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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

I just heard the grandma singing. She used to be a singer. She actually used to sing with a lady I used to sing with and ran a child care centre with her. I have hardly ever heard her sing while we've been here. I don't sing here very much either and I used to do many many hours of practice for years and years.

Our- neighbor-from-hell recently started singing. She is hard to listen too. I know she likes my singing because she heard me and couldn't help a very impressed response. Not long after that she started singing. It's an improvement in her screaming abuse to her children and ex and us and other neighbors, though.

But for me, it has been inhibiting, because I don't want any attention from her, or for her to try to compete with me, in some sort of egoic "singing competition". We live very close together so we hear a lot from each other's place. I also don't feel like gracing her with my sounds or to share the intimacy of listening to me freestyling or doing practice. She reminds me a lot, of my abusive, histrionic, narcassistic mother.
 
YES, YES, AND YESSSS!!!!!! Such a BEAUTIFUL thing to be reading! You are making progress by lea...

Thank you Dear One :) @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ .
I do feel excited about how things are moving along. It helps knowing that I am going to be receiving (and have already been receiving) the right kind of treatment. A far cry from where I have come. I am starting to feel excited about what is possible, with these supports. Starting to.be "met" where I am, instead of having to be such a trooper and push on through, broken but still having to fight my way to survival and caring for my darlings. The mental.health care system is very broken.up here and many, many medical practitioners in this area do not understand the effects of trauma and abuse and what they do to a person and will inadvertently add to that body of trauma and abuse via traumatizing, ineffective and or not-treatment, especially if one is not wanting to be drugged. So I have had a very hard time accessing supports that suit my condition, but recently, especially armed with empowering knowledge from here, I am experiencing a breakthrough around that. So Yay! Yay yay yay!
 
I feel like I have been doing a lot of whinging today. Upset about the neighbor. I saw a woman who looked like her in a cafe today and it set me off. I am upset I have to take a hard stance with this. This is not my comfort zone. It has been a really tough 4 years living beside her and although we are getting stronger, after more damage from this on- going situation, is is not getting easier. I don't want to put down the boundaries, but I can't afford not to. She is very frightening and, I believe,a potentially dangerous person. I feel like my entire life has been plagued by narcissists, I guess, in fact, is has.

The feelings I have around this are;

Grief
Fear
Hopelessness
Trapped
Demoralized
Dirty
Contaminated
mean
Resentful
Angry
Indignant
Disbelieving
Long-suffering
Enduring
Cornered
Untrusting
Paranoid
Avoiding
Guilty
Shameful
Disregarded
Disempowered
Exhausted
Ground down
Stolen-from
Tormented

That is a big list of bad feelings.

I feel it in my back, a pain around my shoulders and lower down, my head, tightness and construction that feels like my head is being squeezed.
So so tired. Sick in my tummy too.
I have put on so much armour/fat too.

I had a good day with my friends today though. I had a great dance and sweat in NIA, and sang with choir. We are doing a walking singing street performance next week with lots of other stuff going on too.

I just hiding now. I did colouring. I like colouring. I don't like mean people who scream and hurt and be mean and not caring.
 
Little Neri came out. She needs comforting. She needs hugs.
I don't want my mummy coz she is mean too.
I want Big Neri to look after me. She can be my mummy. She is nice. She cares about people but she needs to learn to keep me safer from mean people. We colour together :-) We play with the big man who is nice.
 
I am feeling so worn down at the moment. A bit hopeless. My child parts are so triggered by the neighbor. The other neighbors cat is far more hurt than we thought. $700 vet bill for the neighbors, so neighbor-from-hell has cost us and our other side neighbors well over $2000 dollars in vet bills, all up. I feel terrorized by her. I hope the cat recovers.

Neighbor-from-hell is bringing up so much of my wounded child pain and brokenness. I want to be strong but I'm so worn.down from dealing with narcissists on top of untreated rapes, early childhood sexual abuse, 10 pregnancies, suicidal and psychotic offspring, abusive and brainwashed offspring, too many drug addicted family members, unemployment, I can't drive and go anywhere, I can't function in my own home, I'm too ill to study now.
I want a break! I want a break! I want a break! Don't break me! I want freedom! I want to be free of this weight bearing down on me!

Selfish destroyers of peace and safety
Bearing down on me
Can't bare this weight!
Get off of me
Let me be free!
Why do you tear at others? Terrorizing me.
I need my courage, I need my rage, I need to believe I am worth it. Worth protecting, worth defending, worth having boundaries, worth fighting for, worth having my needs met.
 
So I feel totally different and uplifted since leaving our place this morning. I just had a great meeting with my autistic son's supported accommodation providers and a "support service coordinator" from the same org. I'm really impressed with the team leadership and his key worker but not sure about the coordinator. She is on trial at the moment, because we received a lot of funding for that service and we get to choose who we want to go with. My son is doing pretty well at the moment there and I feel he is in good hands.:-) so excited about the extra funding he's getting too :-) this level of support has been a long time coming, I worked smart and long to advocate for it and I feel we are sooooooo fortune to be getting it. He is really going to get to thrive and is already starting to! :-)
 
It makes me so happy to hear that he is going to be getting some big wings to fly a little freer with. I am so glad you have the support there and I am sending all my best that it continues to work well. Congratulations. You are awesome :hug::hug::)
 
We got a car! It was an euphoria experience to be picked up by my guy in our own vehicle.
But then to come come to a dying dog.
My guy was beside himself and I copped the brunt of it and unfortunately I got very triggered and unresolved grief from the trauma of having to go through miscarriage number 2 (4 month baby Blossom, a little girl) in January and because he melting screaming at me I had urged to jump out of the moving car and so close at one stage, because he is a sufferer too and sometimes we trigger each other badly.

We are ok now though, just sad, losing our little friend. Crying now
 
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I. got lucky with this picture... I caught the sun shining through a prism that I have hanging in my window. I couldn't have planned it if I tried!

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
I am SOOOO SORRY for your losses!!! Our four-legged family members are an important part of our lives!!! My heart aches for you and your Sweetie!!!❤️❤️❤️

Losing a child of ANY age is a sorrow that lingers throughout the remainder of our lives! I know that the emotional scars you bear are deep and profound, I wish I could hold them for you, If only for a while. I would....

It really is a miracle that you and your man have found each other! Even though there are many triggers between you, you are able to support each another in ways that no one else could possibly know.

You COMFORT each other so beautifully, and it is AMAZING to "see" a glimpse of such a precious relationship! :hug: ❤️ :hug:

I am happy that you now have a car! Being able to get out and about will allow you two some freedom that you may not have had for a long time? That is exciting, and just in time for the holidays!

It was also wonderful to read about how well your sweet son is doing in regards to his support team, and that the funding is available to allow a high quality of care and gtowth! It sounds like it's going to be a healthy, positive, and life changing situation, that YOU fought hard for! Good job!

I could go on and on about how awesome it is to "hear" about all the things that you are doing that are leading you into a realm of healing that will bring you gather than you EVER thought possible!

I FEEL it... I can sense that all the things you have been fighting for, are finally coming around, and that you are about to soar into a new and exciting chapter in your life's story! I wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it!!! I don't believe in "puffing" people up with empty words! ❤️

Blessings, Peace, and Hugs to you and your guy!❤️
 
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