

A curious thing has occured since my last posting. I was very sick with a flu on Wednesday and while I was lying in bed I said to myself "Mamaa", as I sometimes do when I feel really sick and no one is there to pamper me. A few days later, I wrote her on a random matter. She replied with a long email, that she's wondering how I am and thinking a lot about all this. But here goes: she then wrote that she had heard me calling for her the very same day I was sick! Talking about motherly intuition!
So, after that, I phoned her right away and told her that I had indeed called her name that day. We talked about "light" matters and my health situation, so it was a good start I think.
Also, because of the flu, I (almost) drank no alcohol this week. I feel fitter.
 
Thank you for your kind words and advice!

Part of the problem for my family may be that I'm the oldest...
I'm glad you sound happier @Nymeria I understand what it is like to be the eldest although in my case I was treated like a kid or an imbecile by the rest of my family so I eventually was forced to take drastic measures to distance myself for my own self preservation. At least it sounds like your mother loves and cares for you.
 
Hi you all,
since my last post I've take the decision to travel to get away from things and closer to myself again. I've been staying with old friends in three different countries, all of which I've history and happy memories with.
It has done me a lot of good, as I'm getting more in touch with my "pre-trauma identity", I even have been able to focus more on the research for my thesis.

However, the hurt about what happened and the fear of it happening again are still intruding whenever my mind is not distracted otherwise.

I had forgotten my Zoloft pills and have been coping without them since. Shortly after that, I've also read that Zoloft merely surpresses the feelings during the day, but that they all come out in nightmares in the night. I have been terrefied of sleeping and dreaming up till now, maybe that could be an explanation.

The nightmares, mostly about my siblings, persist. Most nights I wake up trembling or crying. It's different settings and situations every dream, but in the end they again have screamed at or turned away from me, just as they did after I told them about the abuse.

Also, I still feel most of the weight to resolve the inner familiar conflict by myself, like my parents and siblings expect me to "become normal again" and then gloss over things.

I feel trapped in my own mind and within the family. Despite all the strides I have taken in my healing (and there have been a lot), concerning the sources of the trauma I feel more pressure than progress.

Has any of you experienced this feeling of being stuck?

And has any of you dealt with (dear) family members who have distanced themselves after learning of the abuse?
 
@Nymeria I can relate all too well to your experience. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I was sexually assaulted by my brother in law. My sister found out and refused to believe me. We haven't spoken in several years. I lost my relationship with my niece and nephew.

My mother continues to play the I'm in the middle card. Worrying more that she'll lose her relationship with her grandchildren than caring about any detrimental effects his actions had on me.

Even when it first came out all she cared about was my sister knowing and what it meant towards her. She never once asked if I was OK.

I'm sorry I have no words to offer in terms of what to do. Just know you're not alone.

I will say that even though I lost my relationship with my family I don't regret going to the police... Id do it again. Because what my brother in law did to me was disgusting.
 
So, in another attempt to clear up the family situation, I had a talk with my mother today. At one point, she asked me in all seriousness, what harm my brother had actually caused. He has doubted the rape occured after his friend had told him that I lied and participated in it (after initially admitting everything). My brother then continued to live with his friend for 10 months.

As I told her that, she said that I was being unfair to find it harmful that he moved out of the rapists' apartment only after 10 month.

I feel very strongly that she's trying to shoot the messenger here, so to not admit that terrible things have happened in the aftermath of the rape.

I'm at a loss of attempts to get support or understanding from my siblings and even parents. What disquiets me most is that their narrative consists in my being a person that focusses on the negative, always having explanations handy for the hurtful behaviour of the other siblings while judging me for being hurt by it.

Is that denial kind of behaviour really so common? What do you guys do to deal with it?
 
Every time I tried to talk to my mother about how deeply she hurt me, she would tell me (flippantly) to stop being a crybaby. No remorse, not an ounce of concern. I had to remove her from my life.
 
Every time I tried to talk to my mother about how deeply she hurt me, she would tell me (flippantly...
She sounds like a very toxic person and probably afraid to allow herself to know how much hurt she caused.

I've resolved to think of my parents that they try, but they're unable to realize what has happened because they need to keep up the image of family harmony. I'm living proof of the problems, so in order to self-preserve, they need to put the blame on me. My mother firmly believes that the problems will resolve if I just work hard enough on them in therapy.

It's still very hurtful and hard to accept, but I find it helps when I look at them with compassionate eyes and protect me from them at the same time.

Another thing with them is that they take every positive event in my life as a sign that everything's good. What I get from that is that I should be miserable to be taken seriously, but then I can't heal. I'm already feeling guilty to be happy and this contributes to that.
 
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