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Relationship Combat ptsd help i don't know how to handle this

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A fiancé

hi my fiancé has combat related PTSD, he has four days off work for bank holiday and tonight he drunk in the region of 20 cans of Stella usually a indicator he has had a night terror previous night. I don't drink at all. I am doing overtime at work so asked him via text at 2am to keep it down as he was still up on the Xbox and it woke me up. He started slagging me off to his friends online so I went downstairs and turned it off and tipped the last 2 beers down the sink. He went crazy flipped out and strangled me/ started pulling at my throat, I was screaming and crying begging for him to stop it went on for about 20 mins. He is asleep now, I can't sleep anymore . He hasn't snapped at me
Like that for ages, I feel
Like this is my fault, what am
I supposed to do was I wrong? I mean when he has to be up early for work I go to bed with him even get up and make coffee etc please help
 
Thanks for your advice,I know this sounds cliche and your all going to think I am dumb but it is so hard because that just wasn't him- I wouldn't describe my relationship as abusive at all I think that's why I was so hysterical it was such a shock reaction. It's difficult at times and obv put up with a lot because he's ex army/PTSD but never scared me like that. Now I have calmed down, I think I will talk to him when I get back from work he's sober, but ultimately your all right and I need to look out for myself first.
 
It is incredibly normal to treat abusive actions like normal actions.

For example, if instead of strangling you, you'd gotten into an argument where you both were insisting the other was wrong and you were right (a normal "marital discussion" ;)), but instead of doing what you two normally do and everything is fine/works out in whatever way you two usually settle conflicts... he'd packed a bag & gone to a hotel or a friend's house (OMG! Is what I did really so bad that he's leaving me over it? Was I wrong? Holy shit)... What would the convo with good friends be? "Am I in the wrong here?"

That's totally normal. Whether it's a work thing, a friendship thing, a lovers thing... When you do something and are expecting a certain response (boss backing you up, friend laughs at your joke, boyfriend apologizes, etc.)... But instead of what you were expecting you get the opposite or a x10 response? (Boss sacks you, friend bursts into tears, boyfriend breaks up with you, etc.) it's reeeeeeeeally natural, normal, rational, to be all OMG! What did I do? I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to, didn't realize :eek: ... All before even looking at what it was you did (was I in the wrong?).

But it doesn't work with abuse.

It doesn't matter how in the wrong you may have been IF he'd responded normally. Because he didn't respond normally.


And I'm not saying you were in the wrong at all. I'm saying that it doesn't matter what you did. Because what he did was unacceptable. Whether you were in the right and he did it, or you were in the wrong and he did it, he crossed a line that should never be crossed. It doesn't matter what you did, because of what he did.

If you need to reverse it? That can help. When is it okay/the right response to strangle someone? Easy answer. When you're fighting for you life. Okay. So. Did you try to kill him & he was just defending himself? Nope. Therefore? Not your fault. At all.

***

Very much agreed. Pack a bag. Got to a hotel or girlfriends. You don't need to be afraid, you don't need to be angry, and it's okay to be sad and not want to do it, or feel completely fine & it just seems silly, but you do need to leave. Even if you own the house, the house isn't going anywhere. Someone lays hands on you? You leave. Full stop.
 
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I wouldn't describe my relationship as abusive at all I think that's why I was so hysterical it was such a shock reaction.

Most people wouldn't.

And you may not have been in one before today, but you are in one, now.

If you've ever thought people in abusive relationships were clearly stupid? You've just learned otherwise. Most abuse/domestic violence victims aren't stupid. Very few are. Most abuse victims are completely normal, intelligent, caring people. Same token, probably the most common misconception about abuse is that abusers are assholes all the time. Very few are. Most abusers are completely normal, smart, funny, kind, etc... Most of the time. Not just in the beginning of the relationship, either.

((Although that's what one hears, for good reason; because abuse escalates. So it might "only" be a few times a year in the beginning, and 10 years later be every day... But even every day isn't usually 24 hours a day. Someone who is being violently and systematically abused can have a lovely morning with their spouse, a bad 5 minutes, and then a lovely afternoon and evening. Which may have seemed insane impossible, until your boyfriend just strangled you, and then you were worried about making him coffee in the morning & are planning to chat tonight after work, huh? ))

If you've never been in an abusive relationship before? It can be really really hard to reconcile what you thought that meant with the reality. The reality of abuse is almost never what people imagine it to be. The reality? Is super duper normal looking... Most of the time.
 
It's difficult at times and obv put up with a lot because he's ex army/PTSD but never scared me like that.

So is mine. He's been in the mental hospital twice. He has dissociated. He's had the swat team come get him out of his house. He lashes out verbally. He's been shitfaced fall down drunk around me. I've been with him for years.

If he ever touched a hair on my head in violence I'd be gone in a heartbeat.
 
hi my fiancé has combat related PTSD, he has four days off work for bank holiday and tonight he drunk in the region...
It is NOT your fault!! You aren't the reason he has PTSD. Yes you do need to take care of you! It's easy to get so involved with their actionsreactions we tend to forget that WE are important too. If you can talk to your guy when he's sober and not upset without upsetting him...well that's more then I can do. Someday I hope.

I recently (Feb 2017) married a man with Combat PTSD (we are in our early 70's) and it has been a nightmare at times and great other times. (the norm from what I've read) He hasn't been physically abusive and I hope never is of course, but he is VERY verbally abusive...and when he gets really upset about something turns to whisky. Talk about an explosive combination! The verbal abuse goes on for hours until he crashes and he takes no responsibility for anything. Blames it all on me. I've done tons of research since meeting him and have started going to a meeting of Veterans with PTSD wives. I wish I could say something to help you...but i'm still learning one day at a time. It doesn't take much to set him off, but I am learning when NOT to say anything and that is mostly from reading and all the research I've done online.

Good luck and take care...
 
but it is so hard because that just wasn't him- I
That may not have been 'him', but it was part of him. And I say that as a person who's normally pretty easy going, but who can get pretty irrational sometimes. I don't particularly like the 'looking for someone or something to take my frustrations out on' part of me, but it's there and it's quite real. It's also my responsibility to figure out how to keep it on a leash.

He may be an awesome guy otherwise, but this is a thing that can get you hurt or killed. If he's actually a nice guy, that's not what he wants either. It's his responsibility to deal with it. Other people can help, but he needs to own it and You need to stay safe.
 
I agree with all others! I am a sufferer and I have been pushed to laying a hand on my step mom once (pushed her out of my face, didn't hit her) but I did take responsiblity, appologized, and dove back into my DBT workbook to refresh up on emotional regulation. It was the day I lost my job and I did not realize I was that deregulated, took reaponsiblity right away, dove directly into help, and never have laid a hand on anyone since. Actually, I have been able to not fight back and just keep my mouth shut. She ends up fighting with herself and stopping.

What he did makes me very scared for you and I agree, pack a bag and leave where he cannot find you!
 
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