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Who do you go to for advice when you can't turn to family?

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@Friday I agree with what you are saying and it is a very valid point, the ideal mom is a unicorn and even in good homes people don't always learn the skills they need to survive. For most people though they have a reasonable expectation that they will be cared for to some extent during childhood and maybe even past that. Maybe I do look at other peoples mom experience jealous twinges as a result of my limited view of their family dynamics. Asking me to re frame that part of my thinking is awesome. I do appreciate that.

It is a heavy burden to know from a young age that you truly are alone in the world and can't depend on anyone, and you aren't equipped to care for your self. It's terrifying knowing that because you lack the knowledge to take care of yourself, but can't figure out how to obtain outside help, you have a shit storm of trial and error pain headed your way. Decision making becomes terrifying because you want to make good decisions but the best intentions always turn out to be wrong so you get pain + tall the "you made your bed, lie in it" or "can't fix stupid" comments. I left so many major decisions to fate because I couldn't decide because I would freeze due to fear of ridicule from others and the self loathing that follows.

The worst part is a good 65% of what I want to say about this, I see in visual images that don't translate well to words.

I know even with a good family you understand a lot of what I am saying. And at this point I need to do more reassessing. And digest because my brain is overheating and starting to smoke from over analyzing.
 
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I know even with a good family you understand a lot of what I am saying. And at this point I need to do more reassessing. And digest because my brain is overheating to smoke from over analyzing

Very much so :( I come from a good family, but married into a bad one. Half raised 2 kids who had known nothing but abuse & neglect (kinship care), and am still raising 1 who had a mostly normal foundation and then was plunged into severe & violent abuse and neglect.

Do I understand everything they -or anyone- else has gone through with childhood abuse & neglect? Hell no. Not even the half of it.

((It's a big part of why I stay out of the Childhood forum, except on accident. In part because my kid is still living the trauma everyone else in there has already survived, and come out the other side; and in part because I don't have childhood trauma. But as this was in Discussion? Less focusing on the childhood aspect and more on the other parts of the equation? I can't speak to being an abused kid, because I didn't live that. I can speak to every other point, because I DID live that. And I can speak to parsing "What's Normal v What's Abuse", because I am living that. Both 1st hand -having to parse out my own shit that abuse & trauma has f*cked up- and 2nd hand, having to help my son now & the kids I half raised in the past. It's one of the many things abuse f*cks up; the ability to tell what's normal life & what's not. In part because it often gets so tangled. Like needing to seek outside opinions because you can't get advice from your parents on the matter? Totally normal. Most people do that. For a lot of reasons. The reason being that your parents were abusive &/or neglectful assholes? Not normal at all. The idea that everyone else didn't/doesn't have to seek outside advice? Also not normal. One of the isolating mindf*cks abuse causes, thinking/feeling alone in needing XYZ or wrong for seeking XYZ out, when almost everyone needs XYZ, and moreover has to seek it out, and has no qualms about it.))

So, as you said, I understand some.

Some lived. Some loved. Some learned. Will never be the sum total. But hopefully some, at least, is useful.
 
One thing that has always made me feel insecure is that I have never really had anyone I could turn to...
I also feel like that. I am actually seeking professional help again. Now that kids are grown and I've lost my security blankets I'm thinking maybe it's me turning people away that are trying to give me the advice I think I'm searching for. Idk.. trying to get healthy for myself is totally exhausting! I hope you have found someone by now ♡
 
I think we are supposed to learn to mother ourselves.
As soon as I wrote that I thought, yeah just like you mother yourself when you start hitting yourself in the head.

Nite-Nite
 
@Fadeaway
Some things we'll never have. It's a hard truth but there it is.
It's taken me almost 60 years to realize it and I don't know if I'll ever be able to totally accept it.
I don't know your situation. If you are a mother then there are things that will be shelved. It can't be helped.
If not, take some time to care for yourself. Brush your hair until it shines. Give your feet a good soak. Vinegar & Epsom salts can be found at the dollar store. Massage them with a little Vaseline another dollar store find. Dont forget the rest of you. Especially your elbows and knees.
If you have the energy keep your bedding clean and make your bed so it's inviting when you go to bed.
I'm smiling to myself because while I know by experience how true all this advice is, right now I'm not doing any of it.
It helps me to try and help you.

I think I'll put clean sheets on my bed when I get home.
 
I don't have anybody anymore.
I feel much the same.
There are good days, bad days, searing loneliness, and sometimes a compassionate hand.
Hasn't been the best of days here so I need to get out of myself, put one foot in front of the other.
Been doing the right things a lot lately, caring for or about others lately, but then reality and loneliness can set in when not expected or wanted.
Glad you people are here.
It's nice to know there are good people out there and we share a lot of similar feelings and fates.
Hugs :hug: to anybody who wants one.
 
I LOVE this! It is so hard for me to do, though. Too many steps, and I'm a slob and can't do corners e...

Using a fitted sheet bottom & a duvet (essentially a giant pillowcase for your comforter) instead of a fitted or bottom sheet + top sheet + blankets? Only one step*. Grab the bottom of it and flick it / loft it. Voila. Done. No corners. Nothing coming untucked or tangled. No layers to keep lined up.

Once a week just strip off the fitted sheet, duvet, & pillowcases and throw them in the wash. That's the only really f*cking around with them you'll do.

* Or possibly 2. My husband and I had radically different temp requirements in bed. He wanted the window open with snow blowing in, in winter; while I freeze piled under blankets in the middle of summer. So we actually had 2 duvets. His ultra cool wicking blanket in his duvet, and my super warm one in mine. Meant needing to loft each in the morning, and then just grabbed our own to our sides of the bed at night. ((<laughing> we also had a sheet of plywood under his side of the mattress, between it and the box spring, because he liked a nice firm bed; meanwhile my T&A prefer not being squished flat (ouch), and tweaking my spine into a pretzel (double ouch), so I had a pillow top under the fitted sheet on my side. You know, it funny... we had a lousy marriage, but both of us slept really, really well!))


ETA... Yikes! :facepalm: My apologies for the thread-tangent, @ Fadez! I caught the last 2 posts & thought we were in a different thread. :bag:
 
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