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Boundaries

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It strikes me that it’s not just the boundaries, but the changes in boundaries and what support you can and can’t expect from her... and maybe feeling a bit abandoned in this rough season? Lawsuits are adversarial and kind of can leave anyone feeling a bit, eh, raw, and like people are not really for them or believing in them and etc.

Maybe there could be a way to work on rebuilding a sense of an alliance in the work with her? That even though she can’t do crisis calls, rebuilding that sense that she’s on your side, maybe that would help?

Safety planning would be good - but not just for keeping you alive, but also for how to cope with some of the intense and really hard things you are dealing with right now. My own therapist doesn’t really do crisis help either. Hospitals and crisis lines kinda just don’t work for me personally, except to keep me alive. Part of my handling my therapist’s limited avalibility when in tough spots come up had been finding supports and connections I can engage before I’m in a crisis. It’s something I’m constantly working on actually and need to grow in myself.... When it’s more built up, my therapist’s inability to help in a crisis doesn’t feel so abandoning or jarring.

That being said, it’s really hard to engage that work when also dealing with serious health matters. I have been in a tough spot medically and found a support group just for the medical issues that was a good landing spot between sessions.

I get the sense that maybe you want to feel like someone’s on your side, and it’s missing in the relationship with her at the moment? Or I could be totally missing the mark too, and if so, please disregard.
 
@Justmehere no, I think you’re correct. When I am in a crisis situation I don’t always jump to suicidal feelings, it’s more of I need to calm down and I feel like everything is crashing down on me. I have felt suicidal before and I do know in those instances the hospital should help and should be an option.

I think you have a good idea about a safety plan as to what to do when she’s not available. I know she cares but when I get into a mode where I feel intensely stressed or abandoned...no one can reach me, my brain has this super power of deflecting anything good or helpful and just kicks into survival mode.

Maybe you’re right and I do need to build back up an alliance, I didn’t think about that. I know she will say she cares and what not but will follow it with “I’m not sure you’re hearing me” , which I know I got into shut down protection mode if I feel vulnerable.

This is a lot to think about...in a good way.
 
I have said this here in response to suicidal thoughts and feelings. I was never able to do this but it may have been a good idea? I was not strong enough. The guy I am going to mention was able to do this successfully. Over and over. He had severe PTSD like we do. Once a year or so he would disappear. Nobody would say where he was, even the people who knew. I don't know why they never made up a cover story but he told me one time what he did. He usually was gone about a week. He would go to the ER and get admitted by telling him he was suicidal. (which was true to whatever degree it meant he needed to get his meds right) then he'd come back with "the meds he needed." He told me that was how he stayed stable. I don't know how he handled them (the doctors) but he just always said to me "I just tell them what I need them to do and don't listen to their BS." I was just way too afraid to do this but like I said, it would have been a good idea for me probably at a couple points. I hope you feel better.
 
I feel like I’m under a ridiculous amount of stress w my lawsuit, health/tests/possibly more surgery/pain and loss of hand function, the holidays and financial stuff
That's a LOT! You're not being a sissy, that's a lot to have on your plate at one time.

This particular boundary, the "what do you do in a crisis?" thing, seems especially tough. My own T takes a completely opposite approach to yours. He'd be upset if I DIDN'T contact him. He's said that. He also know I'm not likely to do it, though. And, I don't know if he takes the same approach with everyone. I DO know, if he's got a client who needs to be hospitalized, he does what he can to set it up so they go to a good place and the situation is as safe as it can be. He's kind of gone out of his way to make that point to me. So, even though I'll probably never call him, I know I could and that he'd take it seriously and that's pretty helpful. If he told me not to contact him, I think it would make me feel like I was a bother, and then I'd probably think I was bothering him just by showing up........ I'm not saying that's right or wrong. There probably IS no right or wrong, but this particular thing seems like a place where things can make you wonder how important you actually are.

When it comes right down to it, I handled everything I ever encountered before I met my T by myself so, when things are difficult, that's what I tell myself.

I get what you mean about not stopping to think about coping skills. Would it help to write it down? You could get creative. Draw pictures, use colors, post it on your refrigerator where you'll see it all the time to help you remember. Or, put the list of things to do in a box, label it "First Aid" and put it someplace easy to find. Come up with something that works for you, but don't expect yourself to be able to think clearly under pressure because you probably won't. No one does.
 
@scout86 i have thought about and semi started a self care back pack but it was when I first started getting flashbacks of my attack so it turned out to be more of a bag of legit survival tools and weapons which surprisingly (sarcasm) isn’t helpful. I think the last year or so I’ve let fear control my life whether it’s abandonment or just going in public or even talking to people I know well. I know the last year I’ve changed, it’s been a little over a year since I’ve been attacked and I’ve changed a lot, I didn’t notice at first but I see it now. For awhile I stopped caring about myself and now I’m trying to do that again and it’s difficult. And I’m not sure what I need when I feel I’m in crisis, even my therapist has asked that and I really don’t know other than just make the feelings and overwhelming emotions stop. I’ve been doing well not contacting my T recently out of session aside from emails which she allows but I haven’t been doing that so much either. I suppose part of me is afraid if I let her back in I’ll run the risk of engaging in old patterns.

@Mach123 ive been to the hospital once and it was kinda a mess bc of insurance, the meds didn’t help and I ended up having to research my own psychiatrist. I’ve been told numerous times I have treatment resistant depression so a lot of meds don’t work for me or if they do work they only lessen the depression mildly. I’ve been depressed my whole life and don’t know who I am without it sad to say. I’ve looked into alternatives like EMS and ketamine and have been on the fence about those. I’m actually not sure I can do EMS bc of the artificial disc in my neck now so there’s that. That all being said I do know people that have gone to the hospital for a “tune up” and it’s worked really well for them, I’ve worked w people like that as well, sometimes your meds just need tobe tweaked
 
For awhile I stopped caring about myself and now I’m trying to do that again and it’s difficult.
I can see where working though this (the crisis plan) is part of the process of doing exactly that, taking better care of yourself.

I can really relate to "wanting the feelings to stop". I try to break that down into tiny pieces. The first piece I have to make myself notice is that it IS "feelings". As another member here likes to say, "feelings are not facts". They aren't "nothing" either, but a feeling had no power we don't choose to give it. All a feeling is is an attempt to get our attention. For me, the first step is to notice the feeling. The second step is to identify it. (I tend to be a bit out of touch with my feelings.) Once I figure out what it is, the next step, for me, is to figure out where it's coming from and what it means. And then a plan for what to do about it. Usually, by then, things have been defused at least a little. Because it turns out I was misidentifing the threat level.
 
Since it was helpful, I have to give credit to Disco Dancing Queen. I was quoting her, but it's something I've found to be pretty helpful.

The MRI does not sound like ANY fun at ALL!
 
Mri came back ok for my neck, now I have to see an orthopedic surgeon as to why I’m having pain and numbness. Also in the waiting room my aunt called me to let me know my other aunt has 1-2 weeks to live. It’s been a rough day. :(
 
@scout86 yeah, told to call hotlines, go to the hospital etc.
One of my therapists allowed me to email her if things came up between sessions. Just wiriting it all out would help me to better deal with it until I saw her next. (Writing is therapeutic). She would give me some very brief response, like maybe three words, just that she got it and read it, in other words. I felt better then, knowing that she knew what was up with me and it would save time in my next session too. Do you have her email?

One other thing I want to say here too. Not only about therapy, but about life in general too. Sometimes boundaries have to be broken. Yes, there can be consequences, heavy ones too, but some boundaries can be unreasonable. I hope you are not dealing with something like that. I know this is probably a really unpopular thing to say, because we all need boundaries, but emergencies can sometime make it necessary to cross them. That is my opinion, for whatever it is worth.

Also, from my own personal experience, sometimes a person's natural inclinations will overrule someone else's boundaries. In other words, I might just be a certain way, like for instance if I laugh at inopportune moments or something. Someone else might place a boundary on me about this, and I just simply cannot help but laugh anyway. Then either that person has to try to enforce that boundary on me, or stay away from me if it really bothers them that much and I can't help it. The third option is that the person just puts up with it. So, maybe, if you don't overdo it, keep it as brief as possible, maybe you can occasionally break her boundaries and not have this backfire on you too badly. Or, maybe you leave a voicemail, and she never even listens to it and never replies. However, at least you have had the chance to communicate and get it off your chest. You know?
 
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