VioletButterfly
MyPTSD Pro
So, when I get going, I get going. Then, I tend to overwhelm myself, shutdown and fade. So, I've got a lot on my big buffet right now and not sure how to deal with it, but going it alone isn't helping. I'm melting down to nurses, care managers, etc... regarding my mom. I'm so totally lost regarding my vampire FOO. That's a book. I have not job, money is going, no one is hiring me, I have no insurance........ Typical American dream, right?!
Well, at the same time, I thought of some positive approaches. One is with a church here that has a families anon, there are 12-step ACOA programs in the county north of me, there are yoga classes on my cable TV for rehab, there is a Christian yoga class at the same church, I can return to my church (scary right now), I also have other creative tools..... The thing is that I feel overwhelmed if I "fail" at one of them or feel helpless/unworthy of asking for help (mother's ALZ and my addiction), and then I give up the ghost and fall deeper into depression.
I can't seem to stop crying even though part of me is trying to offer up workable solutions. I don't understand this. I'm at odds with myself or something. I can see why I don't trust myself - I've been trained very well in this regard. I understand why I don't think I'm worthy - I've been trained very well again in this regard.
I just don't understand why I, as a known Child of God, won't trust the one entity in my life that I can trust. Why can't I trust Him (not the church) and walk in faith? I feel like such a failure. I know my hope lies in Him, not in a T who doesn't know what the heck she's doing or in myself who is so full of self-doubt, but it's just, well, so frustrating and flattening. I still seek light, but well, it flags, you know?!
Intellectually, I know that this is all part of complex PTSD, but how the heck do I make progress or even maintain with this and help myself? T's don't help - they hurt. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've read so many inspirational posts out here and seen others' progress, but I feel so vacant, substandard, damaged, etc.... at this point. I can't seem the end and I feel that I never will. Who wants to live like this? This little part of me does. She keeps fighting. It's damn frustrating. I just want to go to sleep, you know. It's just all too much. I won't seem to stop trying through because of my faith. Gosh, it's to frustrating. I want a clear path, a magic wand, the right teacher, etc... - know what I mean?! Some days I can manage this through, one segment at a time by distracting myself, but then the big picture swoops in and I'm flat as a pancake. Sorry so negative. I've been trying to be so positive for others today, but I've hit a hiccup. VB
Well, at the same time, I thought of some positive approaches. One is with a church here that has a families anon, there are 12-step ACOA programs in the county north of me, there are yoga classes on my cable TV for rehab, there is a Christian yoga class at the same church, I can return to my church (scary right now), I also have other creative tools..... The thing is that I feel overwhelmed if I "fail" at one of them or feel helpless/unworthy of asking for help (mother's ALZ and my addiction), and then I give up the ghost and fall deeper into depression.
I can't seem to stop crying even though part of me is trying to offer up workable solutions. I don't understand this. I'm at odds with myself or something. I can see why I don't trust myself - I've been trained very well in this regard. I understand why I don't think I'm worthy - I've been trained very well again in this regard.
I just don't understand why I, as a known Child of God, won't trust the one entity in my life that I can trust. Why can't I trust Him (not the church) and walk in faith? I feel like such a failure. I know my hope lies in Him, not in a T who doesn't know what the heck she's doing or in myself who is so full of self-doubt, but it's just, well, so frustrating and flattening. I still seek light, but well, it flags, you know?!
Intellectually, I know that this is all part of complex PTSD, but how the heck do I make progress or even maintain with this and help myself? T's don't help - they hurt. I just don't know what to do at this point. I've read so many inspirational posts out here and seen others' progress, but I feel so vacant, substandard, damaged, etc.... at this point. I can't seem the end and I feel that I never will. Who wants to live like this? This little part of me does. She keeps fighting. It's damn frustrating. I just want to go to sleep, you know. It's just all too much. I won't seem to stop trying through because of my faith. Gosh, it's to frustrating. I want a clear path, a magic wand, the right teacher, etc... - know what I mean?! Some days I can manage this through, one segment at a time by distracting myself, but then the big picture swoops in and I'm flat as a pancake. Sorry so negative. I've been trying to be so positive for others today, but I've hit a hiccup. VB