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Childhood The Stigma Of Child Abuse

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I guess I'm just being childish about all this. This sucks and nothing's gonna make it not suck. Crappy reality to have to accept, but that's life, and it could be worse, right?

I don't think you're being childish. Your life could be worse, but putting your experience on a spectrum of all possible experiences probably isn't helpful. You don't have to ponder your suffering relative to all possibility. Your suffering is yours. It's a big deal because it is your life, your experience. And that does, indeed, suck.

I agree with Ragdoll that it can get better, though. You have control of what happens next in your journey. You can choose to fight to get better--to manage your PTSD and quell the burn your experiences left you with. My T always says that I will always have a scar, but I don't need to have a gaping, festering wound forever.
 
I was abused as a kid and I feel like I'm some kind-of f*cked up freak/loser because I have all of these crazy problems from it. I've spent so long with these issues that I developed an entire identity and mental framework out of it. I think like, if I recover, then what the hell is life going to look like? I know it'll be completely different, in a better way, but that idea freaks me out a little.
Welcome to a very, very large club. What you describe - the life-long mental construct, fear of losing your identity as a f*cked-up abused person, thinking that you might be one of a very few people that has the kind of story you have - you didn't say that directly, but I'm extrapolating it - these feelings are incredibly common. If it helps to know: This is normal.

And, if it helps: these are all cognitive constructs that can ultimately be dismantled. You're not a freak/loser. Your entire identity is not shaped by it; if that were true, you'd not think it was at all a problem. So, there is at least a sliver of you that is grounded in a different identity - one that isn't a construct of your past. It's that sliver that you'll be building upon. And life actually doesn't become completely different - I don't have proof for that, but I know that absolute statements like 'completely' are generally distortions. Life will still be life, only better.

It also makes me sick to my stomach to realize that I've been robbed of nearly half my life because of the scumbags I was born to. Ya know? It's still really hard for me to understand what hell happened to me. But if I want to get better, I realize I have to work through it, understand it, and move on with my life. I would love to finally have a normal life, after so many years struggling to have one.
Again, join the club - your'e not alone in this stuff either. I'd encourage you to not get too deep into the anger until you're working with a therapist. It won't really help much, and will only contribute to you feeling shittier. That's my opinion.

Has anyone else felt this way? Does any gracious person out there have any experienced advice they could offer for this time in my life?
Yep. It all rings a bell for me, and these statements are quite similar to many others I've read on the forum.

It's like navigating a jungle to try and find a professional, intelligent, competent therapist who uses the best evidence-based practices out there. I hope I can find one of those.
Not really. You can find them at specific trauma institutes. The question is whether or not you can afford them, that's all. Knowing what I've read of your history on here, I'd personally recommend that you look into classic Prolonged Exposure therapy, at least to start. If you can stomach telling a chunk of your story repeatedly, it will be the evidence-based technique that keeps you in control of what you are talking about. And, since you are approaching just a big chunk of childhood, with many anecdotes, you'll be able to get on top of things a bit better, before you move onto something like EMDR. Right now, EMDR might be a bit overwhelming.

Do you have financial restrictions? Is it an option for you to look into trauma centers for a short burst of inpatient? With insurance, it can be surprising how some of them are actually covered. If I recall correctly, you're in NY state? I could be really wrong about that. But depending on how close you are to the city - columbia's trauma recovery program is excellent, mt. sinai also, and they both have active research wings, which means they are running clinical trials quite often. Clinical trials aren't just med trials, they are sometimes cognitive, sometimes neuro-based; they often come along with some kind of therapy provided, and it's all free. You won't get more evidence-based than a clinical trial.

I guess I'm just being childish about all this.
I am going to say, actually- yes, a little. But not in the way you think.

It's overwhelming. There's no way around it. And it's shitty as hell. But: every doc isn't an asshole, every therapist isn't crap. It's rare to find a treatment situation that immediately screams, 'I'm the right one!' - you'll need to be willing to stick with some things, sometimes, even if they are uncomfortable. It will all take much longer than you'd like it to. There's no instant gratification in recovery.

But - it's a road that many people walk successfully. It can be done.

I appreciate all the "likes" and everything, whatever those are worth, but does anyone here have anything they can SAY to me???
Guess what? Those likes mean that people have taken the time to read what you've written, and it's the support group equivalent of a roomful of people nodding their heads as you speak. So, they are worth quite a bit.

Check your privilege. Threads can take 24-48 hours to accumulate responses. Also, the more engaged you are with the community, the more the community will engage with you. Don't make demands on others - support will be given freely, if you allow the necessary space and time for it.
 
I liked and left because I didn't have any feedback or response.

A "like" here is a mode of support. It is not akin to a Facebook "like". It's a way that people can say "I read your post and you have my support but I don't have constructive feedback for you at this time."

Please remember you're in a community of people who oftentimes experience an inability to communicate or even have an immediate response to things. (An infamous trait of mine.)

People care, but not everyone is going to be able to identify with your specific issue. It can be a complete game of chance----you may post something but by chance there may be nobody online who identifies with you for hours, days, sometimes even longer.
 
Many of the members will hit the like button, so you will know it has been read. Not everyone who reads the post can necessarily understand your situation, or it is too painful for them to respond.

As you continue with the forum you will develop friendships, and a support network.

As for finding a therapist; do you have a regular physician? If so they may be able to recommend a reputable therapist.
 
"my life isn't really worth living with these problems, so I either get them taken care of, or I really don't know"

I vote get them taken care of. ;)
 
I've had to accept that there's no way to become the normal person that I would have been if the abuse and other trauma hadn't happened. And I'm trying to believe that the person I've become by working with my trauma is someone worthy and lovable.
 
It's an ongoing mindf*ck, is all I can say. Worse is that, even though I am distant (emotionally, geographically, and otherwise) from my parents, I still do see them from time to time and always feel retraumatized when I'm with them and afterward. I wish I had the courage to just tell everyone in my family about the abuse, but this is a dysfunctional family, and I would be shamed, silenced, or (most likely) ignored. I'm not ready to have ZERO family of origin.

Hugs to you. So sorry you're going through this.
 
It is very confronting to face up to the truth of the affect of child abuse, facing the reality that I had just been existing and not living my life, that I had wasted over thirty years by refusing to see the truth, was devastating for me. If I hadn't have felt that feeling I wouldn't have found the motivation to change. I hear your pain, for me it never completely goes, but it has been replaced by a realization I did the best I could to survive, and I can make that survival have meaning.

I was told when I first started this journey that the only way was to go through it, to face the pain, and find the truth, it was hell, and at times I gave up, fought myself, and tried to attack myself, and sunk into a deep, deep depression. I can't tell you how many times I swapped therapists, blamed them for my lack of progress, because I wasn't ready to face the truth, that unless I trust those around me, and are prepared to accept help, and face those really horrible feelings then I wasn't going to get to where I wanted to be.

It was hard to face the truth, there is no justice, no one is to save you, and no one can undo the past. For me it was hard to face the affect it had on the person I was because I was projecting my parents beliefs on to everyone around me. I believed that everyone was unsafe, they couldn't be trusted, so I avoided people or any situation that made me feel threatened, or where I risked being visible. I was still believing that I was so disgusting that if anyone knew the truth they would reject me and treat me like my parents. Most importantly for me in cutting off my parents, I stopped allowing the abuse to continue, but then had to face the truth I was now my own abuser, and was making myself miserable believing the untruths of the past, so I didn't have to face the pain of the truth. It was hard to face the truth of the severity of my abuse, but I survived the first time and I have survived facing the truth.

These days my life has meaning, I have people in my life and I am fully experiencing my life, at work people ask me why I am so happy? I found the key and escaped out of my self imposed prison, life is pretty amazing for me now, I am extremely grateful for those who supported me on this forum, and offered me words of wisdom when I could not see hope.

Whether we buy into the beliefs of others, or seek our own truth is a choice. It was hard to face the truth I had developed issues as a result of my abuse, but as time passed it was even more uncomfortable ignoring the truth, that it was my responsibility to change my actions and thoughts now. I judged people, I mind read and created the very situations I was trying to avoid. I believed the worst of others, when they had done nothing to me, I treated them like they were bad, that they would hurt me or reject me. Finding self acceptance has enabled me to find acceptance of others, when I am kind to myself I am kinder to others. I don't condemn them or judge them based on my past experiences.

Everyone deserves to live their life in peace.
 
Peace. All I've ever really wanted. The 'Holy Grail'.

I was thinking, my one (or 2) only saving graces are I love beauty, joy, peace, softness, kindness, laughter, grace, truth. And I do think of others' well-being, more than my own. I mean, I want them to have that & more. It's a better motivation for me .To overcome fear, ignore self-hatred, etc. But I despise the opposite environment or thoughts: lies, discord, conflict, games, competition, raging, prejudice, miserable-ness, un-safety. Etc.

So I'd just rather have that in my life, no matter what I 'am' or what my history. (Thanks @shell .)

(Not sure if that's helpful).
 
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I don't have much to offer, because I am in the same boat, stuck in a place that is painful and not sure what way to go -- healing, or the opposite.
I tried therapy for 8 years during adolescence, and it hasn't seemed to help me. The process was extremely triggering, and today I am more 'broken' than I ever have before. It gives me little hope that therapy can help me, BUT I've decided I am going to keep trying - I'm hoping that now, as an 'adult', my brain is more receptive to learning and more motivated to be better than the last time I went to therapy.

We can go through this together if you'd like. We are both starting at the beginning of the healing process - maybe it won't hurt as much to have someone who is doing the same?
 
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