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General Simple question, why does therapy make you feel worse?

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Hi @BoyfriendqwithPTSD. I know you're hurting through all of this. PTSD is a horrible disorder. Your guy is doing the right thing. Addressing his trauma. He's very brave to do it.

I just want you to realize you won't have the relationship you once had prior to PTSD. As a matter of fact this might be as good as it gets. I know seven years is a long time and I'm sure you had plans for the future together but living with PTSD in a relationship is extremely difficult most days. And freakin h*ll all the other days.

As for the hurtful things he says. I think he feels a relationship is too much for him right now so he's pushing you away. Just my opinion. I don't know either of you but it's pretty common for someone to push the people closest to them away. Relationships are alot of stress and can be just too much for someone. Especially someone starting trauma therapy.

Give him some time and space to sort himself out. Leave him be for a bit. If he reaches out to you. You have to decide if you want to continue the push / pull dynamic that you're stuck in.

Good luck and take care of yourself!
 
Thanks for this @LuckiLee.

It’s extremely hard because one day is good and the next day isn’t. Like Friday for example, he spoke about this project he wants to get in to. Before trauma, he was a really outspoken and confident person and very involved in the community. He wants to get back in to those things as they provided him satisfaction. So on Friday he was so excited about it, and kept talking about how ‘we’ (him and I) were planning this.

Then yesterday, again.. just cold. Doesn’t reach out, when I do.. he doesn’t say much, doesn’t wanna pick my calls up. But then is very capable of going out with his friends and having a good time, being ‘himself’ ?

Another thing that bugs me is that, he has said plenty of times before how he may meet someone and he may feel happy again (happy, and no PTSD). He thinks his emotional numbness and everything else can be fixed, as long as he meets ‘that one person’

It doesn’t really help either that mine and his culture really emphasizes on how an individual should be married at a certain age (which we both are at), and because of that I also think he is putting himself under some kind of time constraint to get his feelings back for me. It’s sad, because they were back during Christmas and before. And that wasn’t very long ago.

Anyway, just some of the thoughts that go through my head. As much as I remind myself that he is very symptomatic right now, only a few days ago he was telling me about his horrible dreams, waking up in the middle of the night screaming etc...
It’s awful. I never realized how hard this was going to be.
 
Thanks for this @LuckiLee.

It’s extremely hard because one day is good...

I'm just wondering why you are expecting him to have this all figured out as he goes through it. The worst thing anyone could've done for me when I'm not doing well, is expect more from me. No offence, and no I don't know all of the ins and outs of your relationship but if I were in his shoes and I had someone analyzing all my behaviours I'd tell you to take a hike. He needs to do whatever feels right for him in that particular moment. Remembering triggers can be sounds, sights, smells, actions, basically anything, you need to work on not getting bent out of shape if for some reason hanging out with you isn't the best thing for him at the current point in time. Myself, I recently just went through about 2 months where I initiated conversations with men, and then ditched them like nothing. It wasn't because I was playing the field or whatever, it was because I totally lost interest and could not put forth the effort to carry out that communication. Our brains are already filled with excess. Forcing ourselves to do something is beyond taxing and additionally triggering. It sounds like this guy is still continuing a relationship with you. I'd consider that a plus, especially from the other posts I've read about people concerned that 'their' PTSD suffer has ended things with them. Be there for them when he needs, but don't ask him every 20 minutes if there's anything you can do for him. I know it's hard to understand, but there's usually no alterior motive to a PTSD suffer's behaviours aside from trying to stay alive.
 
PTSD creates a mess in the mind of both sufferer and supporter. I write the things on this forum that I do not not discuss with him.
I don’t interrogate him and say ‘why are you like this with x and not with me’.
No ones stopped him from doing whatever he wants to do. And I do not ask him ‘every 20 minutes if there’s anything I can do’
If your partner is behaving hot/cold/happy/upset/loving/numb and so on sometimes all in one day, that will make me wonder. I will think ‘hmm.. what’s going on’

It’s only natural.
 
PTSD creates a mess in the mind of both sufferer and supporter. I write the things on this f...

You’re responding with defensiveness. I’m not trying to attack you. What I’m pointing out is that even in these posts you have huge questions as to why he’s doing certain things and not taking the “help” you have to offer. I’m not sure if it just sucks to hear or what, but consider that you cannot meet his needs right now. It’s not to say that you aren’t right for him, just try to let it go and not personalize it so much. Take care of you through all this and manage those thoughts vs. Trying to iron out what he’s thinking. He likely doesn’t know himself.
 
@BoyfriendqwithPTSD we don't know your relationship personally. We know what it's like to live long term with a partner with PTSD. The reason you probably feel attacked is because we keep telling you the same things over and over everytime you try and explain why your relationship is different. PTSD doesn't care how long you've been in a relationship or how good it was before. You have to grasp this. PTSD is going to do what it is gonna do. We're telling you the same things over and over because that's how this all works. These are the types of things that happen when your partner has PTSD.

He feels bad because he started therapy. He just started. It's going to take awhile to work through this. Nobody can predict how long all this is going to take. Nobody can predict if it will work. Nobody knows how many rounds of treatment he may need. It's the same for your man. It'd be the same for my man if he started a new round of treatment tomorrow, and he has been previously treated and hospitalized. He's basically going and getting massively triggered everytime he goes to an appointment. He feels like hell. I don't understand the precise therapeutic process or what's happening with his neurons. I just know, as his partner of years, that therapy is rough on him, and starting any kind of new treatment is going to make him off the charts symptomatic.

Symptom management takes a long time and a lot of work and practice. Don't think months, think years. Same for your man, same for my my. Mine vet's combat trauma and injuries occurred in 2005/2006, and he has been diagnosed with PTSD for over 10 years. He still works at this stuff every day. I know this is not a fast process because I've seen him work at this for years. Sometimes things get better and then sometimes they get worse.

When he is symptomatic he cannot worry about a relationship or how you're feeling. It's like he's on fire. He can't help you when he's burning. Same for your man, same for my man. My man has days where he can't bring himself to speak to me. There are stretches of time when he's not affectionate, romantic or loving. There are times he talks about how a future with me can't exist. I know it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that he feels like shit. He shows me he loves me by sticking around when the easiest thing in the world would be for him to run far away and never speak to me again.

This is stuff that happens in PTSD relationships. Ask any of the long term supporters on here... ask any of the sufferers who have been with long term partners. This is your reality now. You have to adjust to it if you want to remain in this relationship.
 
Ptsd is not like some other disorders in that you are put on medication and in 12 weeks you're getting better. Medication might help some. But that's it. And it might take several types and several tries to even find something that works. And you will still have some symptoms. I am not the best at expressing myself but it's hard and it takes you from the people you love the most and you can't stop it. You can learn to manage it but you can't stop it.
 
@Sweetpea76 is dead on. And from the sufferers side it can be horribly depressing also . It's going into these deep dark terrifying places and fighting your way out day after day, year after year. If I get a good day here and there I'm ecstatic because it doesn't happen very often.

And the guilt. Oh the guilt I KNOW hubby would be better off on another relationship because living with me is not easy. And I would be better off with someone else because I wouldn't let myself care as much for them.

Yesterday I was in a great place. Today I'm super symptomatic. And that is a problem in his life as well as mine. And I can't change that. I may never be able to. No matter how much I love him there will be days I make him miserable and I wonder if he would be better off if I just let him go ( or push him away).
 
For me, as a person with PTSD, (I won't call myself a sufferer), I went through a horrible 3 years where I was only able to stay alive. I couldn't be there for anyone. When I look back, I can see where it might have been seen as being selfish and cold, but it was just withdraw for me. I manage my symptoms much better now, after 6 years of therapy. I know what I can do, and what will cause a recurrence of symptoms. I'm so sorry you and your partner have to go through this, it is rotten, but my thought is that through no fault of his own, he won't be able to meet your needs a lot now. That doesn't mean leave, or give up, it just is. You want to be there for him, just be. Do some things that make you happy if you don't already, continue to have a life outside the relationship and give him the space he needs to heal. There are many supporters on here to help you through it, this is a great site.

Oh, I forgot to say that now I have many, many more good days than bad.
 
@BoyfriendqwithPTSD, I wanted to say that I understand the predicament you're in with your sufferer. Although it's certainly not unique that a sufferer will numb and turn hot and cold, I think what may separate your case from some (not all) long term PTSD relationships on here is the fundamental level of commitment your partner is displaying. A lack of core commitment is different from going hot and cold.

Basically, the question seems to be: are you in this together or not? What I hear is him telling you that he can't give you what you need and that a different person may suit him better, but then, when it suits him, he reaches out, wants to be close, and basically reverts back to normal relationship behavior. PTSD or not, I think that's pretty unfair to you.

I can't blame you for getting your hopes up and then being incredibly confused when his approaching you doesn't actually mean anything. I can't blame you for coming on here to figure out if this is truly a PTSD thing, or something else.

I might be very off here, but I'm not entirely sure it's only PTSD. There seem to be a lack of boundaries on his part, and maybe yours too, for participating in a peek a boo game with his commitment to you.

I think the difference here is this: My partner has gone hot and cold, yes. He's had moments when he told me it's all just too hard and he's afraid he can't give me what I need, he's holding me back, the works. But he has eventually always calmed down, recognized it and let it pass for what it was, desperation and hopelessness that had nothing to do with me. Those moments hurt and really shook me up (still do when it happens,) but with time I learned to recognize that it's not really an expression of his commitment to me, so I learned to relax through them.

In other words, the foundation of his commitment to me and us, and us being in this together together, has never changed...not matter how angry, hopeless, desperate, numb, hot or cold he got.

If that ever changed, I, like you, would spend a lot of time trying to figure out if this is a phase, a new outgrowth of his PTSD, or something else. Eventually, if this behavior continued, I'd have to come to the conclusion that I can't continue to be there for someone emotionally, physically, and mentally who isn't fundamentally committed to US in return. The why wouldn't matter, the PTSD wouldn't matter, my boundaries and the level of commitment I need within ANY relationship would.

What I want to say is, yes, going hot and cold (isolating in that way) can be a symptom of PTSD. But having bad boundaries, stringing someone along for your own benefit (like for comfort, closeness, not having to be alone, etc.) is a little different. So I think rather than trying to bend yourself into a knot to not scare him away, I'd say focus on what you need, the basic level of commitment you require, to continue down this path with him. These relationships are hard enough even when both are committed to making it work.
 
Hi everyone. Hope you are all having a great day.
As always, I thank you all for the level of support I have been given on this forum.
I think @Hojay pretty much nails it. I write on this forum out of pure confusion as to whats actually going on. The question "Is this PTSD or is he being a jerk?" is something I ask myself many times, hence why I am on here to get a better perspective. I have listened to what you've all said, and I have given him plenty of space (this is what he asked for). After a few days of getting this space, he seems to be talking to me quite normally.

@Hojay Thank you for the above post. You put things in to words, which I sometimes fail to do. Sometimes I am genuinely left confused by his behaviour. I have come to a few conclusions:
-He isn't fully aware/he is quite confused/, and is not accepting PTSD fully. He has told me on some occasions he thinks he may feel this way due to other things. Both him and I come from a certain culture where mental health is still very tabu and often interpreted as "black magic". I feel quite uncomfortable typing this up.
- He constantly seeks excitement, new thrills, SOMETHING to make that emptiness less empty. Something to be really really excited about. He does not necessarily believe his lack of emotions for me comes from "emotional numbness", he genuinely sometimes feels that if he had the "right" job/partner/hobbies/friends/car/clothes etc etc etc then he will finally be happy. He has always had a element of this, however MUCH MORE SO after PTSD.
- Grown up in quite an abusive family, and has always had a tendency to seek abusive relationships. Mainly friendships. He always make questionable friendships where he has to "prove" himself worthy to a person/group of people. I can't think of one "healthy" "normal" relationship he has currently in his life.

What I can say however is, he has moments of confusion and then moments of enlightenment where he says "Its got nothing to do with you, I am not well. I just can't feel anything for anyone right now..its not you"
I think the more he attends therapy, the more he is forming an understanding of whats really going on.
We also spoke about "us", (on his own accord), and he explain to me that he wants me in his life, and he wants a future with me. However, as he is overwhelmed right now, symptoms are increasingly getting worse he has made it clear that "I need to be happy myself before I can make anyone else happy" "I need to feel better in myself before I can be in any other relationship". I thought that this was fair.

I just want to say that if I ever post anything on this forum and it comes across like I am not listening/not accepting/being selfish and so on, then please accept my apologies. Most of the post I make here is because, I myself have lack of support, and also because I am genuinely confused. Sometimes I just write here because I am trying to sort my own thoughts out, or trying to make sense of things,

Thanks again everyone for responses. Much love to you all.
 
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