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Therapist Retiring & Im Feeling Lost

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falling_wave

MyPTSD Pro
So the dreaded conversation happened. My T is retiring. It won't be all at once but I'll see her less for a while before I lose her. The schedule has been all crazy recently and I could feel this coming. I have great rapport with her but I've felt the conversation is a little more choppy than usual which has been bugging me but I think it's because I've been unconsciouly fearing that I'll lose her. Also I've been really regressing into depression with a general feeling of lonliness and isolation. I kept worrying that I was dissapointing her after all our time together and a small part of me wonders if it's just an excuse for her terminating with me in a way I will be more okay with. I know she cares about me and I think she would be honest with me but it's a side fear of mine. I've really come to depend on my T emotionally just recently going through this transition where I literally have lost everyone else in my life. I know the dependence would get less when I get more people in my life despite that she means the world to me. I don't reach out hardly ever and I respect boundaries despite wanting to see her. I really cried when I found out and I told her so many things about what it means to me talking with her. I've always been embarrassed to tell her before and I think she just understood. I feel so childish reacting with such desperation and I'm glad I told her but thats embarrassing too. I just don't know where I go from here. It feels like such a huge loss to me even though I still have some time spaced out. Another therapist isn't an option for me financially and I don't think I'd want to start over. When I think about coping all the time feeling how I do now it feels desperately exhausting just to survive. I have a good job and everything I need to be okay but I'm burned out and really need someone and a real connection to keep me going. I guess I just need support and guidance from this. I want to talk and I really need a hug but there's no one to go to. I want to take some time off work but I can't let them think I'm in competant and I just feel life is so tiring. I just don't want to face losing her. It feels like I'm reacting to all all the losses in my life all at once and I'm really not strong enough.
 
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I'm so sorry, falling wave. I've lost two therapists to retirement since PTSD. It was so very hard. I cried and mourned, too. And it was very hard for me to get going with a new therapist each time, but I did, because I was desperate. The nice thing was, though, that each one reached out to me after they retired. The first one, who initially diagnosed me, initiated a meeting with me at a park one time to see how I was doing. The second one moved to Hawaii and would email me photos for awhile. It's so not easy but you can get a new one up to speed with you when you're ready.
 
Thanks for the encouragement @hodge. It just seems like such a bad time. I've been feeling emotionally and physically just tired all the time and it's been taking so much out of me with loss issues. We've been talking a lot about that and then now it's her too. Everytime I think about it or remember my desperate attempt to tell her everything before she leaves me I start sobbing again from very deep. All my appetite is gone. It's been two years and she is the one person who knows me and who I trust. It's not like we haven't got anywhere together. I've completely resolved multiple big issues but it's mostly recurrent struggles. How long did the grief stay this strong for you? I hope my T will stay in touch. She seems to be pretty professional with boundaries so I don't know if she would do that but I hope so. We definitely have a good enough connection.
 
I feel your hurt and pain. Its not easy, it sucks when we lose a T for whatever reason. It has been a few months since I had to stop seeing my old T and even though my new T is fantastic and is a much better fit for me than my old one I still miss her. I have been lucky that I am allow to occasionally txt my old T ....... but I really want to see her and am hoping down the track a bit I may be able to. I don't know if it makes it harder having contact with them or not. But we have such a close relationship with our T's that is so different to any other relationship in our lives and letting them go hurts. I am sorry I don't really have any advice for you, just I understand all the feeling you have.
 
I don't remember the grief lasting very long, maybe a couple of months. But that's probably because I dug back in and soon found a new T. And then I had to go over everything again with her. It helped me to write out a list of my traumas and give it to her. That way, I didn't have to verbally say everything all over again. Though we did have to talk about my unresolved feelings, issues, etc.
 
Thanks, I had a busy work day today and feeling more acceptance. I am still sad when I think about it but I am okay. I have been counting days before I can talk with her just to get to my once week appointments so I'm sure when those days come up it'll all build again but feeling encouraged that with a new day I'm feeling less like catastrophizing the situation. I appreciate both of you offering support when I was desperately needing it yesterday.
 
I'm sorry @falling_wave that will be hard especially with you feeling like you might need more assistance right now, but her giving less. I wonder how that will look and if it turns out okay for you, may be easier than you think, or really hard. (Post here! We'll support you). At least she'll be around for referral/information's sake if you need to transition to someone else more quickly.
 
Happened to me earlier in the year. Mine got me signed on with another guy. It ended up fine and probably even a little better bc he already knew my story and perhaps we were stagnant. As well, it has forced me to confront that trust and vulnerability thing that I so hate. Also, with my last T I kind of wrote what happened and this guy wants me to "talk" about it which is totally f*cked up if you ask me... Lol. He also realizes that I may or may not be able to do this on a timeframe and that it will just happen when it can so until then we work on grounding exercises and positive thinking. I wouldn't suggest taking time off if I were you. I just went on to this guy and didn't break and it was probably best. Had I taken a break I may not have gone back. Just my humble opinion.
 
that will be hard especially with you feeling like you might need more assistance right now, but her giving less.

Yes this is the hardest part. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed in my feelings and I want to call her for help calming down but I just remember that I can't call her and tell her I'm in crisis because of losing her. Well I guess I could but I would rather not.

(Post here! We'll support you).

Thank you! Sometimes posting here is the only thing that reminds me I am still connected with others who care. I really appreciate all of your support and encouragement here.

@Biz I'm so glad you found someone who works better for you. If I found someone else it would be for like 13 sessions and done and I would have trouble affording it. I still have this T spread out in sessions for a while so I am hoping I can eventually learn to be okay without therapy. I get three free sessions with a therapist a year through work so I could always use those if I had a major issue in the next year. I think it's just so hard because we really aren't stagnant yet. I have connected so well with her and I can just say anything at all about what's bothering me and know it will be okay. That connection makes me take risks and trust her so what she says and her guidance are highly influential in my life for the positive. I really will be okay but it hard.
 
I understand what you are going through. It is very difficult to start over and I also have medical insurance that pays for so many sessions then it is over so I understand how that feels as well.

I agree that you do have to find another therapist once you have managed to grieve the loss of your beloved therapist.

It is so true that in the healing process you will have alot of changes in therapists for one reason or another. i had many different therapist some good and some bad and outpatient programs and many different kinds of support groups. Some helped and some did not. But I learned something in all of the changes.

I wish the very best for you and once you do begin to start over, the suggestion to write your story down on paper as you begin again, will be a very good tool to help you to break the ice.

One time I had a psychiatrist that was really helping me and he died and that was very traumatic for me. Do not give up on your healing and recovery process ok?
 
Thanks @gizmo thanks for the encouragement. I definitely will not give up on my recovery but it's overwhelming to think of a new therapist right now. The trouble it would take to even get in makes me not want to plus it would probably be a new graduate. It just doesn't give me confidence. Mine has been practicing a really long time. I'm going to see my T this week and she said we could talk more about it but I'm thinking she won't bring it up unless I do. I'm scared to talk about it but I wouldn't want to leave without doing it. Any ideas on how to productively frame it when I bring it up? I don't really want to talk to her about referrals or whatever yet. I just want to talk about how to process losing her. I have a mid week appointment and already I'm counting the days with myself to get me there. Sigh.
 
Just wanted to share with you guys my good news. My T said she will continue to see me just more spread out than I'm used to. It's not going to stop anytime soon. I was so embarrassed that I showed her the hard time I was having about losing her so I didn't address it the next session. Towards the end she told me she knew I was upset about it before and she wanted me to talk about it. We processed it a bit and she was trying to comfort me by saying I've done it before. I actually shared with her that it's not comforting because it was a serious struggle each time. She told me she is not leaving me and we will do what we need to get me through this. She know calls me for a check in on weeks we don't meet. I really love that when I'm struggling she talks about things in terms of "we". It makes me feel like we are a team and she's in it with me. I also feel like my hyper alert anxiety response settled after talking. She didn't even hesitate after I said how hard it was she just said okay then I will call on off weeks. It was really healing that she was so attuned to my needs and accomodating. That was two weeks ago. I've been doing SO much better since then. I feel like I've suddenly made way more progress than I have in a long time. I think not telling her about my fear for the relationship was holding me back big time. It's such a relief and I'm so glad I still have her regardless of how much.
 
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