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ED Ptsd & eating disorder

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I posted the last message last night as a guest (Rainbow child) as I was on my phone and could not remember my log on details from before as it has been a pretty long time since I was on the site, but I have logged in today on my computer which still remembered my log on so am just adding this reply so you al know I am the same person.
Helen
 
Recently I've hit a point in my therapy, moving towards accepting the fact that if I had grown up in a healthy home I would not have developed anorexia. The SA and the ED go hand in hand for me. My ED protected me and kept me feeling safe when nothing else was. Processing trauma for me also engages well established survival responses. I have learned that desire to slip, lose weight, etc. is biochemical and as I learn and practice new skills in my daily life the pull becomes less when I'm working through an incident. It can be so freaking hard!!! I'm very lucky to have a T who trust me and my ability to heal and manage my "slips" when they come up. Ts trust gives me power and faith in myself. On some days it provides the motivation I need to keep on keeping on. It isn't easy...not by a long shot but I think it can be done.
 
Recently I've hit a point in my therapy, moving towards accepting the fact that if I had grown up in...

This. This is something I can relate to. My childhood abuse is directly correlated to my eating disorder. I've been "mostly" recovered the last 3 years, but I have relapsed a few times. When I start to feel really stressed or anxious on a daily basis, I tend to start falling back into bad habits. I was also diagnosed 3 years ago, so I think my recovery progress is greatly due to therapy and a lot of self realization. Learning more about PTSD helped me understand my ED and recognizing the connections between the 2 helped me manage my self control when it came to NOT binging and restricting (former bulimic with anorexic tendencies). My T also seems to have confidence in me despite the slip ups, which is very encouraging for me as well. As time goes on, it gets easier, even though it is still damn hard.
 
This. This is something I can relate to. My childhood abuse is directly correlated to my eating disor...
This I can totaly reate to too and agree that it is just so so hard. Your realism about it still being so so hard, even though it does get easier really does help me too, as at times it still does just fee like it is too much, and to be able to connect to other people too who are going through struggles which are so similar, yet somehow finding the strength to be able to keep facing it, really does help me so thank you.
Helen
 
Does eating disorder come from ptsd.... i been good but recently i eat so much it feels like my...

I wouldn't say the eating disorder comes from the PTSD but that both are consequences of the trauma I suffered and ways I used to cope with the emotions and experiences I went through, and I think this is generally pretty common.

For me, as again is very common, one of the ways I used to cope was to try and blame myself for the things which were happening to me, and if I was not going to let them matter I had to not let anything matter and would not allow myself food or anything else which I should have deserved. It was also complicated for me by the fact that one of my main abuses was also the person who provided food for us as a household in a situation where we were otherwise neglected and did not have things provided for us. Working through these issues I know is a big part of my journey, but those parts where those processes were so much a protection from allowing myself to feel the pain of the injustice which was happening, still do find it very hard, and understandablly it is not something which can just simply be let go of and worked through quickly.

Though my response is very much depriving and punishing myself and not letting myelf have anything, I know there are also parts of me where I am screaming out and feel like I have such a massive massive emptiness and need, but because as a child I did actually go to someone at one point about the abuse and though he should have been someone who would have protected me, he was actually even worse and treated me in a very bad way, and this also fuels and adds to the part of me where I do not feel safe enough to allow those small child needs and emotions to come up at all, and I still am very very scared of all the emotions and the things which I feel when I do allow those child parts to come up more.

I do have other friends though who also experienced a traumatic chidhood and suffer from PTSD, and one in particular also feels this massive emptiness and need, and with her eating she has gone the other way to me and, like it sounds as if you do, she eats and eats and eats, constantly trying to fill this need and emptiness inside her, but it is just never never satisfied and she has found it very hard and at times gone through phases of spending lots and lots to to try and satisfy it too. I have been really trying to encouage her to allow herself to feel the things which she is feeing and craving and give the child part in her the time and space and energy which she needs, and instead of trying to feed and feed something which is never going to fufill the needs which that child part so legitimately has, to give herself time and comfort and actually allow that child to cry and grieve and feel comforted, as this is really what she was craving so much, and is much more likely to gradually satisfy and ease that massive scream and emptiness which she has inside.

She is gradually able to do that more, and there are many practical ways she can do this, and she has allowed herself to buy a soft doll which she can cuddle and has been colouring again as she used to find she enjoyed doing safely as a child, and just remembering and giving time and listening to that child part when those cravings do come up has really been helping her, though it is obviously a long journey and a lot of may different things to work through with it to begin to change the natural way in which she learnt quite sensibly to respond to her situation.

I do not know if this all makes sense to you at all or if it helps you, but do hope it has been able to help give you a bit of insight too, and I am sending hugs to that empty part within you if she can feel safe enough to accept it.
Helen
 
This I can totaly reate to too and agree that it is just so so hard. Your realism about it still being s...

:hug:

There have been plenty of times since I started my recovery that I felt it was just too hard to keep going. But I keep going and overtime, I still notice how much easier it has gotten, and any time I feel like I'm slipping I am sure to tell someone, even if it is only my T.

I am sorry I am not very active, but this is always a good way to vent. Thank you as well for responding
 
I sufferered from ED for so many years. In fact I think I am just coming out of it. I started a binge/starve cycle at 12 or 13, was heavily body dysmorphic. Desperately wanted to be fully anorexic at that stage. I got pretty underweight, to my delight, and fell pregnant (to a sociopathic narcissist) he encouraged me to become a heavy pot user, and I spent the next 16 either pregnant and binge eating, or breastfeeding and starving myself. I got psychotically ill from the resulting malnourishment (severe B12 deficiency can start to dissolve your brain a bit) but, I was also smoking lots of weed, being badly abused, using other hallucinogens and being chronically sleep deprived as well. I finally decided to stop the self-starving after my last kid was born, but have had trouble with binge eating on and off, due to bad triggers up until recently. I'm currently a bit overweight, but have had good exercise habits (between severe unwellness) so I've got muscles and nice curves still. I don't love being this big, I use it to have an excuse to be disgusted with myself and keep shame habits happening. But at least I've stopped the starve and/or binge cycles. It's taken a looooooog time just to get to here. I'm waiting to get a little more well to take up a healthier exercise regime again and get to my happy medium weight, as I don't want to be rakishly thin or overweight at all, but I'm no longer wanting to obsess, deprive, compulsively binge or hate myself for any or all of the above reasons. I just want to live healthily and like myself. Recently the body dysmorphia seems to be lifting too.
 
Any other men with EDs on here?

Yes I developed an ED as a means of control and because being obese is a fear I have after being chubby as a kid and being abused for it. I also blame my satanic mother who points out my weight loss/gain every time we see each other, and my ex wife who has a lifelong ED and helped me fall into mine. I seldom blame others for my problems but f*ck it, these two bitches earned it.

I starve myself then gorge every few days on pizza or some shit food. I haven’t started purging yet simply because it’s impossible to make myself vomit. Believe me I’ve tried. I abuse laxatives horribly though.

Eating mostly seems like a chore fraught with anxiety and self-loathing. It’s easier to starve. Although right now I’m so hungry I want to cry. But I have some old clothes I need to fit so starve I must. This is my justification.
 
I am really struggling with my disordered eating. Food was my family as a child. It was a way to stay alive in an seeingly interminable situation. I really am working as hard as I can, but sometimes that makes it worse. I try to hard, and then I overwhelm me.
 
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