I'm a survivor of CSA. I felt self-loathing and shame in sexual acts before I ever consented to anything. I've had 4 relationships in which consent was given and each partner knew my history and that I have trouble with intimacy. I've not been completely honest about the extent of intimacy problems, and I assume it was multiplied by one particular ex who used my low self-esteem to excuse cheating or threatening to do so if I didn't feel able to be intimate or didn't want to do something - reinforcing my sense of worth as a partner by what I was willing to do and how often.
I fall into relationships; they find me, not the other way around. I value the emotional and intellectual connections I have had but I've never quite untangled the shame associated with the rare times I might feel like being intimate, or the lack of drive or outright fear and aversion I feel more commonly. I mostly perform sex as a duty. But that just makes the shame worse. Participation makes me (feel) complicit in the abuse I suffered as a child. But then there's also the fact that I'm not being totally honest with my partners. But if I was, I wouldn't have a partner...
Basically I've followed this pattern in every relationship, and I'm nearly 7 years into my current one. I feel like I've been digging myself a very deep hole. When we started seeing each other I was a lot more sexually active with him, I presume (looking back now) as a way of trying to prove I was a good girlfriend. 6 months in I came clean with a half-truth about how I struggle sometimes given my trauma and that occasionally I chose to have sex even when it was difficult for me. He was obviously upset and said he didn't want to do anything I didn't want to. We recovered from that, he forgave me.
He has been mostly true to his word on that. Sometimes I have to say no a lot before he will stop asking, but he hasn't forced himself on me and I don't believe he would. However, sometimes he wears me down enough that I give my consent despite the fact I know I will be dissociating and ruminating. Intermittent conditioning, maybe... But I consent because I can't handle the discomfort of upsetting him, because I want that closeness that comes afterwards. So I feel trauma shame intertwining with my lies and I don't know what to do now.
I feel so alone. The only people I truly trust are more like avatars (my therapist, and that's about it actually) - people who by being inaccessible in these ways cannot hurt me sexually, and whose distance and knowledge means they can understand why I might be averse to intimacy. I buy myself the relationship but in doing so I feel cold and alone.
I've only really just begun to consider and realise all of this and I'm going through a rough patch at the moment because of a memory that came back to me in 5D - surround sound - suckerpunch HD a week ago. I'm not sure what I'm asking for with this post. I just feel lost right now and I don't know what to do with these things I'm realising.
I fall into relationships; they find me, not the other way around. I value the emotional and intellectual connections I have had but I've never quite untangled the shame associated with the rare times I might feel like being intimate, or the lack of drive or outright fear and aversion I feel more commonly. I mostly perform sex as a duty. But that just makes the shame worse. Participation makes me (feel) complicit in the abuse I suffered as a child. But then there's also the fact that I'm not being totally honest with my partners. But if I was, I wouldn't have a partner...
Basically I've followed this pattern in every relationship, and I'm nearly 7 years into my current one. I feel like I've been digging myself a very deep hole. When we started seeing each other I was a lot more sexually active with him, I presume (looking back now) as a way of trying to prove I was a good girlfriend. 6 months in I came clean with a half-truth about how I struggle sometimes given my trauma and that occasionally I chose to have sex even when it was difficult for me. He was obviously upset and said he didn't want to do anything I didn't want to. We recovered from that, he forgave me.
He has been mostly true to his word on that. Sometimes I have to say no a lot before he will stop asking, but he hasn't forced himself on me and I don't believe he would. However, sometimes he wears me down enough that I give my consent despite the fact I know I will be dissociating and ruminating. Intermittent conditioning, maybe... But I consent because I can't handle the discomfort of upsetting him, because I want that closeness that comes afterwards. So I feel trauma shame intertwining with my lies and I don't know what to do now.
I feel so alone. The only people I truly trust are more like avatars (my therapist, and that's about it actually) - people who by being inaccessible in these ways cannot hurt me sexually, and whose distance and knowledge means they can understand why I might be averse to intimacy. I buy myself the relationship but in doing so I feel cold and alone.
I've only really just begun to consider and realise all of this and I'm going through a rough patch at the moment because of a memory that came back to me in 5D - surround sound - suckerpunch HD a week ago. I'm not sure what I'm asking for with this post. I just feel lost right now and I don't know what to do with these things I'm realising.