• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

I've been living a lie

Status
Not open for further replies.

Draiocht

Confident
I'm a survivor of CSA. I felt self-loathing and shame in sexual acts before I ever consented to anything. I've had 4 relationships in which consent was given and each partner knew my history and that I have trouble with intimacy. I've not been completely honest about the extent of intimacy problems, and I assume it was multiplied by one particular ex who used my low self-esteem to excuse cheating or threatening to do so if I didn't feel able to be intimate or didn't want to do something - reinforcing my sense of worth as a partner by what I was willing to do and how often.

I fall into relationships; they find me, not the other way around. I value the emotional and intellectual connections I have had but I've never quite untangled the shame associated with the rare times I might feel like being intimate, or the lack of drive or outright fear and aversion I feel more commonly. I mostly perform sex as a duty. But that just makes the shame worse. Participation makes me (feel) complicit in the abuse I suffered as a child. But then there's also the fact that I'm not being totally honest with my partners. But if I was, I wouldn't have a partner...

Basically I've followed this pattern in every relationship, and I'm nearly 7 years into my current one. I feel like I've been digging myself a very deep hole. When we started seeing each other I was a lot more sexually active with him, I presume (looking back now) as a way of trying to prove I was a good girlfriend. 6 months in I came clean with a half-truth about how I struggle sometimes given my trauma and that occasionally I chose to have sex even when it was difficult for me. He was obviously upset and said he didn't want to do anything I didn't want to. We recovered from that, he forgave me.

He has been mostly true to his word on that. Sometimes I have to say no a lot before he will stop asking, but he hasn't forced himself on me and I don't believe he would. However, sometimes he wears me down enough that I give my consent despite the fact I know I will be dissociating and ruminating. Intermittent conditioning, maybe... But I consent because I can't handle the discomfort of upsetting him, because I want that closeness that comes afterwards. So I feel trauma shame intertwining with my lies and I don't know what to do now.

I feel so alone. The only people I truly trust are more like avatars (my therapist, and that's about it actually) - people who by being inaccessible in these ways cannot hurt me sexually, and whose distance and knowledge means they can understand why I might be averse to intimacy. I buy myself the relationship but in doing so I feel cold and alone.

I've only really just begun to consider and realise all of this and I'm going through a rough patch at the moment because of a memory that came back to me in 5D - surround sound - suckerpunch HD a week ago. I'm not sure what I'm asking for with this post. I just feel lost right now and I don't know what to do with these things I'm realising.
 
Please continue to write about what you are feeling and keep on expressing what is going on inside of you. I really do not think you have been living a lie, rather just hiding out which is so understandable. I do know how sex is so complicated for you and that it is not your fault and please believe that you are not alone. So many here also struggle with the same concerns you have. I offer support to you and a listening ear. Please hang on. :hug:
 
Thank you @Rain :hug: I feel like I've always known these things but this is the first time I've consciously understood what I'm doing. It's scary.

@The Albatross I think that's just about to start. I have been avoiding talking about it for so long. There always seems to be something else to discuss somehow, a sign in should be looking at it for sure. I'm scared my therapists will be disgusted or disappointed in me. I had an emergency appointment last week because of the memory I had and my t asked if I would find it helpful to discuss the content and I was too ashamed to do so. But it also made me aware of all the other intimacy problems I have in the present and we thought it would be good to look at these when I've recovered from this memory and its aftershocks.
 
@Draiocht I think it's awesome that you're even able to call out the shame on here. That's a really difficult step to take and one that I've been trying to take in therapy for a very long time. It's hard to admit the shame you have about the most personal part of your life. It's even easier to avoid it and find something else to keep your life feeling chaotic to dodge those thoughts. Were you all able to work through that memory, even if you didn't necessarily talk about it?
 
It's taken me a long time too! With this particular team it's taken me almost 3 years to get to this point. This week I admitted how the idea of sex in the present makes me feel like I'm complicit in my past abuse and we started talking about how it's common for automatic physical sensations to become paired with emotions like fear or horror. It's something I have understood in reading around trauma for a long time, but I have never admitted it in therapy before. Huge step forward. It was really worrying me because I am quite attached to my male T, father figure like. But he responded so well, reminded me how much of a professional he is, and that he is prepared to have these conversations if I'm willing to. Getting it out there and having him respond calmly, sensitively, willingly to something I'm terrified to admit to or inflict on anyone else... it helped.

I've tried to explain this to my partner, but he cannot get his head around it. But I let him know I was struggling with intimacy and felt really dissociative since the memory came back, and though he doesn't comprehend it he is trying to be respectful and helpful. Therapists have suggested a possible route of joint therapy focused on intimacy with the two of us but the idea kind of horrifies me. There's a lot I don't tell him, and of course that's on me, but that route seems a bit out of control and scary. Would like to stick with trauma focused individual therapy, figure out what the hell is going on with me myself, and translate that to him as I feel able to.
 
I'm a survivor of CSA. I felt self-loathing and shame in sexual acts before I ever consented to anything. I've had 4 relationships in which consent was given and each partner knew my history and that I have trouble with intimacy.

I'm really inspired by what you wrote. I struggle with so many of the same feelings. Also recovering from CSA and trying to figure out how to reintegrate. I know that shame is at the root of my pain, but I haven't been able to express it like you. Your words help.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top