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Steps to go no contact for good

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Beemo3780

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Recent events have made me furious with my family even more so then I have been in the past, and I can't keep doing this back and forth with them where I feel like crap for days on end for even talking to them. I've made the decision to go fully no contact instead of the limited relationship I've had.

My father has never seen my house or come to visit me, and we've been here a few years. (No one in my family has actually.) I only live 2 states away and he takes cruises and vacations several times a year, so money is not the issue. My daughter kept bugging me about when my father was going to come visit, and I have been telling her that I didn't know. So, I broke down and asked him directly a couple of days ago. He of course got mad and said I was trying to start crap with him, when all I said was "your granddaughter wanted to know when you were going to see our house". We've had several friends just buy houses, and all their families came cross country right after the closing to see their kids' houses. And one of my friend's parents drives to Virginia from Texas routinely to help out with repairs. So I didn't think I was being unreasonable.

Well, I got nothing but silence for hours, and then a close friend of mine called to tell me that another friend of ours died. I was pretty upset, and I still am. It was one of those preventable deaths, and I hadn't even known how bad the situation was that my friend had been in. I moved away years ago, only kept in touch every once in a while. I was on the phone, and my father kept texting me about how he was going to visit on November 11th, that was the only day. I told him that my friend died and I'd have to talk to him later, and I'd have to check the calendar. My dad's response was, "ok".

Yesterday, my father never once said anything to me about my friend, but now he's not coming to visit at all because I told him I didn't know if the 11th would work. I'm in college and we have a lot going on the next 2 months. So now he's angry with me, which is so dumb because usually people do some planning if they are going to travel, not just pick a date and then throw a fit. I had hoped that when I said something to him, it would at least open up a dialogue about visiting, and we could plan a date from there.

But then it just kept getting worse. My dad likes to post really awful stuff on social media, mainly Facebook. I'm not on Facebook, but my husband is and for some reason my dad likes to follow my best friend (I think only because she has a famous brother). Aside from the belligerent hateful stuff, he also posts horrible things about women. (He doesn't think they should work, and likes to comment on their appearance.) And this most recent post hit too close to home. He posted a picture of a half naked large breasted woman with the caption, "These are the type of women Italy has" and then a picture of a group of geeky type girls reading books with the caption, "And these are the type America is stuck with. See the problem?" I am a geeky type girl. I wear glasses, I love tech and science and geek culture. I have a Star Wars collection that fills 2 rooms of my house. He's made comments to me in the past about me not being attractive and being a dork, so I know this could be considered a dig at me. He has two daughters, and 3 granddaughters.

But anyway, I can't keep getting so upset about all his actions every month, so I'm taking the steps to just not include him or any of my family in my life anymore. It's not healthy for my daughter, considering I grew up always feeling like shit about myself because of them.

Question is, do you tell them you aren't going to have anything to do with them anymore? Or do you just do it and let them figure it out?
 
I’m still working on this one. Some have naturally gone no contact with me. I have one who doesn’t leave me alone and will say she is coming rather than ask. She has never done any of her work and I have so she is highly triggering. I’m hoping that I can go no contact soon as ignoring her or telling her no doesn’t work. I think the key is, if you are doing your work to get healing happening and they are not then no contact is the best and you owe no explanation to anyone. Unless in my case where someone bigger than me may have to tell her.
 
Recent events have made me furious with my family even more so then I have been in the past, and I ca...
I feel awful you have and are having to go through this. I can see why you would feel conflicted about how to proceed with no contact. I wonder if just doing it might be better only because certain people want to get involved in a power struggle over the fact that they are treating others poorly. Their behavior is inexcusable, though they find some way to justify it. It's nearly impossible to rationalize or reason with them so talking to them about disconnection may not be helpful and may only create more opportunities for them to be abusive. I can appreciate your having decided to distance yourself. It's sometimes harder with family due to loyalties we feel we should maintain though when it's toxic and you are able to see the greater effect it's having on you and your children, it's time to re-evaluate. You're very brave.

Uniquesunflower
 
I've made the decision to go fully no contact instead of the limited relationship I've had.

I think it depends on what you need to do for yourself in order to feel safe and secure so I would say do what feels comfortable and easy for you because you are the one that needs this no contact for your own sanity.

I just cut off contact with my dad and it was so hard. But I eventually healed over this and my kids were safe and protected from him for so many years. I found out a few years ago that he had died and I just felt relieved that he would not be able to hurt children anymore.

So it pretty much depends on what sort of an outcome you need and want and I would do what was based on these things. I wish you well in this decision. It sounds like the sane choice to make for you.
 
I posted a huge long update in the trauma diaries, but that was just to vent because I was fuming. I really just do not like my father. He doesn't have any likable qualities, and for years I've been trying to figure out if he could be on the spectrum because of the things he says. I have two cousins that are autistic, one is 6 but is a little sweetheart and tries so hard, and the other is 26 and has been kept sheltered from the real world for so long that he struggles a lot. But neither act the way my father does. My husband says my father is just an asshole.

My father spews jealousy, anger and hatred over everything. He hates entire groups of people, he hates women, he hates that I have managed to do far better in my life than he ever has. Which amazes me, because his parents were rich. My father had sport cars when he was 16. My grandparents spoiled him and paid for everything until they died. But the thing that kills me the most is that he refuses to acknowledge that I'm capable of doing anything. He loves to call me stupid in front of groups of people. And then when I get upset and call him out on it, he starts this whole bullshit about how I'm such a horrible daughter and he loves me so much. That man has no clue what love is. My step mother got into a car accident and couldn't walk for 6 months, he kept bitching about how she couldn't cook or clean, and how he actually had to take the time to drive her to her doctor's appointments. My step mother is a freaking saint, the woman cares for elderly people on her own time and cares for everyone's kids as if they were her own. My daughter loves her.

It's hard when you have kids. I don't want my father's poisonous words infecting my daughter, I've fought hard to protect her from all that. And now I'm about 10 weeks pregnant with a baby that my husband and I were told back in March I was incapable of having. I'm not really sure this baby will ever get to know that side of the family. My daughter misses them, mostly her cousins and my step mother, but she grew up with them, and she can use Facetime to chat if she wants to. This baby won't know them like that. I honestly have been struggling with even telling my family that I'm pregnant. When I was having the fertility issues and had been seeing a specialist for 3 years, they knew and my father's response was, "I don't know why you want to have anymore kids, your sister already has 3." My husband doesn't have kids of his own. And it had always been part of our plan when we got married. Get married, buy a nice house, have a baby or two.

Then there's my biggest worry about what happens when my father dies. Currently, he has 2 mortgages out on the house that he gave to my sister to live in. He's racked up so much debt that I'm terrified that I'm going to be stuck paying at some point. He buys expensive guitars, some that are signed by famous musicians, he has to buy all the new technology that comes out, and he takes vacations frequently. He pays for everything for my sister, recently updating her house for central air in one of the coldest cities with the shortest summers. When my mother died, who had the same spending habits but on designer clothing while she lived in Manhattan, my father directed all the bill collectors to me. He got her the most expensive funeral and burial plot that he could not afford, and then the cemetery was calling me to collect or they were going to dig up my mom. My sister doesn't own any property, her car is under my father's name, I will be screwed.

I want to just walk away so badly, but it's really hard, and also I feel like it's going to come and bite me in the ass later on anyway.
 
I am so sorry. I do not think it is legal for the funeral home to be coming after you for payment of debt. Is it possible to block them on your phone? Of course I do not know what the laws are in your state either. I would find out just to protect yourself. I totally understand you going no contact with your father.
 
That was years ago. I just ended up paying it. It was really upsetting to think of my mother being dug up and moved, and my father is such an ass he probably would've let it happen. But the other debts he has scare me.
 
I actually haven't spoken to him in a week. The last time we did speak was via text of course because when I do call him, he'll just hand the phone to someone else. He had wanted me to give my step sister money to help with her divorce and wanted my husband, who is a licensed attorney in the state we live, to give her free legal advice. I blew up at him for good reason. He has never given me a dime since I was 16. I was out on my own and had to figure out the financial stuff on my own. He supports my sister, and the rest of my family spoils their kids rotten with private schools, fancy cars, etc, but I was thrown out into the world at an early age. Also, don't involve my husband who could be disbarred for even talking to her. And my father has such hatred of lawyers, he never talks to my husband. (My husband is the type of lawyer who actually helps people too and has a box of thank you letters.)

My step sister is a train wreck. My step mother spoils her because she lost her other daughter, and my step sister has never had to find a job, or an apartment of her own, etc etc. I don't know why I would give any of my hard earned and carefully budgeted money to her. My father told me that she "doesn't have a pot to piss in". So what? She's also 40 years old. I'm 37, and have my shit together.

So far though, my ignoring my father doesn't seem to be sending him any hints yet, considering he routinely goes through my instagram accounts to "like" every single thing I post. I seriously think I could post something really awful and he would just click that button. I'm obviously not about to test my theory though.

I'm not on Facebook, but my father repeatedly posts negative things about me that other people see. He's created this world on there, because he's got quite a number of friends because he's also a musician, where only my sister exists. He'll passive aggressively post things making fun of all the things I enjoy, or different things that are going on in my life. He's like a teenage boy who never grew up. For example, I posted something on Instagram about this sushi place we took my out of town friends visiting us to. The same night, my father posted on Facebook something about how liberals can go live in Japan if they wanted sushi, it's un-American, or something to that effect. Which is silly if you know anything about sushi's history. It's not just coincidence because he does it a lot. I posted on Instagram about Columbus Day (not defending it), he turned around and posted on Facebook about how people are trying to take his Italian heritage away. I'm his daughter, it's just very dumb that he acts like this.

I'm sorry though, this is long winded and more info than I probably should've shared. But I'm pregnant now, and I really need to make some serious decisions because I'm not exposing this crap to my new baby. My daughter already asks what's up and she's in her late teens. This should be my chance to break free and leave them behind. Family or not, I shouldn't have to drag this with me for the rest of my life. I'm just so sick of feeling guilty when I walk away.
 
I never knew that there were “steps” to take when a person went no contact. I just did it after I took enough shit and could take no more. I now have the attitude, “it’s ME or THEM”. I always choose ME!!!!
 
This is such a difficult situation to be in, and it's totally understandable to feel torn. I've been very close to cutting off contact with my mother, but in the end we made amends. Meanwhile, my partner is completely estranged from his abusive mother because she is absolutely awful. I've seen these things go both ways, and I think it all comes down to their desire and effort to CHANGE. You have done your side of things. You have NO obligation to him, because I believe that blood relatives are not ours by choice, but family is chosen. Like it or not, love and respect are earned. I've watched my friends go through this painful process, and I always remind them that they owe their parents nothing. We choose to love and support each other when it is fair and healthy. But it sounds like in this case it probably isn't.

I will introduce to you the metaphor of the football field. This has been a favourite with my friend, who is in the process of choosing whether or not to cut off contact with her father, who has been increasingly volatile and demanding.
The field represents your efforts to fix things and reconnect. You are probably near the middle line. You've likely been there for a while, waiting for him to meet you. Crossing that line is out of the question, because it will mean compromising your morals and your integrity. If he would only meet you at the middle by trying to listen to your concerns about his behaviour, maybe you could mend your relationship a bit. But he is more likely yelling from the goal post. Or taking 10 steps forward and then 15 steps back. He's running in circles...he's throwing things. Eventually you will get tired of standing at that middle line, and one day you might leave the field entirely. That's okay! Some people are toxic, and unfortunately, sometimes they're also our parents.
 
Yep, I agree completely. And I've decided that I'm not dealing with him. Maybe down the road, but I'm pregnant right now and I can't have the stress affecting me this much. Plus, I did talk to him, via text of course because he refuses to talk on the phone with me... It went no where. He refuses to listen to me, doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and doesn't really want any kind of normal relationship with me. He's ok with only sending me a text once every 6 months, or having my step mother add his name to cards and gifts she sends, and that's really not ok.

I was really upset because my husband and I are struggling right now just a little bit. The pregnancy timing is a little wonky, not ideal, but we are working through it, stressed though. I had just explained to my father what we were going through, and he screamed at me, and then took my sister on a shopping spree buying her a $6000 vintage guitar. So, that's the relationship we have, and I can't do it anymore. He's going to go broke because of my sister, and the day will come where he needs help, and she's not going to do anything. And I refuse to.
 
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