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Dad called me on cell phone. was responsible for my abuse as a child. feedback from members here?

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littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
Hello :)

I could really use some feedback from people more experienced than I am.

I'm so sorry for how long this turned out to be. You can skim. I'm just incredibly confused.

I doubt people have been following my every move here (at least I hope not :P ), so I'm going to give some background, right here.

My dad does not like children. They make him uncomfortable and angry, because they don't listen and are hard to control. But he was willing to change diapers, apparently. According to my mother. He also did all chores because he didn't want kids to touch anything. I still have a mild fear of messing up TV's, radios, CD players. I'm terrified of things messing up, especially of light bulbs going out and water backing up.

If we did touch anything, we'd have our toys taken away, be punished with hitting and yelling, and be locked into our rooms for full days, without food or water.

He killed animals (usually accidentally, because he was hoarding literally hundreds of animals), and blamed it on my negligence, which the guilt still haunts me. I can't even peel potatoes without breaking down sometimes. Thanks, my college thesis, for proving that potatoes know when they're "injured"...

He banished my older sister (who is technically my half sister but I've never thought of her that way -- but she's my dad's step child) to the garage/laundry room and treated her like an alien.

My dad was abused as a child. His mom morphed him into a psychopath. He did awful things, but at times it was just yelling and hitting and constant bullying, and pitting my little brother and I against each other. His mom was worse than he was.

When I was very young, he got jealous of his "Friend" from his childhood. His Friend had been caught kidnapping young boys and occasionally girls, and leaving them in his garage or basement. His Friend had a wife, and both had at least one kid. Friend commit sexual crimes on the kids. I'm not sure what else.

When the Friend was caught and arrested, he got MASSIVE media attention. My dad... was jealous. He started coming up with plans to get himself as part of the story.

The first plan was to watch the news continuously until he was named a victim. This obviously never happened.

The second/third (my brain can't get the order right) thing he did was to insist that his Friend needed support, at least one friend. He started talking about writing him a letter. My mother told him he had better not. Maybe threatened to leave him if he did?

The third/second thing he did was insist that his Friend's wife must be feeling so alone and confused, and he should write her a letter. (If it had really been a secret from her...) My mom told him to leave that poor woman alone.

So my dad never got to be a part of that story.

But he was determined to find a way.

I should mention at this point that my dad has an extremely inflated idea of his own intelligence. He thinks he's so smart, that it's the only thing he consistantly puts onto his resumes. The rest are usually lies about his spacewalks and other things that are ridiculous and obvious lies, that he doesn't seem to understand that other people can see through. Psycho-type lies that mean nothing.

In reality, my dad is very unintelligent. He knows what he's read, but he can't use that information critically and he often needs help understanding basic things if it's not something that has to do with cars. His handwriting and speaking skills match that of a third grader's, and he had no idea what consequences are. He's not mentally retarded, exactly, but he is close to being a sevant, sort of. On top of this he doesn't understand any emotion, not even his own. Unless it's depression.

Being on drugs did not help my dad improve his intelligence, or empathy. But he was weirdly sly at times. For example, he managed two big, surprisingly elaborate plans for pity. Actually, to date, three. Only one of them worked, and unfortunately the police do not seem to believe others about it despite his bragging.

(When my dad's girlfriend didn't agree to marry him, he forced her to overdose on pills and alcohol. He was proud of himself for accomplishing this because she had a drug problem and was an alcoholic, so the investigation ruled it as her doing. She had a son, 13. Not sure what happened to him.)

My dad caused my mom to get breast cancer, which I know sounds ridiculous but he did. He forced her to rub this cream on her breast in the same spot every night, this stuff for menopausal women that's supposed to help with sex drive and painful sex. It had a huge warning on the front not to use it in certain situations, and it said it was a cancer risk. When my mom developed a tumor in that spot, he quit his job. No health insurance. My mom searched frantically and five years later finally got insurance and went to a hospital. By then, my mom's tumor had spread and she had terminal final stages of cancer.

My dad was incredibly proud of this. He couldn't get arrested.

The ONLY reason that plan failed was a literal miracle, which I won't get into right here except to say that an experimental treatment cured my mom of all cancer, though robbed her of the ability to walk properly (permanently damaged nerves).

My dad's other plan was to get famous by being an indirect victim. Being the parent of a kidnapped child.

While my mom was going through chemo, he sought out his "best friend," who was not the Friend from earlier. He was the Neighbor across the street. He was a pedophile who was in denial.

To keep this short and not graphic, my dad basically told me to Neighbor. I think he tried with my sister, who he hated, first. But failed and she also died (near death experience technically, but her heart did stop), but we got her back through more miricle.

My dad treated my little brother the worst, even with a sexual assault, but because he was my dad's favorite. In a way. I guess.

I don't know why he didn't pick my twin brother, but am thankful he didn't. He hated my twin, and would call him retarded. He wasn't, he was autistic and very intelligent. My twin couldn't talk to my dad, being deaf and autistic, and my dad ended up trying to disown him for converting to Christianity.

The Neighbor did let me go eventually but my dad had played the biggest role in that trauma, I feel.

On top of that, my dad made us so poor that I have numerous memories of trying to buy food with my mom and having to leave with nothing. Her side of the family is lower middle class, but not to the point of starvation exactly (though she had seven siblings and often was hungry). My dad's, though, was upper middle class that grew into upper class. Because his parents became famous musicians in classical music. But I grew up too poor to afford food, because my dad used all the money he got to buy things off eBay and other online stores, and to buy drugs and illegal pets.

He signed up for numerous credit cards under my mom's name and maxed them all out.

.


So, yeah, basically he's insane. But I truly feel that he's a real person somewhere. He doesn't seem to understand what permanece is, he doesn't understand that other people can get hurt. Literally, he just can't. So he can't be sorry, either.

He flirted with my sister's husband, which is just uncomfortable, until they cut him off. He tried to fix my mom's car once and ended up just making it have an oil leak. He takes things apart the way an unsupervised child does and gets hurt like a child would.

And despite being a literal child, he seems to feel bad for things at random times. He tries to relate to people occasionally and can't, he would shyly try to tell his kids they looked pretty or handsome (as in, he seemed to be afraid to say nice things), and today he tried to call me.

He called me and usually I feel he's trying to use me to prove that he has a good relationship with one child. He did that to my mom, with his exes. Would call up a ex to chat. To prove that he was actually a very likable character.

But this time he shyly said hello and seemed to want to talk. He talked about himself -- not surprising for a childish psychopath -- but did try to talk about things that would interest me. He told me he has a dog now (very weird... as that was the one animal he banned us from having as kids. No dogs, because he hated them).

One time in public he forgot my name and called me a similar sounding name. That similar sounding name is the name of his dog.

He talked about his friend who has a cow farm, and about the chickens who roam onto his land.

Things I would care about...

He said he'd call me later. I know I'm going to answer, but I'm feeling incredibly confused.

He hasn't felt dangerous to me for a long time. He's a child who was given adult responsibility, so it's not too weird that he'd go insane. Especially when drugs and alcohol got involved.

He is a psycho but he was raised to be. I think there's a real human in his head somewhere looking for acceptance that his mom never provided.

And I know better than to accept an apology. He doesn't even understand basic consequences most of the time.

But... the things he has done are glaringly awful. I know and have known several friends who were mentally retarded, and weren't psychopaths and didn't do such horrendous stuff.

My dad was violent. I have extremely clear memories of it. The reason my brother is deaf? Probably because a coatrack fell onto his ear when he was tiny, playing by the kitchen when my dad pushed my mom down. She landed on a coatrack and then onto my brother. He didn't stop fighting until he passed out in the very early morning. More than eight hours of violence.

I haven't met anyone else like that.

How am I supposed to reconcile this? I don't want him to be alone in the world. But he's my main abuser. Not the only one, but he literally recruited one of them. He made me grow up poor, which I still am and am afraid to call his parents for money like HE does.

He did this to himself, and normally I'd have no problem accepting that. But he's raised so badly, and he's literally unaware of his actions. He's very unintelligent.

Am I looking for permission that it's okay to be talking to him, though maybe not visiting him? Am I looking for confirmation that he's dangerous even though he's too unintelligent to know so?

I've hung out with his mom before. She's not right in the head herself. Somehow... a school teacher. Frightening.

Thoughts?
 
Run?

I don't know.... I guess I can see how you'd feel a connection and maybe some kind of obligation. And I'm pretty cynical. But I doubt he's changed and he sounds like the type where you never know what's going happen next, but there's a good chance it will be bad.

If he's asking his parents for money, wouldn't surprise me if he's planning on asking you next. He's responsible for his own stuff. If he wants to make amends, he needs to prove up first. I'd trust him about half as far as I could throw him. Sorry!
 
You have absolutely no obligation to speak with or interact with your father in any way, shape, or form.

I myself haven't spoken to my father in at least 8 years, and I have no plans on ever contacting him again. He even has tried getting back in contact with me, but I refuse to reciprocate, because of how much he wronged me, and how he never was sorry, never changed his ways, etc.

You can go no-contact with your father. It's okay. Lots of people do it. Nobody should feel like they have to contact their abuser, no mater who that person is.

The people who act like it's a bad thing to break contact with a parent, are the same people who have two good parents.
 
Hello :)

I could really use some feedback from people more experienced than I am.

I'm so sorry for...
I went on and read through. If you want to love him love him from a distance. Phone only. Don't buy any stories, don't buy any apologies. Just smile and nod. That's it. Then go on with your life. If he's gotten treatment yay for him and people in his future. But not you.
 
It really doesn’t sound like he’s ever going to have the capacity to have a healthy relationship with you.

There may be small windows of times where he might decide he’d like a relationship with you. But based on your post? He simple doesn’t have the capacity to pull that off.

If you sounded like you’d grieved at the loss of never having had a good father? I’d probably say that answering the odd phone call and exchanging basic pleasantries briefly? May help you feel like, however he’s behaved in the past, you can be proud of your own behaviour now as an adult, that has grieved and moved on.

Pulling that off safely? Is going to require you to be very clear with yourself on where your boundaries are, and (more importantly), being able to consistently enforce those behaviours in an emotionally charged relationship with someone who is seriously unwell and extremely manipulative.

But it doesn’t sound like that you’re at the point where you know how you feel, or that you’ve moved through that grief and developed a strong self-acceptance, independent of the traumatic past with this man. That comes with time and healing, and it will come.

It’s not necessarily a matter of “never take a phone call from this man ever again”, it’s more a case of “not ready to take phone calls from him right now”.

As part of the healing process, I think it will become clearer to you how you want to move on from your father. For different people, that can be anything from severing all contact permanently, to forgiving their abuser and setting a new relationship on their own terms, and everything in between. It’s an incredibly personal decision.

When you know what you want, for you? That’s when you decide if it’s safe to take phone calls, if you want to take phone calls, and if you do, the boundaries of those phone calls.

In the meantime, keeping space from our abuser? Allows us to heal. And you need to give yourself permission to heal. It’s okay to simply not take his calls right now, and leave that decision open for the future.
 
How am I supposed to reconcile this?
You are not. Would/did he protect you from being alone in the world? He was the parent you were the child. He failed in his obligations to you, which completely lets you off of the hook from owing him anything ever. It doesn't matter why, the man is dangerous. He is incapable of any introspection which means he will never change. You can't put yourself in harms way like that. He failed you as a parent and is not your responsibility. He doesn't deserve you. He deserves to be alone in the world where he can't hurt anyone else ever again. Maybe a deserted island somewhere.
 
Wow...So if I understand this he was a violent psychopath who caused
The death of a woman who tried to leave him
Your twin to lose his hearing during an adult temper tantrum
You and your siblings to starve
The death of animals that he then blamed on a child
Your mom to get breast cancer
The rape of your brother
And he gave you to the neighbor so that you could be repeatedly raped and make him famous

Did I cover it all?I'm

I'm sorry he had a tough life but he does not get a pass now just because he wants one. I think that it's pretty common for abused kids to make excuses for their abuser so your list of ways he should be excused for his behavior makes sense. But it's not true

And yet...he's your dad.

So how about this.....he proves to you that he has done something to take accountability for his actions....goes to police..attends therapy..gives you a handwritten note listing all the things he did to you and apologizing for them -- something that is a true example that he has changed

If he is willing to do that then he's worth a chance. If he's not? Then you are in the same position you were as a child...at the mercy of a psycho. But now you have a chance to escape.
 
Why does it sound to me like his whole goal was to make y'all's lives worse than his?

He doesn't deserve a chance with you as is. By any stretch of the imagination. But I've said my opinion. However You're grown and have the ability to make your own choices no matter what anybody says. ( I know how hard that is)
 
Thank you all :) Your responses are helping a lot.

I don't know why this is so confusing to me. I feel convinced that I'm making him sad by not interacting with him. Which is weird, since last we happened to run into him in public, he couldn't even remember my name.

When he has been around, he ignored us kids and kept harassing my mom. He stalked her on social media for a while until she finally abandoned it and then asked the entire family not to post anything about her unless we had unfriended him.

I feel like my dad is a chore. This is terrible, but it would literally be easier if he died. The last time I saw him, his hands were shaky and he was just a little hippy boy who was slightly afraid of his neighbor. If he ever needs a home for the physically/mentally disabled, who the hell will care for him? Honestly, he would be homeless without his step mom and his dad, who pity him and bought him a house.

Would I carry that guilt if I refused to help him? Because I'm not planning on taking on that financial burden, and he sure doesn't know that that's a thing.

On top of all this, I'm still getting over my ex, B, who totally warped my reality for 10 years (very long story short, literally having a fantasy world I wasn't allowed to say was fake). She had a thing against me talking to my dad. She'd get "protective" which meant that she would bang stuff around, throw stuff, and yell. I had to keep any interaction with my father secret.

My mom tried not to give an opinion one way or the other, but I felt a lot of guilt.

And my dad's parents said it was a shame that I wasn't talking to him.

I don't wish him a happy birthday, and I feel so guilty about it. I knew it was an option to not talk to him on his birthday, but I don't feel like it's an option to cut him out entirely. I'm not sure if I can make that kind of decision...
 
It's confusing because his behavior was what you thought of as normal when you were a kid. Now you know better. You've changed. He hasnt. Two versions of reality clashing?I

Would you feel guilty? Maybe. You are a caring person who doesn't want anyone to suffer..no matter how horrible they are. But you also know caring for him wouldn't be healthy for you. So it's a tough choice.
I would hope you follow the path that helps you the most...
 
@littleoc those conflicted feelings are natural. Feel free to ignore them, it's probably beneficial for you to do so.

I myself had conflicted feelings while knowing for a fact that my father was feeling really bad about the fact that neither of his kids contact him. Or at least, he's consistently acted like he feels bad - that could totally be just an act though, because I have no idea what his real feelings have ever been on anything. He was a really f*cking weird guy. Didn't say much, and he was impossible to probe into, and he was a great actor.

Last I heard, my dad thought I was 25. I'm 29. I was 28 when I heard that. He also had my sister's age wrong. That's a pretty big f*ck up IMO. If he forgot your name, it's pretty telling of the fact he doesn't actually care, like at all.

When he has been around, he ignored us kids and kept harassing my mom. He stalked her on social media for a while until she finally abandoned it and then asked the entire family not to post anything about her unless we had unfriended him.

This is exactly what I do, with my father. My sister does the same. We both blocked him and his family on all social media soon after we sent him to Oregon (we're in Alaska).

Don't feel guilty - he did a LOT of wrong to you. You can just throw any feelings of guilt right into the trash, where your father belongs. He's trash. Forget him. His family are either being idiots/f*cked up, or they don't know the depth of your father's shittyness. Ignore them when they say "it's a shame" that you don't contact him. He's not worth contacting. He's not worth worrying about. Don't feel guilty, even if other people act like it's bad that you don't contact them. They don't know what the f*ck they're talking about - just ignore them.

There is absolutely no reason on this earth that you should contact an abuser - no reason. Just because he's your father, doesn't mean he deserves contact. He's clearly demonstrated he really doesn't give a f*ck about you, don't feel bad about cutting contact. If it's hurting you, its definitely worth cutting contact.

Maybe I'm a bit extreme in my post, but I have pretty extreme feelings about bad parents not deserving any contact.
 
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