Hello everyone. I'm Dawn, married almost 20 years, with 6 kids. My husband has been a cop for the past 16 years and began manifesting PTSD and depression about 5 years ago. About a year ago, his boss and partner were murdered in an ambush. My husband was first on scene and had to walk through the men's blood and brain matter as he cleared the house in search of the shooter.
Because he had successfully used EMDR therapy 2 years earlier, he immediately got into counseling but stopped after 6 months when the worst of the nightmares and anxiety went away.
We just passed the one year anniversary of the shooting and I fully expected him to have a terrible time. He went to Police Week a few weeks after the anniversary and that was cathartic, too. Except that as time went on, his symptoms got worse, not better. I convinced him he needs to go back into counseling and get back on meds; he struggles with anger and our older children are already in counseling themselves to deal with the emotional terrorism he put them through during his first serious bout of PTSD and depression.
I'm grateful that my husband has the humility to listen to me and seek treatment. My struggle is his emotional detachment. For the first 13 years of our marriage, we had an incredibly close, loving relationship. He called me his bride and I told everyone how much I admired him. Of course we had disagreements, but overall he was my absolute best friend in the world. And he felt the same about me. His whole world was me and our children; he said that his favorite place to be was cuddled on the couch with me and all our children.
Now, he spends the majority of his time on his tablet or phone. If he wasn't sitting on the couch with the kids, I'd think it was porn, but instead it's Facebook and Twitter and websites and cop forums and news sites etc. He says that he does this to turn off his mind, because he's constantly in a state of high anxiety. He startles often and can't let anyone stand behind him. He has completely withdrawn socially; other than hanging out with other cops or soldiers, he doesn't want to do anything with anyone. And he's a naturally extroverted, gregarious guy.
I have tremendous compassion for him, because I know he's suffering. He described feeling so deeply unhappy; he said he's aware that he can't find joy or meaning in things that he did before, like our family and marriage, and it bothers him. He knows it's hard for us to live with his symptoms.
What is absolutely destroying me is the total withdrawal of his love and affection. This man was always so physically affectionate and emotionally engaged with me. Now that's gone. I see him trying to fake it for our kids sake, but he doesn't for me. There's no intimacy of any kind anymore--emotional or physical. When I've tried to get close to him, he's apathetic.
I was abandoned by my birth mother at 18 months and then grew up with a severely disturbed adoptive mother who withheld all signs of love. She was so abusive that I still have burns and scars all over my body from her; she nearly blinded me at age 4 by slamming my face through a window. And I have hearing loss from her, too.
Having had this background (which I've had extensive counseling for myself), my husband's withdrawal of love is killing me. His love language is acts of service, while quality time makes me feel loved. Well, it's very easy for me to make him feel loved by me; I only need to keep doing what I've always done for him. But I am starving for love, because he has no interest in me, in my life, our marriage, nothing. To have gone from our warm, supportive, and even still passionate marriage to this has been even worse than growing up as I did. Because at least I never expected love from my mother, but to have had it taken away is unspeakably painful. I cry constantly, often the pain is so great I nearly vomit from it. I feel completely unloved and abandoned by him. I have started seeing a counselor myself (secretly) because I can't find a way out of this pain. I constantly remind myself that he's sick, that he doesn't mean to hurt me. But knowing that hasn't stopped the agony. I try to keep up the facade for the sake of our kids, but I feel like I'm dying emotionally, as I wait until everyone else is asleep at night and then cry for hours. I carry around a constant loneliness that sits in my heart like a heavy stone. But there's no one to be angry with, and there's not going to be a quick fix.
I would greatly appreciate hearing from some other spouses who have gone through this and come out the other side. Because I can't seem to find any information about whether treatment will even work and if it does, when? Have I just lost my marriage forever? Even if he could get miraculously healed overnight, I fear there's going to be long-term effects on our relationship. The first time he was severely depressed with mild ptsd symptoms, I just stuffed the pain of being ignored and unwanted, but this time there's no escaping it because his behavior is so much more severe. Please tell me that there's hope for him to get better, and for our marriage to recover, too. I have read everything I can about ptsd and I'm doing everything that the articles recommend, but no one addresses these things. Apparently, if I just keep in mind that he's sick and he gets treatment, and I just do things like take care of myself and make sure I exercise and get out of the house, this is supposed to be bearable. Only it isn't.
Thanks for allowing me to talk and I appreciate any wisdom, guidance, or advice you might have for me.
Because he had successfully used EMDR therapy 2 years earlier, he immediately got into counseling but stopped after 6 months when the worst of the nightmares and anxiety went away.
We just passed the one year anniversary of the shooting and I fully expected him to have a terrible time. He went to Police Week a few weeks after the anniversary and that was cathartic, too. Except that as time went on, his symptoms got worse, not better. I convinced him he needs to go back into counseling and get back on meds; he struggles with anger and our older children are already in counseling themselves to deal with the emotional terrorism he put them through during his first serious bout of PTSD and depression.
I'm grateful that my husband has the humility to listen to me and seek treatment. My struggle is his emotional detachment. For the first 13 years of our marriage, we had an incredibly close, loving relationship. He called me his bride and I told everyone how much I admired him. Of course we had disagreements, but overall he was my absolute best friend in the world. And he felt the same about me. His whole world was me and our children; he said that his favorite place to be was cuddled on the couch with me and all our children.
Now, he spends the majority of his time on his tablet or phone. If he wasn't sitting on the couch with the kids, I'd think it was porn, but instead it's Facebook and Twitter and websites and cop forums and news sites etc. He says that he does this to turn off his mind, because he's constantly in a state of high anxiety. He startles often and can't let anyone stand behind him. He has completely withdrawn socially; other than hanging out with other cops or soldiers, he doesn't want to do anything with anyone. And he's a naturally extroverted, gregarious guy.
I have tremendous compassion for him, because I know he's suffering. He described feeling so deeply unhappy; he said he's aware that he can't find joy or meaning in things that he did before, like our family and marriage, and it bothers him. He knows it's hard for us to live with his symptoms.
What is absolutely destroying me is the total withdrawal of his love and affection. This man was always so physically affectionate and emotionally engaged with me. Now that's gone. I see him trying to fake it for our kids sake, but he doesn't for me. There's no intimacy of any kind anymore--emotional or physical. When I've tried to get close to him, he's apathetic.
I was abandoned by my birth mother at 18 months and then grew up with a severely disturbed adoptive mother who withheld all signs of love. She was so abusive that I still have burns and scars all over my body from her; she nearly blinded me at age 4 by slamming my face through a window. And I have hearing loss from her, too.
Having had this background (which I've had extensive counseling for myself), my husband's withdrawal of love is killing me. His love language is acts of service, while quality time makes me feel loved. Well, it's very easy for me to make him feel loved by me; I only need to keep doing what I've always done for him. But I am starving for love, because he has no interest in me, in my life, our marriage, nothing. To have gone from our warm, supportive, and even still passionate marriage to this has been even worse than growing up as I did. Because at least I never expected love from my mother, but to have had it taken away is unspeakably painful. I cry constantly, often the pain is so great I nearly vomit from it. I feel completely unloved and abandoned by him. I have started seeing a counselor myself (secretly) because I can't find a way out of this pain. I constantly remind myself that he's sick, that he doesn't mean to hurt me. But knowing that hasn't stopped the agony. I try to keep up the facade for the sake of our kids, but I feel like I'm dying emotionally, as I wait until everyone else is asleep at night and then cry for hours. I carry around a constant loneliness that sits in my heart like a heavy stone. But there's no one to be angry with, and there's not going to be a quick fix.
I would greatly appreciate hearing from some other spouses who have gone through this and come out the other side. Because I can't seem to find any information about whether treatment will even work and if it does, when? Have I just lost my marriage forever? Even if he could get miraculously healed overnight, I fear there's going to be long-term effects on our relationship. The first time he was severely depressed with mild ptsd symptoms, I just stuffed the pain of being ignored and unwanted, but this time there's no escaping it because his behavior is so much more severe. Please tell me that there's hope for him to get better, and for our marriage to recover, too. I have read everything I can about ptsd and I'm doing everything that the articles recommend, but no one addresses these things. Apparently, if I just keep in mind that he's sick and he gets treatment, and I just do things like take care of myself and make sure I exercise and get out of the house, this is supposed to be bearable. Only it isn't.
Thanks for allowing me to talk and I appreciate any wisdom, guidance, or advice you might have for me.