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As Usual - Not Sure Where To Post This - Healing Approaches

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VioletButterfly

MyPTSD Pro
So, when I get going, I get going. Then, I tend to overwhelm myself, shutdown and fade. So, I've got a lot on my big buffet right now and not sure how to deal with it, but going it alone isn't helping. I'm melting down to nurses, care managers, etc... regarding my mom. I'm so totally lost regarding my vampire FOO. That's a book. I have not job, money is going, no one is hiring me, I have no insurance........ Typical American dream, right?!

Well, at the same time, I thought of some positive approaches. One is with a church here that has a families anon, there are 12-step ACOA programs in the county north of me, there are yoga classes on my cable TV for rehab, there is a Christian yoga class at the same church, I can return to my church (scary right now), I also have other creative tools..... The thing is that I feel overwhelmed if I "fail" at one of them or feel helpless/unworthy of asking for help (mother's ALZ and my addiction), and then I give up the ghost and fall deeper into depression.

I can't seem to stop crying even though part of me is trying to offer up workable solutions. I don't understand this. I'm at odds with myself or something. I can see why I don't trust myself - I've been trained very well in this regard. I understand why I don't think I'm worthy - I've been trained very well again in this regard.

I just don't understand why I, as a known Child of God, won't trust the one entity in my life that I can trust. Why can't I trust Him (not the church) and walk in faith? I feel like such a failure. I know my hope lies in Him, not in a T who doesn't know what the heck she's doing or in myself who is so full of self-doubt, but it's just, well, so frustrating and flattening. I still seek light, but well, it flags, you know?!

Intellectually, I know that this is all part of complex PTSD, but how the heck do I make progress or even maintain with this and help myself? T's don't help - they hurt. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've read so many inspirational posts out here and seen others' progress, but I feel so vacant, substandard, damaged, etc.... at this point. I can't seem the end and I feel that I never will. Who wants to live like this? This little part of me does. She keeps fighting. It's damn frustrating. I just want to go to sleep, you know. It's just all too much. I won't seem to stop trying through because of my faith. Gosh, it's to frustrating. I want a clear path, a magic wand, the right teacher, etc... - know what I mean?! Some days I can manage this through, one segment at a time by distracting myself, but then the big picture swoops in and I'm flat as a pancake. Sorry so negative. I've been trying to be so positive for others today, but I've hit a hiccup. VB
 
So, when I get going, I get going. Then, I tend to overwhelm myself, shutdown and fade. So,...
Hang onto that little part that wants to be well. It sounds like you are finding creative options. I have lived below the poverty line for most of my life. I searched for therapists who worked specifically with my issues, and then called them one at a time until someone would give me a rate I could afford (1/4 of his rate) Having one person who held hope for me helped.
I also started being mindful. I found an option for low income people to join a mindfulness based stress reduction course to learn coping. hiccups happen. You are reaching out. You deserve support and wellness as much as anyone :)
 
@Hope69 - Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. I find it interesting that I spent a good deal of time offering suggestions and hope to others yesterday, and then broke down and wrote my own thread about the same issues. I believe someone wrote about the frustration of having the tools, but not being able to apply them. I think I'm in the mosh pit with that frustration. I agree with you about the little part of me that still wants to fight - she's kept me alive for over a decade now. I, truly, think it's the Holy Spirit inside of me that is just trying again and again to save my life until I can see the light that I need to see in order to move forward. Thank you, again. VB :)
 
I saw this a bit earlier @VioletButterfly ^^ I thought it was s beautiful way to say it. :notworthy:

I think I feel that if I can make the connection to why I'm triggered it makes a big difference. I don't have interest in why others did or do what they do, rather just reognize the why as to how it affects me. Now I am going to try to offset that as is possible, since I'm a bit more aware.

Self care is so difficult but so necessary.

I think it's always difficult to get through when there are so many worries, you are right in looking in to things you can do for yoursef. Because doing them then will help you when you are working again.

:hug: :hug:

Ps, I find anything designed for 'trauma' is mostly spot on, for tips.
 
Same with your FOO, you can only control you, not their behaviours. Leave them as best as possble for the Holy Spirit to help too, in the ways that will be best. :hug:

When you think about it, it's also who and what we're surrounded by, that has a terrible impact, without including our internal dialogue.
 
@Junebug - Thank you for your suggestions, hugs and support. I often think I gravitate toward offering support to those I see dealing with what I am also trying to master. I think I've nailed down what's triggering me right now and it's real-time stuff, although I did have a thought yesterday about my being in my present predicament because of the PTSD. Kind of a chicken and egg scenario I guess. I know a lot of it has to do with FOO stuff - especially what's going on with my mom, i.e. why didn't I just run off to Oregon and leave her to my sister's devices?! I decided to take this on though, so in for a penny in for a pound. Although, I have thought of stepping away and letting the broomrider take the reigns. I don't know what that would do to God's child though, but Liz's child would sure feel a sense of relief. It's a hard diagnosis to accept and to watch someone go through, even if its someone who harmed you. It's still so sad to see her have setbacks and decline. At the same time, I find her determination to recover from set-backs fascinating. We're very enmeshed so I have be to careful. IT would help to have a knowledgeable T to work through it with, but that will have to wait on a job with benefits. For now, as you've noted, I give it to God as much as possible.

So, l hear you on the FOO issue - I give it to God and I take it back a thousand times a day. My faith is shaky right now or rather I'm shaky. God's still strong, I just am having worth issues related to all that is going wrong. Like I'm being punished instead of challenged. I know it's just a mindset kind of thing, but my emotions, as usual, want to run in another direction with challenges and it leaves me in kind of a breathless heap. This is where the light and the Holy Spirit come into play. Without them, I don't think I'd be here.

I made a list of everything I could think of that I'd accomplished last month and found that I was being a lot more of a human doing instead of a human being. I agree that it would be a lot more helpful to do more self-care activities and to stay in the moment as I've suggested to others recently on the boards. I do have some good tools and saw a few good ones the other day out here, but it's putting them to use. I'm not sure what holds me back often times. It's not like they're going to hurt me. I guess it's just a PTSD circle I seem to run in. It's very frustrating. IT's like I'm running down the hallways of my mind with my hands over my ears going "la, la, la" trying to drown out the thoughts and emotions. Crazy making. One minute at a time. Like yesterday, I set out fall decorations even though I don't think I'll be here very long. It's still an effort to make my surroundings more homey. Thank you again and take good care. VB

@SheilaKathy - Thank you for your wise words and reminder that God is in control. Walking in complete faith is very difficult, but very liberating as I recall. VB
 
@Junebug - Thank you for the hugs. :hug: There really isn't a place near where I live where there aren't throngs of people, however, there is a spot behind a church down near where I'll be working as a temp that has a nice view of a lake. I thought about that yesterday, but it's been beastly hot down here, so it may have to wait. The best I can do is earbuds for now to drown out the noise. Even the library is very noisy. Strange, kids just think they can yell anywhere, anytime. Ugh! Maybe it's time to get in the car and go to the beach. It's just so far away from me and traveling alone kind of freaks me out. I wish I was one who could meditate and just block everything and every thought out for a while - kind of an internal vacation. I'm more of a roller coaster minded person though. Oh well, it works if you work it, so I guess it's time to work my faith the way I'd work a 12 step program. Practice makes progress. Hoping you have a peaceful day. VB
 
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