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How to not excuse the abuse

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Ewade

Combat vet supporters...ya'll know exactly what I'm talking about. In any other of my relationships, there's no way I would tolerate any form of verbal bashing. Trust me, I fully understand intellectually that PTSD is NOT an excuse for bad behavior. Yet I strongly believe through research, this forum, and my own experiences, that in some cases PTSD is directly responsible for some type of emotional deregulation whereby things are said, oftentimes in the heat of the moment, that aren't necessarily meant. Hell, even people without PTSD say things they don't mean during a fight. Now throw this very confusing condition in the mix and you've got yourself a perfect storm. That said, words still can and do very much hurt. How can I reconcile letting him know I do not excuse this destructive behavior with understanding it sometimes just comes along with the territory?
 
I have no bloody idea! Everything I am doing isn't working. Other than leaving the room or house.

I'm going to follow this thread for sure.
 
If it doesn't make me laugh, or nonplus me, I go toe to toe. Each and every single time.

It's not about them. It's how I stay right with myself. Cross my boundaries? You'll know it.
 
I found a piece to the puzzle. My sufferer has been an ass for a few days. I told him I was sorry he was feeling so bad. He tells me he has been on only a half dose of his medicine for about 4 days.

Sometimes he doubles up when we have an event to go to. Where there will be a crowd of people.

A heads up would be nice!
 
Who the f*ck knows.

Half of me: He has PTSD, combat f*cked him up, it's an obvious pattern of lashing out when stressed...

Other half of me: And when he tells me he'll break my neck and bury me in the backyard because I'm such a shitty wife? Do I ever say shit like that back to him? No? Even when I'm mad or tired or I'm the one that's stressed? Nope.
 
I just told my vet this morning that the physical threats and intimidation HAVE to stop. I no longer care why they are occurring and I no longer care what steps he has to take to stop it but it HAS to stop because while I love him, if he wants to control his partner through fear and intimidation that is not the relationship for me.
 
Who the f*ck knows.

Half of me: He has PTSD, combat f*cked him up, it's an obvious pattern of lashing out when stresse...
I'm so sorry you go through that. It takes incredible strength to deal with behaviour like that.
 
Can we please reactivate this thread: This question is key! Heck, it's the heart of every sufferer's whole goshdarn conundrum!

My SO and I have this wonderful cycle of him getting triggered by something I say, going off in all sorts of confusing, destructive, hurtful (never insulting, thank god,) directions, and if I dare to defend myself he breaks off the conversation. If I then dare to say one more word, he blames me for not letting him calm down, which, you can be sure of it, is the ONLY thing he is willing to discuss in the aftermath: me not letting him calm down. If I try to break off the conversation BEFORE it gets to that point, I'm patronizing. I can't win.

Everyone and their mother says to just walk away, leave the room, hang up the phone. That's just the hardest thing to do when someone just assassinated your character, more or less gaslighted you into thinking our thoughts and feelings are wrong, and/or calls your entire relationship into question because you said something with the wrong tone of voice...what are you supposed to do, tell them I love you, talk a little later? Support them in a loving and kind way while they rip you to shreds? What are we, the Dalai Lama? I'm ranting at this point...sorry.
 
Why would you walk away?

Because your partner is mentally ill. Because not one damn thing you say will do anything but exacerbate the situation.

Do you need to be right? Or do you need to handle the situation before it escalates?

There is a time and a place for having serious conversations. For setting boundaries. For "come to Jesus" talks. During a meltdown isn't the time.
 
I don't need to be right but at some point HE needs to handle the situation. I am not responsible for his abuse of me.

I wish I knew the time and the place for the serious conversation. Given that any attempt to raise any issue at all is either dismissed out of hand or provokes a meltdown.
 
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