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Supporter My Ex Has Ptsd, And Maybe I Also Need Help

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thelonely1

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Hello everyone.

I am here because my ex is in trouble now. She keeps trying to hurt herself and other people - and she might succeed. I need to get her help.

I always knew what she was feeling, but I didn't understand why until recently. It is difficult to talk to her about her trauma, many of you likely know how hard it can be. The only times she is conscious of it is when she freaking out, and when that happens my priority is to calm her, not to delve into her past. But over the years, from time to time, a detail slips out, and now the pieces have come together in my mind and I can talk about it.

She has been serially sexually abused and assaulted, by many perpetrators, throughout her life. It continues even now. The first time was long before I met her, and I suspect someone in her family or close to it is responsible. She has tried to explain what happened to her, to get help and validation, as best she knew how at a very young age, but repeatedly she was dismissed, accused, or ignored - even by her own mother.

Then we met, and fell in love, and it was beautiful. Sometimes. She is bright and funny and a natural performer. When she feels joy she takes everyone with her for the ride. She has a staggering variety of gifts and talents. I am in awe of what she is capable of. She can be sweet and compassionate, and a listener. But she can also be a terrible abuser in her own right. She can flip into rage in an instant and lash out at whoever is around her. She manipulates and uses people. I'm no exception. Regardless of what she really felt about me she put me down and disrespected me. She cheated.

I stood by her. She was getting help, taking medications and seeing a therapist, and I could see the real person underneath. I wanted to be there when she discovered the person she always wanted to be. But she pushed me away, and broke up with me again and again. So I tried something else. We became friends, until she got in a relationship with a monster. He was threatened by me, and he ordered her to cut of contact with me. She did.

So I moved away. Did not try to speak to her again. I deleted her pictures, got rid of her stuff, I tried to forget about her and move on. But I didn't. For two years I missed her terribly and felt miserable. Then, a few months ago, she tried to contact me. I ignored her. A couple more months passed and she sent me more messages. I couldn't help myself. We started talking and hanging out again. She is falling apart, and I am confused.

She is homeless now, and an emotional wreck. Her most recent ex abused her again, and he is stalking her. She is being shunned by most of her family and friends. She is not getting psychiatric help anymore. She is lighting things on fire, and breaking windshields in moving cars. She hates herself. And I don't know why she reached out to me. Sometimes she says that she misses me, but she also says that she isn't attracted to me. She touches me, a lot, but it's mostly platonic. I don't have money or a place to live myself, so I cannot shelter her, even if I want to. It should be clear now that I miss our relationship, and that if I am attracted to someone who is so sick I need help myself. I am seeing a therapist. But I don't need help like she does. I am not the one who is in physical danger right now.

Thank you for reading so much. I have a lot I need to share
 
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Hey @thelonely1
I read this and really felt for you. She's reaching out to you because she knows two things - that you have a good heart and that you love her.
and maybe she's too mixed up to know that she's pulling you into something she shouldn't be.
She does sound desperate but she needs to get professional help - is it possible for her to get that?
it sounds a bit like she's burned all those who were close to her so please be careful!!!
and I hope you are able to get professionals involved so you can step aside. You are not invulnerable to being hurt either, and in my experience people in such strong self destruct mode can cause a lot of pain to anyone close to them.
I hope this works out OK for all
 
But I don't understand that part -- she kicks out the windshields from inside the vehicle, when she's a passenger? How, exactly, does she do this? You didn't really explain how she "hurts other people," just made a passing comment about her breaking windshields. So it was really not clear to me.
 
In my opinion, if she is intentionally and violently lashing out at other people, there may be something much bigger than PTSD going on here. Is she on drugs? Honestly, I think you need to report her to the police next time she attacks someone. You may think that's a form of betrayal, but it actually might help her get her act together. I don't think you standing by her is going to help her; it sounds more like enabling. If she sees that she can act like a complete psychopath and still have people who are loyal and devoted to her, she will just keep acting that way, thinking there are no consequences. And she will quickly end up getting herself killed. For your sake, you should talk to a therapist about your codependency.
 
Hey @thelonely1
I read this and really felt for you. She's reaching out to you b...

I appreciate what you wrote. Thanks.

I want to encourage her to get professional help, but I also don't want to cut myself off from her. Other people have told her she needs help, but not in a caring way, but instead in a way that makes her feel crazy and defective. I do not want to sound like those people. And, I don't know what good services are available in MA. She needs a program that can house her, but isn't allowed to compel her to do things against her will. She needs to be in a place where she feels safe and in control of her body.

Also, I am aware she can hurt me. She already has, many time in many ways, but I might be the only person who knows what has happened to her, and who is still willing to care. Imagine if I reject her too? Protecting myself at her expense might become the biggest regret of the rest of my life.
 
Protecting myself at her expense might become the biggest regret of the rest of my life.
It's more likely to be the other way around. You may believe you are helping her by sticking around, but you are actually more likely preventing her from getting help. Are you familiar with codependency?

I was in a relationship like this for years, and rationalized things the same way that you are -- I was afraid to leave, thought it'd be abandonment and that if I left, the guy would have no one and end up dying. So I stayed. And he tried to kill me, tortured me, literally, and then ended up killing himself later.
 
In my opinion, if she is intentionally and violently lashing out at other people, there may be somethi...

No. Drugs are not a part of this

I have called cops. They bring her to the hospital, then they release her a few hours later after doing nothing.

I am seeing a therapist.

I wonder if you read the entire OP before you commented. She is lighting things on fire - other people can be hurt by this. Also, if she damages a car enough on the road, it puts everyone else in the car in serious danger.

And is it intentional? She goes into this horrible trance where everyone around her becomes someone who assaulted her. She has flashbacks. She repeats the same things over and over: "I'm not okay" "I'm going to hurt people" "I'm defective" "I'm guilty". She hardly remembers what happens during these episodes. She feels tremendous shame over her lack of control. Obviously she is very VERY ill
 
I wonder if you read the entire OP before you commented.
@thelonely1 I did read the entire post, very clearly. You seem to be getting a bit defensive with me for no reason. Let me break down for you why I am asking the questions I'm asking.

Yes, you did say she lights stuff on fire -- but you did not specify what she sets on fire, where, or if people are in the areas where she starts the fires. For all I know she could be starting fires alone in a forest, in a waste bin. Or she could be starting them in crowded areas, with highly flammable substances. Big difference.

You also mentioned that she "breaks windshields" in moving cars -- but you did not specify how exactly she does this (does she throw rocks from the top of overpasses? does she kick the windshields out from the inside when she's a passenger? This leaves a lot of questions ... you only clarified that she kicks the windshields out in response to my question, not in your original post).

So there's no need to imply I am not reading the post clearly -- you were simply very vague.

Why am I asking such questions in the first place? Because the details on how exactly she does these things would provide a better picture of whether or not what she's doing is intentional. You have now stated that you don't believe it's intentional -- that is good to know. That is all I was trying to determine by asking questions about aspects of your post that were very very vague.

If she gets violent when she is in some sort of trance, I am surprised she hasn't been sectioned. I still maintain my original advice, which is that you need to take a step back. You can still try to help her, but you shouldn't start trying to save her. That never ends well. Maybe see if you can find a local NGO that helps in such cases, or maybe some volunteer organization would be willing to intervene.
 
@thelonely1 I did read the entire post, very clearly. You seem to be getting a bit...

She's inside the car when she kicks out the windshield. She feels trapped and needs to escape - damn the consequences. She looses awareness of where she is and what can happen.

Other people may be around when she lights things on fire. She has attempted arson in her apartment building.

I have taken a step back. I don't live with her, not even near her. I see her once or twice a month. we have more frequent contact online. I am not trying to save her, I am trying to convince her to save herself, and to tell her that she isn't completely removed from the world, that people still care about her and she belongs.
 
I have no idea what country you're in but I'll reply based on where I live, USA.

You say that she would need to go to a place where she has freedoms-----however, places like this are actually privileges. Residents must maintain a certain type of decorum while living there, which shows they are safe enough to themselves and to others. This woman, your ex-------let's say she actually was lucky enough to get a spot in such a place. How long would she last? A day? Two days? Three days? A week?-------that is, before becoming violent and endangering her safety or the safety of others. At this point the people who run the facility could call the authorities and have her put in a locked ward, most likely for more than 72 hours based on that level of violence.

We don't get the luxury of being out of control and endangering the lives of others and then saying we need a certain type of care that lets us keep our freedoms. It just doesn't work like that here, and I'd be shocked if it worked like that anywhere.

You cannot save this woman. Until she agrees to get into treatment, there will be no way to help her. I understand that you care about her but you can't force her to heal.

I agree with others who say it's more than PTSD. That level of violence-----that's more than untrained people can handle and its best left to professionals. Maybe this sounds cold, but when someone really is that out of control, they really do need something like a locked ward hospital.
 
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