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Assault Feeling Empty

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Hello Everyone,

This is my second post after introductions, and I hope I'm doing it correctly.

I feel very alone and empty. I hate myself. So much so that it is overwhelming. I feel like there is no escape from these feelings or from my life that has resulted from my assault. I wish I didn't feel this way but when it comes down to it, I wish my rapist had killed me. Instead of leaving me to pick up the peices. I have a hard time blaming him, in fact I wonder why he didn't just finish me off. Is it normal to feel that way? I feel weird and awkward that these thoughts are in my mind. I'm just so tired of dealing with the consequences. I feel like sleeping in bed all day.

I know I should be grateful that I'm alive. Able to come home to my husband and baby. But everything has changed now and everyday seems like a battle.

I wish everyone here finds a little peace today.

Xo
 
You are still here, you are brave. You not completely alone we are here and understand your feelings to a certain degree. Give yourself time and love yourself. Huge hugs and thinking of you. And by the sounds of it you are not staying in bed all day this a huge achievement trust me I know.
 
Sometimes I think that because our attackers were so hateful toward us, that in some way we take on that hate and aim it at ourselves too. To take that hatred and aim it toward oneself is like taking the role of the winner of that "round" of the fight. Does that make any sense? It is a hard thing to explain, but in essence we take on some aspect of their personality.

Knowing that for myself, it becomes a bit more easy for me to love myself.

We here do care. I love coming to this place. It is safe and the people are loving, so unlike our attackers. This is a healthy place for us to be in.
 
That does make sense. Thank you.
Reading that last comment about this place being safe and the people here being unlike our attackers made me cry.

It does feel like the attack left me with peices of him stuck in my mind like a thorn.
 
Hello Everyone,

This is my second post after introductions, and I hope I'm doing it correctly....

Hi Dawn,
I'm new here too. I relate to you and feel like I hate myself too. I have complex ptsd and it has taken over my life. I'm a victim/survivor of abuse from my mother, molested by my second cousin, raped, tortured & sodimized by my sons father for 13 years, and bullied and tortured in school. I suffer every single day and I've been away from it since the end of 1998. I dont know if you feel as if you can relate to me and if not, that's ok. Im looking for someone to talkk to that I can relate to and relates back. Either way, I hope you can find peace and start loving yourself : )
 
@Bernie1971, welcome to the forum!
There are many wonderful people here, always trying to support the best way possible. I hope being here helps you.

I am terribly sorry that your story has not been an easy one. You deserve to love yourself, to give and receive. It is a process and I hope this forum can be useful to your process, I know it has been for me.
 
@Bernie1971 if you ever need to talk, you can always message me. I may not be able to relate with every single one of your experiences, but I don't have to because they are yours and I can still be supportive. I can relate to most, and I can relate to being hurt by the ones who should love you. I can try my best to be there, to listen whole heartedly, although I do not think that one person can have all of the answers for this very complicated battle. I do believe a listening ear can be a huge blessing. May your path be filled with light and your heart filled with courage!
 
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