@Meadowsweet I can't write back now but I will, it's good of you to post and get it out there. :hug:
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I read somewhere that people who don't truly love themselves, and don't care for themselves the same way they would another, when they do things for others they act out of fear, to keep them from leaving them, or to gain something else in return, and that isn't who I want to be.
I think that if you're dealing with suicidal ideation right now, any reason to push yourself forward is good. If you need to live for others right now, then that is perfectly fine. Sometimes we have to take whatever hope we have and just run with it when we're in a bad frame of mind.
If you have positive somatic relationships, those times (course goes up and down) are far from worthless. Especially when you know the deep holes.
Everytime I see the subject of doing something for nothing in return, I think of true altruism. I know there was a thread on this a long time ago. If doing something for someone else makes you feel good, you are getting something from it.