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Self Hate Is A Tricky Little Beast

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St.Maybe

Confident
Here we go again.
The slightest issues make me feel insanely guilty- enter self-hate and suddenly I'm considering suicide?
It's ridiculous and I'm trying to slow down my mind but it's clear to me that my symptoms and things are gradually getting out of hand. I'm afraid that it's this wild kind of thinking today, and something worse tomorrow- can't be healthy to sit around anticipating one's symptoms getting worse and worse.

What do you all do when you slowly feel things getting out of hand?
 
Here we go again.
The slightest issues make me feel insanely guilty- enter self-hate and suddenly I'm...
I get in my car and drive to an abandoned parking lot with no one around and scream my feeling at the top of my lungs. Sometimes, I have a conversation with myself. I take two chairs and I sit in one of them and say to the chair what I want to say. Then I switch roles back and forth trying to gain perspective. Sometimes it helps.
 
Well-I think of suicide. I dream of suicide. Eventually it calms down alittle....until it happens aga...
Hi Snowflake,
Just saw your Monday post. I am new.
I Joseph go to bed wishing to not wake up, but I do.
Is there something you are grateful to have? Not in a religious way, just anything.
Everyday I fight this. But thinking positive thoughts about what I am grateful to have, has helped.
I do this in the morning, even if I feel like you know what. I say morning.....lol I never know what time I am going to wake up. My sleep cycle is off, but whatever your morning is, try to make the best of it.
Hugs, Joseph :)
 
@St.Maybe if you've apologised and done all you can to fix things, there's no need to feel guilty.

Guilt is good by helping us reflect on our actions, but once you've learned its lesson, take heart and carry on! :geek:

Discuss this pattern of thinking with your T. It's best to fix this before it gets entrenched. It's sooo good that you recognize where your thinking is at!! :tup:

I hope this helps stop your thinking sliding down towards suicide, you're so much better than that! :)
 
Self Hate Is A Tricky Little Beast

Damn straight. It sure as hell, is.

What do you all do when you slowly feel things getting out of hand?

1. Humor. Always. Nothing is as hard as it was when it's being laughed at. If I can't find the funny? I'm reeeeeally doing badly, because I've only ever found 2 things in life that can't be laughed at, if I really put my mind to it. So sometimes I have to work, really really hard, to find and scrap of a thing I can laugh over, smile at, Ha! gotcha you sonuvabitch! / be grateful for in a f*cked up, exhaustipating (too tired to give a shit), just flat out bad situation. But if I can find the funny? I've got an edge. And when I'm doing badly, or getting worse, I need every damn edge I can find.

2. Remind myself. One of the first things that goes when I'm doing badly is my memory. I can't think. I can't remember what works, and what doesn't work. So I need to both start compiling lists of what does work, and start setting reminders for myself (both of what they are, AND to do them!)... So I don't look up 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years later...and realize...well shit. <grin> One of my best tricks in that area? Is exactly what you're doing now; ask others. Doesn't matter how well I know something, or how fundamental something is in my life / aka I always always always do "that"... If I've gone & forgotten (or disassociated) it :facepalm:

3. Back to basics. For me, one of the biggest parts of PTSD is having to relearn just about everything. I have a poll around here somewhere that lists off Round 1 of those items / when I was wondering how common that was / if it was as common as I thought it might be. Anything I can avoid having to relearn it, as well as all the secondary symptoms from not doing it whether I have to relearn it or not, are HUGE. Avoiding secondary problems is huge huge huge (like sleep dep? Only increases already existing anxiety, paranoia, depression, not thinking clearly, not exercising, volatile moods, short temper, appetite issues, etc. ). A lot of the items on the list can she shorthand' days "self care". Aha. Found it! :) Back To Basics If I've still got those things going on in my life? I cement them, make sure I'm doing them -on purpose, even if they're still mostly rote- to keep the skill set up, but go onto Round 2; the more complicated tasks, as well. Like not just simple hygeine, but making myself pretty. Not just talking to people but deliberately maintaining connection with people. Especially if I don't want to.

4. Ignore Myself. I have to ignore myself a LOT when I'm doing badly. Ranging from the extremes of my "better ideas" (like eating my gun) to the very childish "I don't wanna!" that starts cropping up like keeeeerazy. It's super challenging on a number of fronts, especially because listening to myself (my needs and wants, not my bullshit) is super hard to do when I'm doing badly. At any point, but especially when I should. So it becomes a very 180 degrees of opposite practice, holding 2 equal and opposite truths, in the palm of my hand. I need to listen to the things I'm automatically ignoring (like hunger, tiredness, stress rising, etc.), and NOT listen to all the outstanding (aka bullshit) my brain is cranking out. The summation of those 2 things? Means I ignore myself. I do things I don't want to, and don't do things I do want to.

5. Take Breaks. Both deliberately taking breaks between activities, even if I don't need them; and mini-isolating BEFORE I'm tired/overwhelmed/I want off this damn planet/kaboom! So I might isolate for a few hours, preemptively, instead of days to WTF knows how long because I have just exceeded my limits. Ditto, I may only get 5 things done in a day, because I'm taking a solid hour between things I don't need, instead of 10 things... But 5 is waaaaaay better than 0 for a week/month/longer because I was just fine...until I wasn't, and now I can't even get out of bed.

6. Need/Wants. Mentioned this briefly above, but it rates it's own category as it goes a couple different ways. First off, as I said, I lose the ability to want anything in survival mode (and I start living in survival mode more and more when I start doing badly), and my needs get the back burner, and my priorities get f*cked six ways from Sunday. It is reeeeeeally important that I both determine what my need/wants are to the best of my ability, and also to make sure that I'm doing something -at least 1 thing!- that I want to be doing, on purpose, each and every single damn day. // The other piece to this, is that when I'm doing badly I stop being able to parse what's a need & what's a want... Accurately. Wants become needs in my heart&mind, while needs become wants. Snort. An example of this is never feeling hungry until I'm starving. Literally starving. All of these things in this list actually tie into each other, but this one, especially. It's possibly the most important, for me, although it may seem the least important.

7. Blow off stress. With. A. Vengeance. For true, early, & often. In as many different ways as I can think of. And, like the rest, before I actually need to.

8. Touch Base with people I trust // AKA Sanity Checks. Alright... Just how damn far off the Rez AM I right now??? And then also take them at their word, and act accordingly. ((This doesn't mean the thing of presenting well when actually about to spin the f*ck out. This means being completely up front and honest with people, and trusting them to be honest with me in return. The "trust" word just got used here, a lot. I don't often have ANYONE I trust in my life, and when that's the case, things need to be adjusted around a bit. This forum is one of those ways; getting diverse input to a situation at hand. It also means listening to shit I don't wanna hear ;) Like I'm doing worse -or wildly differently- than I think I am. Just had that happen as a matter of fact :facepalm: That's a very, very good thing. It really gives me something to work with when Inrealize my perception is off. But I also have to be open to hearing it. ))
 
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Shame and self-loathing were eating me alive. Many days, the only thing that got me through was knowing I had an out. I've spent my whole life wondering if I should have played that card...

Anyway, everything changed last year when I got my diagnoses (PTSD and ADHD) and I finally understood that I wasn't the loathsome, misfit freak that I always believed I was. I was still a misfit freak, but for the first time ever, I understood that my strangeness was caused by events that I had no control over. I was innocent!

I thought about how I would feel if all of this had happened to someone I cared deeply for. I would hurt for them. I would know that they were victims, and that they deserved my compassion, not my revulsion. That was the day I started learning to love myself. I still have a long way to go in the recovery process, but the decision to show myself compassion was the most profound decision I've ever made.

I care about you, St Maybe, so you need to start treating this person that I care about more gently. :hug:Cheesy as f*ck, I know, but I'm feeling kinda shameless lately...:)
 
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Here we go again.
The slightest issues make me feel insanely guilty- enter self-hate and suddenly I'm...

I know what you mean. I medicate, over medicate and self medicate if you know what I mean. It is hard to feel love and appreciation, when the people you wanted it from the most never gave it to you. That is where I am coming from at least. I tend to do very physical and sometimes dangerous work to get my mind off of things sometimes too. I won't have a "career job" again, or at least doubt I will. One day at a time, or sometimes, 1 hour at a time. God bless
 
Thank you, everybody <3
I've been reading these over the past couple of days and your words have really helped.
I would respond individually but I'm honestly just too awfully exhausted atm..

Wishing you well, with love,
Reno
 
Hi @St.Maybe
One of the things I am learning is just because I interpret words or actions a certain way doesn't make it true. And even if something was meant a certain way, that is their problem. Taking it on and feeling shame and self hate is a developed (through much encouragement of others) habit.
Suicidal thinking is also a learned habit and a huge red flag some self care is needed no matter how fleeting the thought. In fact awareness of the fleeting thoughts and taking positive action by sharing with others, making a list of good things about yourself. This can be very difficult because you will inwardly veto anything positive about you. It can be done however and keep the list, add to it and when feeling bad read it.
If I have a bad day at work usually because someone has been an asshole or I made one or more mistakes, my red flag is the "throw yourself on the train tracks" blip that runs through my mind on the trip home.
Its not a compulsion (at this point) just a blip. That is when I need to do something nice for me.

Find something that centers you. A good motivating podcast you can listen to on your phone, coming here and writing, breathing and grounding exercises.
Everything @FridayJones posted.

@Joseph King

Welcome to the forum. Going to sleep hoping not to wake up is a very familiar feeling for me. I also remember waking up and my first thought was "f*ck, I'm still here."
For me personally, that is certainly a sign I have been ignoring way too many other red flags and now I am not only down the rabbit hole but I have fallen into a deep pit and each of those thoughts digs the pit deeper and can turn into an abyss of hopelessness. I am beyond and actually incapable of of self help then because I am daydreaming (planning) of ways to plan my escape from the pain that are unhealthy to say the least and life threatening.
I hope if you don't already have one that you start interviewing/searching for a therapist you feel "gets you" and can really help you.

Good luck wishes to us all.
 
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