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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Hi Lovely Angelkeeper :-) excuse my lack lustreness. I am exhausted and I think I caught my guys fluey thing. Head swimming and bedridden.
Lovely words and sentiments I did awake too.
Warm feeling inside :-)

To answer your question NIA stands for Non Impact Aerobics, but it is so much more that that. It incorporates nine movement arts, I'm not sure I remember all of them but they include tai chi, tai Kwan do, yoga, feldencrais (can't spell it), qui gong, jazz dance, and some other "movement arts". It is choreographed but also has some "free dance" , there are lots of different routines that get changed after a block of learning one. It is very holistic, the music is great (my teacher is amazing and her choise of music suits me very well), it is cardio, but involves floor work as well. Mainly it is dance and gets a good sweat happening :-) so I.love it very much.:-)
 
So I thought I might write to help my brain. It is under assault at present. Must be a virus, or else I am sympathetically experiencing symptoms similar to my guys and it's just more somatic PTSD symptoms, severe physical symptoms, primary affecting my brain.

I do suffer a lot of brain stuff in general. I am relieved to know it's "just" PTSD and not some brain worm eating my cerebral grey matter from the inside (I hope).

It is hurting, foggy, exhausted. My spirit is strong but my body/brain/nervous system is so worn down.

I have now made up my mind to withdraw from the literary theory unit I have undertaken. I have a lot of the course material so if I withdraw now, at the start, I can just re-enrol next semester and it will be a plus that I attempted now. I can get a head start, and therefore set it up with even less stress, rather than getting behind now, and setting myself up for more stress.

I am learning to think wisely to minimize my day-to-day stress. I am one of those people who has always had waaaaay too much to cope with and way too little support to help me. Unfortunately my brain was hardwired that in but still gets damaged from it.

That's the problem with coming from a very dysfunctional family and non-existent community. I am changing this dynamic though. I am working smart to create a sense of community and emotional and physical support for myself. This web engagement (this site specifically) is part of that change. So sorely needed! So long overdue!
 
Sorry to hear you're feeling unwell. Sending a healing hug ((((( ))))

It's testement to your recovery that even in an unwell state you're able to prioritises and make self caring decisions.

Can relate the the ' brain worm'. Been saying all week that I'm living in the amygdala and no pre frontal action in sight!! It's exhausting...
don't know if similar or something else....either way I hope that you get the rest and recovery needed.

It's so encouraging to witness you remain conscious and changing deeply embedded patterns. HATS OFF!!

Support.
 
Sorry to hear you're feeling unwell. Sending a healing hug ((((( ))))

It's testement to your recove...

Thank you @NatBird :) i am feeling a lot better already :).

Did some colouring in. My child and young teen parts are satisfied.

I thought about getting back to documenting early stuff, but lots is hazy, missing and/or I'm having a lot of resistance to getting into it.


As for the self-care, it doesn't seem to be a choice. I want to be functional and save my children from a worse future than they would otherwise have, if I am not a help to them.

I am very frightened of leaving them to fall through the cracks, be very ill and make bad choices, like I have done. And because their father is who he is, it is a very real possibility that they could be very messed up and either get into very abusive relationships, be incarcerated or end up as mentally ill as I have been, or one of my children already is.

I love them too much not to try my very hardest to be effective, empowered and well, for them, as much as myself.

As for the brain worm, lol, it's probably the same. Probably classic ptsd brain. It's a bummer. I work, like yourself, on rewiring; study, arts, bodywork, processing, communicating, sometimes energy work, aromatherapy, good nutrition, rest when needed, crying when needed, TRE, movement arts, relating, all that is needed, constantly.

I need to get back to being in a space, more often, where I feel safe to walk and walk and walk, or dance and dance and dance, or sing and sing and sing, as I have done in the past.

Also practise yoga and meditation more regularly.

I think I will join a flash mob, for a gala performance arts extravaganza that I am already singing in, in my community (not where I live, but where I go to uni and do just about all of my community engagement).

I am grateful for the sense of community here.:-) It is something I am working to wire into my brain. I have community, I am part of a network of real people that I connected to, they don't want to hurt me, belittle me, use me all up or destroy me. :-) This is very good :-).
 
So adrenals were hammered today. 1st took a brave stroll down to the other side of town to meet up with one of my adult children. The meet fell through and partner and I agreed to meet up and walk back together. Bare in mind I find this town mega triggery for various reasons too complex and long winded to go into now, another day. Anyway, he is extremely irritable, a PTSD sufferer giving up smoking. Greeeaaaat, and me rabbit-in-the-headlight triggered in this town of my near-demise and the harrowing drug-culture of all my abusers capital. It wasn't fun.

We got through it though.

And then neighbor from hell has a dude dumping her stinking mud all over the front of our place, killing our passion fruit seedlings and being an absolute douche. He is just a hopeful, trying to get lucky with her (eeewweh) who lives in his van.
But he was very rude and out of line and wouldn't stop until my giving-up-smoking PTSD sufferer guy nearly popped him in the jaw (I walked out and prevented the physical altercation) A dude, who doesn't live here, hasn't been paid or anything, the neighbor-from-hell wasn't even home (I will explain why she is dubbed this another time) dumping stinky mud that she had already piled up on the edge of our front, on our place, right in front of our place, in our yard. He comes over every so often, obviously trying hard to impress her and it's very obvious what he's trying for. He threatened my guy to "take it down the street" and even picked up the crow bar he had at one stage when all my guy wanted was for him to get out of our place and stop dumping stinky mud - that is the neighbors mud, on our place.

The damn cheek and arrogance of some people. We have an absolute nuff of all that neighbors antics AND her wanna-be hopefuls, her killer dogs, her screaming abuse, her trying to appropriate ALL the common area for her own and HER children's use alone, her lying and trying to involving others to back up her lies (including police and court but she didn't persue court because her lies weren't being bought) and her stealing things and dumping her shit on our place and so on and so forth.

We will be finally perusing our own protection her from the legal system as we are done with all her crapola. I feel much stronger for going out and enforcing our physical-place-space boundaries. And we will go from strength to strength from here.
 
Against all odds I made it out the door to get to yoga class and withdraw from uni for the moment.
I am sitting in a cafe. I am going to have chilli charred eggplant with tahini dressing and tabouli.
After this I will walk the 4 km to uni. I hope this rainy weather doesn't get too heavy. It is very humid, overcast and only spitting on and off at the moment.

I feel so invigorated from facing the neighbor stuff yesterday. I realized anger, well directed, when aimed at establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, is actually beneficial. My guy and I feel empowered. We support each other. We are safe, backing up each other, having each other's back :). In the past we have both been easy targets on account of our warmth, compassion, empathy and sensitivity, coupled with a history of abuse starting very early in life and the self esteem issues that go hand-in-hand.

Avoidance is becoming not-an-option, except where boundaries are already established.

Sometimes facing things is the only way to make them go away.

My guy is still very ill but I am much better. His sickness is aiding his giving-up-smoking cause though :-).
 
So I got out of my uni unit and getting ready to hit the mat and do some iengar Yoga :-) . I feel it is only fair on myself to put off study until my clinical psychologist trauma-specialised therapy starts, early in the new year. I told my guy about more of the sexual abuse that I've suffered as a young child and toddler, possibly even baby, last nigh,t and of course he was angry and upset for me. Wanted to 'find the bastard' who molested me as a tiny child. I said there's is no way I can ask my Mum as I just can't trust her to be honest about what happened, especially as she is culpable. I"ve never had her take responsibility for any abuse or neglect that I've suffered at her hands, only blaming, shaming, denying and counter attacking, so, no, I'll never fully be able to 'prove' or hold anyone accountable for the abuse and subsequent life-long condition that we all suffer, here. I'm going super easy on myself to get through the next month or so, after having this stuff surface and all the other crap that's come after it, as my life has been an uphill and very painful struggle and I am soooooo tired of it all!
 
Wow wow wow! You're doing amazing work. I'm in admiration of the self care: managing the uni situation, the neighbours, yoga etc.
Yes I agree avoidance is only an option if one wants to wilt!! I'm all heart smiles that you have a friend you can share this road with. I think that's important and glad the situation is uplifting and supportive.

Thanks for sharing about your dub poetry and roots music experience. Will write back soon about it. For now sending an appreciative hug if welcome.
 
Also
sad and sorry to hear about the abuse you experienced so young. I'm not implying it's okay at anytime, it's not. Just know from
my own experience the stuff that happens pre verbal can be v challenging to process. Once again glad you have support: T and your male friend. I don't know you but with all you've been through and all you do, well you're quite a force!
 
I feel so invigorated from facing the neighbor stuff yesterday. I realized anger, well directed, when aimed at establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, is actually beneficial. My guy and I feel empowered. We support each other. We are safe, backing up each other, having each other's back :). In the past we have both been easy targets on account of our warmth, compassion, empathy and sensitivity, coupled with a history of abuse starting very early in life and the self esteem issues that go hand-in-hand.

YES, YES, AND YESSSS!!!!!! Such a BEAUTIFUL thing to be reading! You are making progress by leaps and bounds! I think it is ESPECIALLY AMAZING that you have your guy, who FULLY understands, and validates what has happened to you, and has such a HUGE protective stance "over" you!!!

Wow wow wow! You're doing amazing work. I'm in admiration of the self care: managing the uni situation, the neighbours, yoga etc.
Yes I agree avoidance is only an option if one wants to wilt!! I'm all heart smiles that you have a friend you can share this road with. I think that's important and glad the situation is uplifting and supportive.

SO WELL SAID, @NatBird!!!
@mumstheword, "Heart smiles" is EXACTLY the feeling I get when reading about the VICTORIOUS path that you are on!!! I KNOW that beyond a shadow of a doubt that this progress will continue, and that blessings will rain/reign down upon you, your guy, AND your children! I believe that they will be "witnesses" to the changes that have occurred, and that will be occurring in the future!

Keep up the good work!:hug::hug::hug: :tup::tup::tup: :hug::hug::hug:
 
Wow wow wow! You're doing amazing work. I'm in admiration of the self care:
managing the uni situation,...

Yes :) the "cyber" "in spirit" hug is always welcome from you, dear brrd :).

Thank you, re the acknowledgement about my self-care and recovery milestones. Hard won yet soooooo good to have in place!

Prioritizing self care was a really tough thing to do and I'm not sure I could have without the incentive of having the children and being so deeply invested in trying to "break the cycle" for their sake. It seems, when one is trained to have no self worth or an absolutely negligible amount, doing things for oneself is not deemed seemly. But wanting wellness is worth it for its own sake, I am starting to try to grasp and fully feel that concept. I, and you and all of us, have INTRINSIC VALUE. Sorry for shouting it, but I think it's a liberating and Self-loving concept. I want to shout it from rooftops.

Yesterday was a big day. A very emotional but healing and relating say. I started out the day by going, for the first time, to a women's health group thing, at the local (in my next town but go-to community) Women's Resource Centre. It was supposed to be an information dissemination event about reproductive health, which was relevant as I didn't even have a check up after my last miscarriage and haven't sorted out anything to prevent another.
Anyway that particular theme ended up not happening and the person who was supposed to run the event didn't show but I got to meet the ladies up there and I had just read your response to me regarding the early abuse and I was pretty overcome and teary about what's surfacing around that.I shared a little of that issue and it turns out they can help!

The outcome was that I've just embarked on a new "early sexual abuse therapy" journey ( I see her next Wednesday), with a woman who works from there. She sounds great, I get to see her for at least 4 sessions which takes me up to the time I'm due to start with the clinical psychologist. I might get more time with her or just have to wait a bit, if there is someone else on the waiting list she doesn't know about yet, as she gets referrals through a Sydney agency. But she knows about the hospital I'm trying to get into, she knows the psychiatrists who work there, she can help me get my referral sorted, for there, she is trained in disordered eating support, which is certainly one of my long-term symptoms, she sounds amazing!

I am very excited to be starting to recieve such appropriate T!
I also went to lunch with my already-been seeing-for-a-while-now Trauma counsellor. She took me and another client to lunch to meet each other and an opportunity for me to offer some peer support. Another cry-fest. Me and the other woman ended up crying in the cafe together and she must of got something out of it because she wants to meet up again next week.

I was feeling pretty drained and exhausted when I got home and had just made my man some late lunch and sat down to do some drawing when we heard a horrible dog drama going on next door.

Our neighbor-from-hell's 3 out of the four killer-dogs were in the other side neighbors front yard trying to kill one of their cats. The neighbors (our friends who we support a lot and look after one of their dogs) weren't home.

I raced out after my guy and luckily he had scared them off. We didn't know what the animal was, that they had been attacking at that stage. The neighbors got home and were distraught (as we were) to discover that is was one of their cats.

Bare in mind this the the second cat of their's that the neighbor-from-hell's dogs has attacked. The last one had to be put down. As well, we have had our cat attacked also (neighbor from hell knew but didn't bother to tell us, it had happened, another neighbor told us. Luckily our cat was not too badly hurt) the dog we care for has also been attacked, he is a little Jack Russell, my partner has been attacked viciously by the dogs, massive legs scars now, and has been assaulted by the neighbor as well. But that was in the past.

We raced the cat to the vet, hoping she wasn't so injured that she'd have to be put down. We borrowed our neighbors car and I went with my guy so I could pay, as they couldn't access their money quick enough for the vet fee.

So it turns out, the wounds weren't too bad. She's gonna make it. I made a report to the council straight away when it happened.

The neighbor-from-hell, as usual, was utterly irresponsible in responding. When confronted by the neighbors made evasive excuses, played the victim and slurred my guy. Which was discounted by our close neighbors as my guy has been a HUGE support to them for years. Apparently she is going to pay the vet bill this time though (this is after probably close to two thousand dollars in vet bills due to her animals has already been spent by us and the other neighbors). We will see.

Apparently she is going to muzzle her animals too. I doubt it. It looks like we are finally really going to have to go hard on getting her pulled up, maybe even campaign for the dogs to be removed, possibly put down and possibly see her evicted. There are lots of little children living in this complex, so this dog situation is very concerning and quite frightening and stressful. She appears to be seriously sociopathic and narcissistic. Definitely a disordered personality.

This woman has been really impacting on my ability to recover while living here. The other side neighbors are incredibly grateful to us though. They really love that we are here, that we care about them, their children and their pets. They think we are a "Soul Mates" couple. The grandmother/mother, who lives with her daughter, son and two grandbaby twin toddlers, says we've restored her faith in humanity, and she is a PTSD/fibromyalgia suffering recluse. Like me, she doesn't go into this village at all (I do under extreme duress or for my children, who I would do just about anything for, bar undermine my own health too much, which is a fine line and a struggle to maintain).

I must go over there now, and get the money I lent them, back. I am sooo happy their kitty is going to be ok! I was going to totally lose my shit if she had to be put down. I was soooooooo drained and emotional utterly exhausted last night, and haven't been doing much at all today. My guy is pretty much better, Although he lost heaps of weight and he was already a very slender, but
muscled, very tall man. And he is officially tobacco free!!!! Yay! :-) Yay! :-) Yay! :-) Yay! :-)
 
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