barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
My therapist moved to a new building a couple of months ago. I really like the location, building, room, everything...except that it has a video entry phone system.
In her previous places, I just had to press a button to ring her room, we'd speak through the telecom and then she'd buzz me in through the front door. Now, she sees as well as hears me when I buzz her.
I find it very stressful and always have to spend a few minutes on the pavement psyching myself up to press the button to dial her room. I then feel incredibly awkward and self-conscious while it rings and when she answers and when I have to speak - I really don't know what to do with myself or where to look and I just basically want to crawl out of my skin.
She is then up several flights of stairs so I generally arrive at her room feeling flustered and anxious about the phone, and hardly able to breathe or speak after climbing all the stairs. So, I am reaching the conclusion that I think I am always starting my sessions with a pretty high level of discomfort and anxiety, which then just seems to snowball. I have written elsewhere here about my frustration about not being able to focus and pin down what I want to talk about and my tendency to follow T's topics or to go off on tangents and that then I feel like I've wasted loads of time. And I think that is a separate topic. But I'm also now wondering whether starting off sessions already feeling anxious, self-conscious and...exposed, really...from the phone is somehow exacerbating the other problem? I don't ever really calm down from the phone anxiety and then am unfocused and start babbling and...ugh!
My main challenges with the video phone are:
- I hate that she can see me but I can't see her
- I hate that I don't know exactly what she can see of me - I don't know whether I'm some massive close up on her screen or if she can only see the top of my head or what
- I feel vulnerable and exposed somehow but I also feel pathetic saying this because this is just about pressing a button to get in to her building!
- I feel uncomfortable that I clearly see her next client on her phone screen when he buzzes in towards the end of my session (I see his whole face, not just top of head!) and I feel incredibly awkward when I then see him on the stairs or in the waiting room because I know that he is her next client (but he presumably doesn't recognise me or know that I'm her client)
- this means that I also feel uncomfortable about the fact that the client she sees before me sees my image on the phone screen and would then be able to recognise me. And it's not that bothered (ok, I'm a little bothered, maybe) about being identified as my T's client or as a therapy client generally...it's more about the imbalance again...that I could pass someone on the stairs who recognises me as being my (our) T's next client but I have no idea who they are - they could be another practitioner who rents a room there. I don't know why this matters to me but there is definitely something around an imbalance and feeling exposed.
I feel really, really silly about how much this is bothering me and I don't really know why I am so bothered by it. Something feels...unequal somehow or that there is some kind of imbalance...which feels like I'm in a vulnerable, exposed position. But I know all I am doing is buzzing her room so that she can open the bloody door!
I actually mentioned it yesterday because I felt in such a flap about it at the start of the session. I basically just blurted out that I was sorry that I always acted like a weirdo on the entry phone but that I hate the video phone and I don't ever know what to do with myself so I was sorry that I must just always look very awkward. I said it very light heartedly and she was very smiley and casual about it and said she doesn't ever really look at anyone, she just gets up and buzzes the door and that she often just sees the tops of people's heads because they lean down to listen at the speaker. So, she was trying to reassure me that it was fine and I don't think she really realised how stressful I find it because I made light of it.
So...any thoughts on this...should I contact her before next session asking if there is a way around the entry phone? E.g. can I just text her mobile when I get there (I have her mobile number and texting her is fine with her - so it's just about whether she is ok with that being how I announce my arrival and get into the building)
Or do I just need to grow a pair and get over it?!
This is one of those times when I get stuck on knowing - when do I ask for someone to help me with something I need (i.e. can I just text when I get there instead of using the video phone) and when should I push through and make myself do something instead of just avoiding something because it feels stressful?!
If I keep using the entry phone (either because I just choose to keep doing that and don't mention it to her or because I ask if I can text on arrival instead and she says no and insists I use the entry phone) I can obviously do that. But then I think I need to find a way of calming the anxiety at the start of session. Or, of course, even better, get to a point where using the entry phone doesn't create any anxiety in the first place!
Oh my God...I can't believe I have just written so much about an entry phone!!!
In her previous places, I just had to press a button to ring her room, we'd speak through the telecom and then she'd buzz me in through the front door. Now, she sees as well as hears me when I buzz her.
I find it very stressful and always have to spend a few minutes on the pavement psyching myself up to press the button to dial her room. I then feel incredibly awkward and self-conscious while it rings and when she answers and when I have to speak - I really don't know what to do with myself or where to look and I just basically want to crawl out of my skin.
She is then up several flights of stairs so I generally arrive at her room feeling flustered and anxious about the phone, and hardly able to breathe or speak after climbing all the stairs. So, I am reaching the conclusion that I think I am always starting my sessions with a pretty high level of discomfort and anxiety, which then just seems to snowball. I have written elsewhere here about my frustration about not being able to focus and pin down what I want to talk about and my tendency to follow T's topics or to go off on tangents and that then I feel like I've wasted loads of time. And I think that is a separate topic. But I'm also now wondering whether starting off sessions already feeling anxious, self-conscious and...exposed, really...from the phone is somehow exacerbating the other problem? I don't ever really calm down from the phone anxiety and then am unfocused and start babbling and...ugh!
My main challenges with the video phone are:
- I hate that she can see me but I can't see her
- I hate that I don't know exactly what she can see of me - I don't know whether I'm some massive close up on her screen or if she can only see the top of my head or what
- I feel vulnerable and exposed somehow but I also feel pathetic saying this because this is just about pressing a button to get in to her building!
- I feel uncomfortable that I clearly see her next client on her phone screen when he buzzes in towards the end of my session (I see his whole face, not just top of head!) and I feel incredibly awkward when I then see him on the stairs or in the waiting room because I know that he is her next client (but he presumably doesn't recognise me or know that I'm her client)
- this means that I also feel uncomfortable about the fact that the client she sees before me sees my image on the phone screen and would then be able to recognise me. And it's not that bothered (ok, I'm a little bothered, maybe) about being identified as my T's client or as a therapy client generally...it's more about the imbalance again...that I could pass someone on the stairs who recognises me as being my (our) T's next client but I have no idea who they are - they could be another practitioner who rents a room there. I don't know why this matters to me but there is definitely something around an imbalance and feeling exposed.
I feel really, really silly about how much this is bothering me and I don't really know why I am so bothered by it. Something feels...unequal somehow or that there is some kind of imbalance...which feels like I'm in a vulnerable, exposed position. But I know all I am doing is buzzing her room so that she can open the bloody door!
I actually mentioned it yesterday because I felt in such a flap about it at the start of the session. I basically just blurted out that I was sorry that I always acted like a weirdo on the entry phone but that I hate the video phone and I don't ever know what to do with myself so I was sorry that I must just always look very awkward. I said it very light heartedly and she was very smiley and casual about it and said she doesn't ever really look at anyone, she just gets up and buzzes the door and that she often just sees the tops of people's heads because they lean down to listen at the speaker. So, she was trying to reassure me that it was fine and I don't think she really realised how stressful I find it because I made light of it.
So...any thoughts on this...should I contact her before next session asking if there is a way around the entry phone? E.g. can I just text her mobile when I get there (I have her mobile number and texting her is fine with her - so it's just about whether she is ok with that being how I announce my arrival and get into the building)
Or do I just need to grow a pair and get over it?!
This is one of those times when I get stuck on knowing - when do I ask for someone to help me with something I need (i.e. can I just text when I get there instead of using the video phone) and when should I push through and make myself do something instead of just avoiding something because it feels stressful?!
If I keep using the entry phone (either because I just choose to keep doing that and don't mention it to her or because I ask if I can text on arrival instead and she says no and insists I use the entry phone) I can obviously do that. But then I think I need to find a way of calming the anxiety at the start of session. Or, of course, even better, get to a point where using the entry phone doesn't create any anxiety in the first place!
Oh my God...I can't believe I have just written so much about an entry phone!!!