InvisibleSun
Confident
I've been having an issue for the past few weeks that I can't exactly explain and I'm experiencing things that I'm not quite sure are even possible. I'll start by giving a little bit of a back story on the situation and then go from there. If I begin to ramble, please forgive me.
I'm a victim of multiple traumas and multiple rapes. The last time I was raped was in 2009 and I was officially diagnosed with PTSD that same year. (Although, I had been having symptoms for most of my life.) Two weeks after my rape I met a man and shortly after we were in a relationship. He was a vet with PTSD and I was suffering with PTSD as well. Our relationship flourished in the beginning. We took things slow and he was sensitive to my needs. We waited to have sex for quite some time because of my discomfort and fear of intimacy. Eventually, we made love and it was a wonderful experience. In all honesty, it was probably the best sexual experience of my entire life. I will never regret it..
Our relationship went well for awhile and then just fell apart. He became cold, distant, angry, paranoid and isolated. A completely different person. And the sex changed as well. What went from being safe, open, intimate and comfortable turned somewhat aggressive and volatile. Instead of feeling good, it just became painful. And instead of seeing love in his eyes..I either saw anger or nothingness. I will never forget the look in his eyes..it's like he hated me. He usually avoided looking me in the eye for too long, tho, and if he accidently made too much eye contact he would just move me like a rag doll to a different position so that he didn't have to look at me. He took complete control of our sexual encounters and I was just expected to lay there and take it. I dissociated most of the time, but eventually I ended up having a flashback during sex and things became worse when he began appearing in my nightmares. Now raping me..instead of making love . Yet, I continued to sleep with him. I don't know why. I just wanted sex to feel safe again and I guess maybe I thought that if I kept sleeping with him, things would go back to the way they used to be. We eventually broke up, but sex has never been the same and it is an experience that I almost always disconnect from..even though, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man.
Really long story short, fast forward six years later, I saw him at a wedding recently and he triggered my symptoms I do believe. But I'm not quite sure if that is even possible. Can a consensual sexual act be traumatizing?! Have I somehow connected him to my trauma in an indirect way?! Why would this happen..especially after all these years?!
Any thoughts?! I'm very confused...
I'm a victim of multiple traumas and multiple rapes. The last time I was raped was in 2009 and I was officially diagnosed with PTSD that same year. (Although, I had been having symptoms for most of my life.) Two weeks after my rape I met a man and shortly after we were in a relationship. He was a vet with PTSD and I was suffering with PTSD as well. Our relationship flourished in the beginning. We took things slow and he was sensitive to my needs. We waited to have sex for quite some time because of my discomfort and fear of intimacy. Eventually, we made love and it was a wonderful experience. In all honesty, it was probably the best sexual experience of my entire life. I will never regret it..
Our relationship went well for awhile and then just fell apart. He became cold, distant, angry, paranoid and isolated. A completely different person. And the sex changed as well. What went from being safe, open, intimate and comfortable turned somewhat aggressive and volatile. Instead of feeling good, it just became painful. And instead of seeing love in his eyes..I either saw anger or nothingness. I will never forget the look in his eyes..it's like he hated me. He usually avoided looking me in the eye for too long, tho, and if he accidently made too much eye contact he would just move me like a rag doll to a different position so that he didn't have to look at me. He took complete control of our sexual encounters and I was just expected to lay there and take it. I dissociated most of the time, but eventually I ended up having a flashback during sex and things became worse when he began appearing in my nightmares. Now raping me..instead of making love . Yet, I continued to sleep with him. I don't know why. I just wanted sex to feel safe again and I guess maybe I thought that if I kept sleeping with him, things would go back to the way they used to be. We eventually broke up, but sex has never been the same and it is an experience that I almost always disconnect from..even though, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man.
Really long story short, fast forward six years later, I saw him at a wedding recently and he triggered my symptoms I do believe. But I'm not quite sure if that is even possible. Can a consensual sexual act be traumatizing?! Have I somehow connected him to my trauma in an indirect way?! Why would this happen..especially after all these years?!
Any thoughts?! I'm very confused...