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Post-rape, i've struggled, and people think i'm dumb at school/work

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Kaira Senka

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I'll try to be as concise as possible. At the beginning of my second year at the top graduate program in the USA for my field, I was raped by my ex-boyfriend, who was an older student in a different program there. He had stalked me for a month after we broke up - he was emotionally abusive and rejected any notion of accepting that I mattered to him, so I left him. He had climbed over my balcony to break into my apartment more than once. Campus hotlines didn't help, and the rape happened (twice) before any of the available resources could reach me. I wound up in front of the Title IX office, trying to get a no-contact order (internal to the campus, no police involved). During that time, he retaliated through Title IX by accusing me of relationship violence, and the process dragged on for a couple months. He didn't have a case against me, but Title IX was satisfied with placing no-contact orders on both of us and leaving it at that.

I was completely dissociated and did not even realize I had been raped. No one ever suggested that I should go to police. I spiraled downwards into seriously suicidal thoughts and ended up in a three-day psychiatric hold at the hospital. I was diagnosed with major depression and PTSD. Afterwards, I started to realize what had happened.

For the next few months, I did therapy that helped me process what had happened and regulate my feelings. I would have flashbacks and anxiety, often not sleeping until very late.

However, during this time, I felt my capacity to think about my work had diminished significantly. I was trying to get a PhD and impress my research adviser, but I had tremendous difficulty focusing. I ended up avoiding some of my classes because they were near my ex-boyfriend's office. My performance slipped everywhere. By the time my PhD qualifying exam came around, I felt like I was studying and studying but not remembering anything. Obviously, I failed my exam, which was completely oral. I was extremely nervous and froze up, forgetting many things and incorrectly stumbling through answers I had known in the past. The professors were visibly surprised by my terrible performance. My adviser yelled at me over something trivial in a lab meeting a few weeks later.

I've already decided not to continue on with the PhD since it's probably better for me to leave that place and get a job (and the adviser was not a nice guy, even to people doing well), but I hate this feeling of everyone looking at me like I'm the dumbest person ever. I used to ace everything and perform extremely well to get to this top-notch university, and I stopped being able to even answer basic, easy questions.

I just wonder if this makes sense to anyone on this forum. I don't want to use what's happened to me as an excuse for under-performing, but sometimes I wonder if it's normal for this type of trauma to set people back this much.
 
Kaira I most definitely don't see you as dumb and I understand that you were raped by an ex-boyfriend and also each person's mind handles trauma differently and mine dissociated during multiple traumas. And you may heal and return back to college, I was not able to. You may find that after intensive one-on-one therapy (if you so choose) that you want to return and resume college studies then you go for it. And if not I hope and pray you will be kind to yourself and understand that what happened to you was not your fault and my trauma took its toll on my brain and mind. I wish you all of the best! Below is but a small part of my story, and I hope this helps you on your journey of recovery re ptsd:

After being sexually assaulted thus dissociated for most of my life, it's been extremely difficult to even think about and consider pursuing and completing college studies thus career goals for I became vegetable-like, near-catatonic, having flashbacks, triggers, and being unable to cope with anything other than basic primal needs ie. food, clothing, and shelter. Even sitting in college classes I was dissociating and feeling numb, frozen, and unable to cope with external stimuli. And was being triggered all over the place by everything and everyone. Still occurring yet not sexually, more today about cognitive distortions about who I am in relationship to others now and visa versa.

And I've finally (I think) stopped kicking myself in the butt for not having finished college (got up to junior year with very poor grades (75 accred. hrs.) and my body/mind just quit, decided not to deal and checked out, and I wound up on the huge university I was attending's psychiatric ward for 3 1/2 weeks in a complete mind/body meltdown plus on copious amounts of mind-altering drugs for years because back then pstd was not yet understood as fully as is now - thus was diagnosed incorrectly. I worked in/out of grueling very demanding entry level secretarial/clerical jobs before, during, and after college attempts times 3? or 4? and quit/left all jobs before I thought I was to be fired (but truthfully now and hindsight clearer - bosses wanted to promote me and/or give me raises and I was running away from each and every job longevity/opportunity because of my inability to focus on job tasks and complete same, etc. due to extensive trauma.

Looking back I don't know how I was able to work in such hard, demanding jobs - for I could answer a switchboard back then and take in average of 1000 calls per day. I was good at this. Also was able to type 110 w.p.m. I had skills, also had self-taught shorthand (still use to this day) and I look back and realize that financially barely making it yet holding my head above the waters until I crashed in 1989-90 (college then psych. ward). I hope this helps as I never ever "used" what happened to me as an excuse not to further my college studies thus career. For I tried and tried over and over again to return to mainstream society per se and simply could not hack it. Self-blame and self-guilt haunted me for a while until I realized that just remaining here and being present is huge from what I endured being extreme sexual, physical, and mental torture and abuse. Now intellectually I know that I am a walking miracle that I am still here and this does not make me feel better, it is just a fact of the matter. That's all.

Back then having to self-admit into the college's psychiatric ward well, this was definitely my "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" similar experience and present day I do well to meet my basic primary needs and not beat myself up because I didn't finish college. And I have a huge confession to make for I was put on full federal disability after I became so ill on college campus (after a guy came through college campus parking lot where I was and he then masturbated in front of me while he was in his truck in front of my car - moving while masturbating! OMG!) I had a psychotic break pretty much after that incident (prosecuted his a**) and then immediately thereafter started being triggered by sexual horrors and cruel perverted sick things from my past that were just lying dormant in my mind waiting to surface).

I'm also realizing that I am a walking/talking miracle the sheer fact that I'm still here (and didn't succeed in S/I attempt after attempt back then (last attempt 2003), after the fallout from having been horrifically and sadistically and brutally and savagely abused in almost every inhumane way possible by pervs/perps. I hope this helps.
 
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You are not alone....I was much further along in life and past my college years, but i lost a job I loved, friends, a different country that I lived in, who I am/was.
It does not mean though that your intelligence is diminished....you may have times of fog, trouble concentrating, think differently, but not less intelligent. take care of you, in time navigate your way through what is next in school/career....but most important is step back and care for you.
 
I'm so sorry this happened to you, Kaira. I am so sorry that people who could have helped you didn't. I am sorry you have had to walk away from your PhD. That has to be so frustrating.

I can so relate. I experienced the same thing with my husband. He raped me twice while we were married. I was sedated on Klonopin both times. It took a long time for it to sink in what he did to me. I think my brain wouldn't let me understand as a form of protection, especially because I was still married to him.

As for the poor performance, I can relate to that, too. Between CPTSD and probable brain trauma, I have struggled my whole life with performance. I used to think I was stupid. My brain will often just shut down and I struggle to understand simple things if I'm stressed or anxious. I am a very hard worker, and well liked at work, but I forget really basic things or just draw a blank on something simple even if it's something I've done hundreds of times. I struggle with building on concepts. I'll start out understanding something very well and then suddenly reach a level of complexity where, no matter how much I study it, my brain just turns to mush. I'm just simply not going to get it. And, it's not because I'm not smart enough, and it's not from a lack of trying.

Know you are strong. You are smart. This isn't about you. It's about what was done to you.
 
Thanks for the responses everyone. And I'm sorry it took me a while to respond.

@JadesJewel - I really feel for what happened to you. I'm starting to see that recognition for still standing on your two feet after all that is really important (you seem very tough, and you should feel good about yourself, by the way). Most people on the outside won't ever see how much you or I had to fight to pick ourselves back up and function. I find that hard sometimes.

@Linda313 - I hope you are doing better now. I can relate to the delayed reaction/understanding of what happened. I didn't realize my ex had raped me until I got hospitalized, and I was working optimally and successfully until I reached that point where I crashed. I think rest and nutrition are important to performance too... I was too fidgety to sleep at night for that entire year, and to some extent, I still am.

There is also an additional layer to all this. I'm currently on an internship, but before I left school, I started dating someone else (a very close friend who I confided in a lot about my terrible situation). I felt very certain about him because he had liked me for months. He even suggested cities I should focus on for job applications so that we could be together in the future, met my family, told his parents about me, etc. He was the ideal boyfriend and I was extremely happy. Then, two weeks into my internship (which is on the other side of the country but temporary, nonetheless), he sent me an email about how he's uncertain about the future, basically dumping me because he got cold feet. He refused to explain further or offer any significant closure on the situation and disappeared from my life after that, and I was left to lick my wounds in a new place where I was totally isolated from any friends or family. To be honest, I felt violated all over again, since it took a lot for me to trust anyone after all the horrible stuff that had already happened. You'd think that most decent friends wouldn't use you like a dishrag and throw you away after understanding you've been through enough already, but apparently not...
 
I was not in college but was embarking on a military career... military sexual traumas were way under reported and there was little in the way of support for the late 70's.

Hard thing, but negotiable, in the grander scheme of things with diligence... though I get why you likely won't see it that way.
 
After my ptsd the severe anxiety had my speech in a whirlwind. I feel dyslexic at times. I don't like talking anymore because the words just get jumbled up, and I seem dumb. Before I spoke intelligently everyone would always tell me how smart I am. Now I feel like a 2nd grader trying to form sentences when I speak. I was going for registered nursing before the ptsd. After, I dropped out because I realized I would not be good in that field anymore. I found a new passion through working, thankfully. You're not alone. I hope things get better for you. *hugs*
 
I'm so very sorry about what happened to you!

I totally understand. I gave up what could have been an amazing career. I checked out completely, disassociated, repressed several assaults, then became severely depressed, even suicidal.

By the time I finally got help, it was years after the traumas. It was all exacerbated by the fact I was also with an NPD for an extended period of time. Probably most rapists have an NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) I was diagnosed with ptsd, stockholm syndrome, selective mutism, & bdd. It's a lot to process.

I was mocked, yelled at, even threatened by people who used to be my friends. It's been just awful.

You're most definitely not alone.

You write articulately & expressed your feelings quite eloquently, You're definitely smart & well educated.

Personally, I think it's part of ptsd to be self-deprecating to a certain degree.

Take it easy on yourself & take care of yourself!
 
I just wanted to share that I am struggling in many similar ways with my education. I started nursing school just a few years after the rape and depression caused me to be ejected after one year because my grade dropped below 78% in one class. I had to take a year off but I went back. I finished.

Years later I started school again to finish my BSN. I almost blew it again. Symptoms made it damn difficult to read and concentrate. I was overwhelmed. I had to ask for accommodations and I received them. It sucked but I needed them.

Now I am attempting grad school and I am struggling already. I'm in the first semester. My professors are questioning my stability and wonder if I should take another year off.
I don't want to so I keep plugging away. If I do poorly at the end of this semester, I will take the rest of the school year off and try again next fall. My symptoms have become really bad over the past six months and I feel like every assignment is an impossible task.

I'm relating all this because I understand how demoralizing it feels to have trouble academically. It is not something the outside world understands. It causes you to doubt yourself. It causes you to reflect the perceptions of others. Don't go there. You can do it. Even if it's not in the time frame that you hoped it would be, you can do it.
 
You're definitely not alone. I won't repeat what other people say, but I felt for you when I read your thread. It reminds me of how I felt right after university. Except from what I gather, you have completed your degree, I suppose with BA, but then failed the Phd? I would say, even those that have or haven't finished university or high school, whatever position you're in, you will get more chances to redo things if you really want to. But it seems to me that you are in a good place, you do have some degree and it's more the worry of people's opinion that is weighing on you?

I understand that too, just wanted to say from the standpoint of having graduated 7 years ago...most of the people whose opinion I worried about, I never saw again. I was so worried about the image I portrayed that I almost made myself sick for like a year after uni, and then some. It made my self-image so low that I screwed up a lot of jobs until I started regaining my self-worth. But the thing is, I never saw these people after graduation. And if I see them in the future, there would have been many years in between, and I doubt that last year will be the only thing they remember about me. I expect more that they'll remember very little and be open to fresh impressions of who I am currently. So no matter what they actually thought, what made me feel sick about myself is what I thought about what they thought of me, if that makes sense. And it seemed so black and white then- I did this- therefore they think this. But I've since discovered that sometimes I judge people a lot, and their actual opinion is much kinder than I expect.

As far as what happened to me, after my rape the summer before my last year, I was a mess. There was a lot around how it happened that brought up stuff in me that I didn't think I'll ever have to deal with again, from when I was a child. I tried to "keep my eyes on the prize". It was my final year and so many people had faith in me...But I was dissociating, having flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks and closing myself. I drank and smoked cigarettes, to cope, and just made things worse. My grades were slipping. I studied for long hours for tests and got low grades(I am usually A grade student), I would try to write papers and stare at the screen and try to write for hours, constantly feeling sick and in panic. I always felt like I'm a horrible person and that people can see it on my face...I didn't give myself a moment to relax, my anxiety about deadlines made me physically sick ...and so on and on. And there were papers I turned in late or not at all and bad grades and so many excuses, because for a year and a half saying the word rape was out of the question. At the end I did graduate somehow with okay-ish grades, but I felt sick about what some teachers may think of me, those that saw me constantly have bad tests and papers that last semester, when I was putting every effort I could- more than I ever thought I could do- and failing anyway...I broke down in an email once and told part of the truth to one professor, a woman. I don't know what I expected but she wrote me a really kind email, gave me second chance to rewrite a paper and asked me to go for coffee with her if I felt like talking. Sadly I wasn't ready at the time, and after that email I was too embarrassed to actually talk to her. But I see now that a lot of what I felt at the time was distorted because of my mental state. Trauma can take time to heal, and even though it seemed like I put a lot of effort to just be failing- which made me feel stupid and inadequate- I realize now that it was just that my emotions and state made it hard to concentrate and study like I used to.

Your health is a priority. Work on getting your mental health on a better level and the rest will come. And may be one day you'll even impress those people. May be you'll redo your Phd, or do something exceptional with the degree you have. May be you'll never see those people. May be you'll just have good consistent job. May be-a lot of things. But for not your priority should be getting your mind to a better state. Whatever others think, you're doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself(I know, easier to say...).
Sorry this is so long- this has opened up something in me. I spend a loooong time feeling guilty and embarrassed(from people I literally haven't seen in 7-8 years since), so much so that at some point it was making me feel sick with myself and I had to push it down and not think about who I used to be(smart student, on top of my class). I thought I lost that person forever, tainted and broke that person not because of what happened to me, but because of that year right after...and I realize only now, finally looking back, that this is SO far from the truth. Wow. As they say, learn from me, don't wait for years to pass :D. There is so much I've been doing wrong because of the way I think about myself, that negative, skewed self-view, and now explaining all this, just for a second, it was like the world came to a proper perspective for a moment and I'm realizing that I did the best at the time, with the limited knowledge about what I was experiencing at the time. I did the best I could. That doesn't make me a bad person, or stupid, or incapable. It makes me human. And I still have a chance to see what I want and go for it. That's all we can do, right?

@JadesJewel I feel for you. My story isn't the same, but I know those feelings so much. But we are where we are, we did what we did. It doesn't matter how much you fail, keep trying. One day you'll succeed, in whatever you want to go for. Or may be I'm feeling inspired today :)
BTW, I have a BA degree, and had years of working below minimal wage, transcribing online and writing articles for minimal payment that wasn't enough to live on even with working 50-60h/w...and I thought I wasn't even good enough to do that. Self-worth can mean more than a diploma sometimes.
 
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