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Nothing works

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whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Just writing this I feel guilty. No, that's not the right word. It's hard to put a finger on the feelings these days, because everything is all jumbled up and has been tossed in a corner of my mind somewhere that I don't really seem to have access to at the moment.

I lost my feeling of safety a long time ago. Physical safety, emotional safety. And things keep happening that compound that feeling. It's like I don't have any space where I can take a breath to even consider healing.

There's no real-time support. No friends. Everybody has vanished. No therapist. I've been trying to reconnect, but it's just not working. I have a mother, and we chat, but being with and around people is intensely painful for me. I manage - I work full-time and I do it well - but it's getting harder and harder. I'm crying every day and my fuse is short, almost non-existent. I'm dealing with chronic pain, as well, that I can't afford to treat. It's some better - my neurologist gave me the ok to go back on some meds I had a supply of here, and they seem to be helping - but the flare-ups make work impossible.

My weekends keep me indoors. I can't bear to go outside. I tried, a few times, and everything looks fake and plastic. I cried the whole time. There's no one to talk to about any of this anymore, so it all just stays stuffed inside until something triggers a crying episode, which makes the headaches worse, which...well, you know.

I have a deep lack of trust issue, have had since my psychiatrist terminated me unexpected me in 2014, then since I have been struggling with this therapist for the last several months. Thing is, we made a lot of progress - I reached a critical turning point, even, I think - and that is when things went deeply sour. I was never able to come back from that, because while it was a very important juncture in my development, it was a crisis of sorts as well. And I didn't know how to deal with it.

Still don't.

And this is a spiritual crisis of sorts, so I don't know how to navigate it.

Not suicidal, because I feel obligated to care for and be here for my cats. But I so wish I would just pass from this world.
 
Sounds like you've got some really solid leads in what you want to change. :)

- Enjoying people.
- Building physical & emotional safety into your life.
- Derealization on your downtime (nixing) ie. Being present during your time off & going outside on weekends.
- Emotional Monitoring & Regulation (increase the length of that short fuse)
- Better pain management
- Probably a few others as well

Confession : I've learned to looooooove my own "I'm tired" or "I hate" lists. Because I can have a really hard time connecting with what I need, what I want, & how to get there. But once my frustration, anger, sadness reaches the point of listing off everything wrong? I can take a deep breath, sit down, and reverse it. It's not a list of reasons to give up. It's a motherf*cking goals list that I can actually start actioning. :sneaky:
 
It's just not working, OR, it's just not working right now. There is a choice in thinking.

Thanks. That's true. I think I've just been struggling for so long that I'm reaching that point where I'm really tired of waiting for that point beyond "now."
 
Sounds like you've got some really solid leads in what you want to change. :)

- Enjoying people.
- Bui...

This is all true. I've known all this for, like, two years. I don't know how to get from where I am to where I need to be. I just don't know how.
 
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