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Sexual Assault What Is This?!

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InvisibleSun

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I've been having an issue for the past few weeks that I can't exactly explain and I'm experiencing things that I'm not quite sure are even possible. I'll start by giving a little bit of a back story on the situation and then go from there. If I begin to ramble, please forgive me.

I'm a victim of multiple traumas and multiple rapes. The last time I was raped was in 2009 and I was officially diagnosed with PTSD that same year. (Although, I had been having symptoms for most of my life.) Two weeks after my rape I met a man and shortly after we were in a relationship. He was a vet with PTSD and I was suffering with PTSD as well. Our relationship flourished in the beginning. We took things slow and he was sensitive to my needs. We waited to have sex for quite some time because of my discomfort and fear of intimacy. Eventually, we made love and it was a wonderful experience. In all honesty, it was probably the best sexual experience of my entire life. I will never regret it..

Our relationship went well for awhile and then just fell apart. He became cold, distant, angry, paranoid and isolated. A completely different person. And the sex changed as well. What went from being safe, open, intimate and comfortable turned somewhat aggressive and volatile. Instead of feeling good, it just became painful. And instead of seeing love in his eyes..I either saw anger or nothingness. I will never forget the look in his eyes..it's like he hated me. He usually avoided looking me in the eye for too long, tho, and if he accidently made too much eye contact he would just move me like a rag doll to a different position so that he didn't have to look at me. He took complete control of our sexual encounters and I was just expected to lay there and take it. I dissociated most of the time, but eventually I ended up having a flashback during sex and things became worse when he began appearing in my nightmares. Now raping me..instead of making love . Yet, I continued to sleep with him. I don't know why. I just wanted sex to feel safe again and I guess maybe I thought that if I kept sleeping with him, things would go back to the way they used to be. We eventually broke up, but sex has never been the same and it is an experience that I almost always disconnect from..even though, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man.

Really long story short, fast forward six years later, I saw him at a wedding recently and he triggered my symptoms I do believe. But I'm not quite sure if that is even possible. Can a consensual sexual act be traumatizing?! Have I somehow connected him to my trauma in an indirect way?! Why would this happen..especially after all these years?!

Any thoughts?! I'm very confused...
 
There have been other posts on the forum relating to triggers connecting. So, for example, say a particular scent is a trigger for you and on one occasion you suffer a severe flashback brought on by the scent. But while you are having the flashback a particular noise occurs. Later just the noise can be enough to trigger you. There was some really useful stuff about how to 'undo' these secondary triggers as well.

@FridayJones - do you remember the discussion I'm talking about? Anyone else able to post a link to it for @InvisibleSun?
 
Can a consensual sexual act be traumatizing

I don't think it compares to the original version. But I relate to something like this. Slept with a guy, even after we decided no sex on the first date. Well we did it and I felt fuzzy and confused and angry. He freaked me out. Called later to invite me on a trip. NO. In this case I felt partly retraumatized because, even if I had consented, it was then that I learned how weak my boundaries were...and I was afraid of that. Consent or no consent...it would end up the same for me. But I wanted something different and didn't know how to make it happen. I didn't know how to improve boundaries. I thought I had. I quit dating. Anyway, it relates some to earlier assaults in that I just gave up...when I could have held boundaries. Scary to feel yourself stuck in that pattern. Not sure if that relates to what you're saying....
 
I felt partly retraumatized because, even if I had consented, it was then that I learned how weak my boundaries were...and I was afraid of that.

I can absolutely relate to this..I continued to maintain a sexual relationship with a man that was hurting me on so many different levels. Not intentionally, because his own PTSD hindered his ability to love and form close intimate relationships..I knew that, yet I kept going back...and it wasn't until sometime later that I realized just how weak i was, which is what scared me the most.

So I went to my psychiatrist today and we discussed my situation at length. He believes that this man triggered me. Because I was with him during the worst of my symptoms and so soon after major sexual trauma, I was more vulnerable to being retraumatized. And because intimacy with him began as something that was safe and loving with someone that I thought I could trust, I was subsequently retraumatized when it turned into something cold, aggressive, and out of my control. In my mind, instead of experiencing intimacy, I was being raped again. An emotional trauma, shall I say. And that makes sense to me. When he looked into my eyes..all I saw was anger and hate. The exact same look as my rapists.. Always the same cold, icy stare...and it hated me. Haunted me. Eventually, this triggered a flashback during sex and progressed to his presence in my nightmares. He (my doctor) thinks I continued to sleep with him in hopes to regain the loving experiences we once had before. Unfortunately, the opposite happened, and created the situation I have today. I hope I was able to explain this well, I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of it myself.

He explained to me that sometimes with combat PTSD, the sex can become very distant, cold, and even aggressive and controlling because vets often have difficulty with emotional closeness and intimacy, more so than with other forms of the disorder. Which could in turn traumatize an already vulnerable sexual assault survivor with severe PTSD. When I saw him at the wedding, he was a complete wreck and it was apparent to me that his disorder had gotten significantly worse. He scared me and made me so nervous..his cold, angry, and tense demeanor was unlike anything that I had ever seen and my psychiatrist thinks that's part of what triggered me..

Uggh! What a mess...I know this is something that I can't help, but I just feel ridiculous! Like this is something I should be over by now or whatever. But the worst part is that in every other way, I am. I am in a great relationship with a man that I love very much and with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. This other man is just an after thought..except for this. One day that will change, though....one day.

Thanks for all the replies everyone!
 
Because I was with him during the worst of my symptoms and so soon after major sexual trauma, I was more vulnerable to being retraumatized.

This makes sense to me, too. When I sobered up I had a horrible time being triggered even with a guy who really cared. He was just a little too aggressive (not in a bad way, but more like overly eager) and I just couldn't handle any sex really without being drunk. And I wasn't able to even talk about any of it with my therapist at the time. I started starving again, became distant, and he dumped me. Not really ideal, but I was definitely triggered and not able to resolve it at the time.

sometimes with combat PTSD, the sex can become very distant, cold, and even aggressive and controlling because vets often have difficulty with emotional closeness and intimacy,

This makes sense too. I'm not a combat vet but I relate to being distant and having difficulties with closeness and intimacy, for sure (just not aggressive or controlling). Very much a PTSD thing and certainly makes for confusing relationships!!

I am in a great relationship with a man that I love very much and with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with.

This is excellent...such a blessing.
 
I'm not a combat vet but I relate to being distant and having difficulties with closeness and intimacy, for sure (just not aggressive or controlling). Very much a PTSD thing and certainly makes for confusing relationships!!

Yes it does..I have issues with these things as well..they just manifested themselves differently. What my psych doc said made a lot of sense to me too. He said that it was good that I got out of that relationship when I did and I agree. He explained to me the reason that he became controlling and aggressive during sex was because of the massive amount of adrenaline his brain was releasing due to his PTSD and being in a state of sexual arousal, which also causes a surge of adrenaline. Which also makes sense.

I still don't know if a consensual sexual act can traumatize..but this definitely f*cked me up. Sex has never been the same for me. A very numb, emotionally distant experience.. I spent a lot of time after therapy yesterday writing about these experiences in my trauma diary and it really helped me sort through my emotions and grasp a better understanding of what has happened to me. It was just so angry..so rough and relentless. I dissociated most of the time..but I'll still never forget the look in his eyes. That same cold, icy, tense stare I'd seen in the eyes of all my rapists..

I am so blessed for my boyfriend..he has been there for me through so much..I couldn't imagine being in his position and having to deal with me on a daily basis. He has been such a positive influence on my recovery and I couldn't imagine having the strength to make it through this without him. Ironically enough, he is best friends with the man that I am speaking of in this thread, which makes this a really tricky situation. My doctor said that I should wait until I'm in a more stable place before I approach him about this. I just don't know how to begin to explain this to him, though. But I'll just cross that bridge when I get there..
 
Oh he knows..that's how I met him actually. Him and I became friends over the course of my relationship with this other guy..and just happened to hit it off after we split up. And we've been together ever since.
 
Well at least the fact of the relationship won't be a surprise to him. :hug: if you accept them and I hope if /when you broach it with him it brings you closer.
 
So I've done a lot of thinking about this whole situation and I don't think I'm going to tell my boyfriend about this unless I absolutely have to. I hate the idea of hiding something from him, but I'm really embarrassed about this, even though I know this is something I can't help. And I know he wouldn't understand anyway, which would just create further embarrassment for me. Plus, I don't want to risk creating any tension or awkwardness between the two of them. So, I think it may be best for me if I just dealt with this particular problem on my own. And best for everybody else involved..

Btw, @FridayJones, I meant to thank you for posting the link to the Stressors vs Triggers thread. Very informative and helpful!
 
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