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Just Need To Get This Out.

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The trail of destruction caused by my mother just goes on and on and on. I wouldn't even be with a woman if I hadn't been abused by HER.
 
Yup. Being an ar*e to me again today. Trying to explain to her I'm struggling to run here there and everywhere for both of us. Pissed off at me now because I am not strong enough to carry the food shopping up the stairs as a certain company won't carry it up the stairs like they used to. She doesn't even wash the dishes. All she does is list stuff on ebay and wraps it. I post the stuff, do all the food shopping, go to my doctor /dietitian /dental /therapy /legal appointments, keep the flat clean, get other necessary items from outside etc etc etc. I'm exhausted. I can't even sleep properly as she insists on leaving the tv on several hours after i go to sleep. I think I have cabin fever. I don't really know how much more I can take.

This isn't the ptsd, I would feel the same if I didn't have it.

I wish I had someone else to live with.

I am so depressed in her company. I am much more content early in the morning when she's asleep.

I blame myself for being stuck in this situation. I should have been adult about it when I was 25 and found a place on my own. But then she would have been homeless. Technically she should be looking for work. There is nothing wrong with her. Just obesity. And depression. If I wasn't here the depression would probably go.

Now I know I'm not even gay.

What a complete disaster.

I chose the WRONG PATH. And now I'm paying for it.

Surely she must realise I don't want to be with her. She must be in denial. If I was her, I'd think "to hell with this person", lose the weight, get a job and move the fu*k away. Sometimes because this has gone on for sooooo long, it feels like it will never change. But it has to. For my health. For my sanity.

My heart fu*king hurts. I feel like a prisoner. I'm caught in a trap. An invisible cage.
 
Research Codependency.

The same thing that stopped you at 25 is stopping you now... You're taking responsibility for her life, instead of allowing her to be responsible for her own life.

You are not responsible for where your ex-girlfriend lives, works, shops, etc. You are not responsible for your ex-girlfriend's health, financial situation, social network, self esteem, list goes on. She's a person, not a pet or a child.

Either she's an adult & can figure things out on her own, or you can call social services & have her taken into care if she's truly incompetent. It doesn't sound like it, though.
 
Thank you, you are right, she is definitely not incompetent! She is 45 now and fully aware of what she is doing. She knows and when I tried to explain to her that I hate living this way she went into manipulative mode pretending to be caring and trying to tell me everyone in this city is unhappy. Nonsense! Then tried to blame it on me waiting for psychology. That is not the main issue. The main issue is her.

Will be talking about everything to them when I return. God, I can't wait to see the look on their face. I have kept this all very well hid. Insisting she doesn't live here and is my carer and supports me. Just wait till they hear the truth. Fu*k.
 
My heart sinks when she wakes up. I am so down. I wish I could disappear.
 
I really don't think anyone else would have put up with this for as long as I have. She has taken advantage of the fact I am ill.

I haven't had sex with another human for ten years now because of her.

She has the window wide open on a regular basis, I am stuck in the one room with her. And I am freezing. And there is a bad smell from her because she NEVER washes herself. It is a cheese like odour.

This is utterly pathetic. I have urges to attack her (but of course, never have and won't). Incredibly difficult way of life. Emailed samaritans tonight and going to email some other places tomorrow for advice.

I hate my life.
 
Amazing. Now she has just closed the window. I wonder, is she reading this. Hmm.

If you are, can you please go find somewhere else to f*cking stay now? Thanks!

Take it you love making me miserable. F*CK YOU. >:(
 
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