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Relationship Boyfriend disappeared... will he come back?

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Brook

My boyfriend of two months suddenly stopped calling or texting me and has ignored me for the past two weeks. He is a combat veteran who served in Afghanistan and he has ptsd and depression. He never had any problem talking about his feelings for me, which were strong. He shared things with me about his past that were so hard for him to share that he cried. And he had even told me that he wanted to work toward marriage with me. Everything between us was literally perfect for 6 weeks before the first time he ignored me. At that time I didn’t know that he was depressed and just thought it was so strange that I hadn’t heard from him so I went over to his house to see if he was okay and that’s when I figured it out. He looked awful and said things like, “I never wanted you to see me this way.” I told him that I could be patient with him and that I wanted to be with him and we could figure things out. The rest of that week he called me a couple of times (he still didn’t sound good) and then he came over on Friday and we talked, he even tried to explain what he was going through because he said I deserved to know, and everything was good again. We spent that whole weekend together and he repeatedly apologized for ignoring me for those two days and he even bought me a present. He was so wonderful and I thought everything would go back to normal but the following week we had limited contact, as in just a few texts a day, not like we normally text, and he wasn’t calling me to talk at night anymore. The next weekend we spent Saturday and Sunday together and both were good! (Time in person was never a problem, it just seemed like he had a hard time communicating on the phone because he was overwhelmed with work during the week.) Then on Monday he called me to say goodnight, and I saw him again on Tuesday, which was also a really nice time and he was very sweet and affectionate and caring toward me, and told me he wanted to see me again on Wednesday so I told him I would make dinner for us and we were both excited! The next day I went grocery shopping and made dinner and then he texted me and said he had had a bad day and wasn’t coming. I asked him to call me and told him I had already made dinner and was a little upset, but I tried to be understanding and I told him I wasn’t mad and I could make the same thing another time. He called me again later that night to say goodnight and everything basically seemed fine except that he was acting more negative and sarcastic than usual. When we got off the phone he said he would talk to me the next day and I have yet to hear from him! That was two weeks ago and he has yet to say anything to me or even respond to my texts. I sent two saying things like “I hope you have a great day, I’m praying for you, I’m here when you feel like talking, I miss you.” And then I sent one saying “please help me understand what’s happening.” And nothing. At this point it feels like I will never heard from him again, which is so sad because I know what we had was special and I know he cared for me. Any thoughts?
 
It's hard to say if he will be back, if this is all his PTSD, or why it's happening. It could be anything at this point in time. It's a new relationship. He could be ghosting, he could be isolating.

You've done all you can do, which is send him a text saying you'd be there when he's ready to talk. I'd leave him alone and give him some space. If he contacts you, take it from there.
 
Hi Brook. Sadly, what you describe is common with PTSD relationships.

I don't know if your bf is seeking therapy but if he isn't. This is the best it will be. He doesn't sound healthy enough for a romantic relationship right now.

Read around the supporters section. Most of their stories are just like yours.

Best of luck to you and your Veteran!
 
You describe things as being “literally perfect” in the beginning, and talking about marriage just weeks into this relationship. That could spark commitment issues in many guys, even if he was taking the lead on that.

I think you both probably should have taken it slower, PTSD or not, and both of you been more careful to not idealize the relationship quite so much - that’s a lot of pressure on the relationship itself.

You were both still really just beginning to get to know each other, warts and all. He may or may not come back. His backing up from the relationship might be related to PTSD, it might not be. If he does return, take it slow, and see it as a chance to spend more time to get to know each other.
 
Thank you for your feedback guys. He was the one leading those more serious conversations and moving the relationship forward. We talked about how quickly things were moving and how it felt like we had known each other so much longer than we had and how it didn’t matter if it was fast, because every relationship is different and we didn’t have to be like anybody else. But I agree that even though he was leading that, it did probably scare him and put pressure on him. His life isn’t in a place that he can realistically see himself getting married yet, ptsd or not, and may have gotten scared that he wouldn’t be able to provide what I needed. I told him at one point that if he was feeling pressure from our relationship, that it didn’t have to be that way, and he was the one pushing us forward, and we could dial things back. If he comes back I will be sure to not put any pressure on him about what we talked about before and take it much slower.
 
I must say that the behavior sounds like it is definitely related to ptsd. My bf first started an argument with me last Saturday and then ended with a somewhat pleasant conversation and then he took a nap. Since then he’s been extremely distant and since Thursday we haven’t had any contact. It’s very hard and extremely tough to deal with not knowing if it’s the person or the illness. My heart has been broken and I’m not sure what to do anymore.
 
I must say that the behavior sounds like it is definitely related to ptsd. My bf first started an argument...

I’m sorry BJ. I know exactly how you feel. I hope your bf will come around and say something soon. For me its been so long since my man has contacted me (2 1/2 weeks now) that I’m losing hope that he ever will. It’s so hard to accept and I’m so incredibly sad. I wish things were different and he could be fully in this relationship because he was so amazing the first month and a half. It was the best relationship I’ve ever had, and he was so good at communicating. That’s why when things changed I was so shocked because he was so different.
 
Brook,

I'm experiencing almost the same thing! We were together 2 months. Everything was great, we said I love you. Felt like he really did because coming from an infantry combat vet im sure if he said that, it had to be real. Well he ended up getting in fight with army roommate which in turn he must've felt he hit rock bottom. Because he also had hernia surgery same week. So no work, no place to live he bolted back home a few hours away. He decided to go back to school and couldn't see us working it out long distance. He just got out of Army 2 years ago. 3 deployments, ptsd, crazy ex wife who would try to control him at times and put a strain on us. But when it was good it was beyond good with us. Hes been back home almost 3 weeks and we still talk as friends. I ignored him for 3 days to try to move on. And then I get texts yesterday from him feeling like I just want him to fck off. I explained to him im not mad at him and always here and asked why he would think that. He says nightmares and rough night. I explain im always here and i still careand then we don't talk. I tell him today i had nightmares too. And ask why he would think i want him to fck off and no answer..
Why are they so hot and cold and push and pull. I feel like we are loving the hulk back to his normal self. So hard. Sure I need to move on too.
 
I started to type our whole story this morning asking for advice but I see we are all going through it. Are they scared to be so happy and realize they can trust us? We are not the enemy here. I feel like they'e also like a puppy who's been beaten, hiding under a car and we have to keep nurturing them to come out, trust us and not be afraid anymore. It breaks my heart and I'm tired of crying over it.
 
I started to type our whole story this morning asking for advice but I see we are all going throug...


Becky,

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Today is three weeks since I’ve heard a word from my guy. I am still so upset and cry at least every other day. I’m feeling pretty hopeless that I’m not going to hear from him again at this point, and it’s so crazy when I think back to the last time I saw him. I never would have imagined that would be the last time because he was so sweet and caring and making plans with me. I still want to be with him but I guess I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll probably be better off (and healthier mentally) if we aren’t together. This has been really hard for me. I’m sad. I miss him. I wish there was something I could do, but if he won’t let me, I can’t even try. Good luck with your guy.
 
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