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- #661
My daughter is okay. Her knee is a rainbow of color, front and back, but she could bend it a little today which is GREAT news. May mean it is just badly bruised but no tendon or ligament damage. I am keeping fingers crossed. She missed her whole soccer season last year due to an injury, and she has about a month before the new season begins. I am grateful that we are worrying about soccer and not something dreadful.
She refuses to go back to the beach where it happened, so I'm letting that sit for a day or two, but we will need to return. We did this with my son when he had the bad car accident...went and saw the site and the damage. Had him drive the same route. It was helpful it seems. It would probably be good for me too. Perhaps tomorrow when my husband can go with us and drive.
I cannot stop seeing and thinking about the lady who hit my daughter. Such pathos. She had tie boat shoes and a golf skirt and a pastel patchwork polo shirt. Her legs were very white and thin with lots of veins and bumps as elderly people tend to have. She was sagging as she stood there in front of us. Face slack. I hope she has family to support her through this. I'm sending her lovingkindness and it makes me feel better to do that.
I am feeling very shaky today. But I am balancing keeping moving with the compelling desire to dive under the covers of my bed and sleep for about 40 hours. The birth family will come over at 4:30. They are bringing a balloon for my daughter, and the girls will hang out together--they seemed to get along really really well. Both delighted to discover a girl cousin of the same age!
I will have a chance to hang out and get to know S & J a bit before my husband gets back. He will cook dinner...I'll just get everything ready and tidy up a bit so things aren't too chaotic. I am not going to clean much. Don't have that in me, but I can do food and a bit of tidy.
Just doing one thing at a time today. Now that I am more conscious of my usual meltdown pattern after a crisis, I am doing what I can to stay centered. It is very hard. This thing has churned up a lot of muck in my system. Maybe it was good for some reason. I have to find some sort of meaning...I always do. That's what helps me heal. Can't find the meaning in my childhood trauma stuff yet which is, perhaps, why things are still so problematic.
My birth mother thought I would be very angry and resentful and bitter. I don't know why I am not. I never have felt that way. I've mostly seen the whole mess through her point of view, and I told her that. I feel so badly for what happened to her. She feels badly for giving me up. And she was made to feel like an evil outcast by both her family and the nuns. She feels it was her fault that her father died while she was in the "home for orphans and unwed mothers." Her mother suggested that it was her fault. She says she has felt like a bad person all her life. I cannot imagine this. Even with all the problems I have with a sense of self, I don't feel BAD. I don't feel like I deserve bad things to happen to me. Mostly I just feel confused and abandoned and sad.
I'm going to stop dumping about this on this diary. It's feeling like a bit too much all around. Yuck.
She refuses to go back to the beach where it happened, so I'm letting that sit for a day or two, but we will need to return. We did this with my son when he had the bad car accident...went and saw the site and the damage. Had him drive the same route. It was helpful it seems. It would probably be good for me too. Perhaps tomorrow when my husband can go with us and drive.
I cannot stop seeing and thinking about the lady who hit my daughter. Such pathos. She had tie boat shoes and a golf skirt and a pastel patchwork polo shirt. Her legs were very white and thin with lots of veins and bumps as elderly people tend to have. She was sagging as she stood there in front of us. Face slack. I hope she has family to support her through this. I'm sending her lovingkindness and it makes me feel better to do that.
I am feeling very shaky today. But I am balancing keeping moving with the compelling desire to dive under the covers of my bed and sleep for about 40 hours. The birth family will come over at 4:30. They are bringing a balloon for my daughter, and the girls will hang out together--they seemed to get along really really well. Both delighted to discover a girl cousin of the same age!
I will have a chance to hang out and get to know S & J a bit before my husband gets back. He will cook dinner...I'll just get everything ready and tidy up a bit so things aren't too chaotic. I am not going to clean much. Don't have that in me, but I can do food and a bit of tidy.
Just doing one thing at a time today. Now that I am more conscious of my usual meltdown pattern after a crisis, I am doing what I can to stay centered. It is very hard. This thing has churned up a lot of muck in my system. Maybe it was good for some reason. I have to find some sort of meaning...I always do. That's what helps me heal. Can't find the meaning in my childhood trauma stuff yet which is, perhaps, why things are still so problematic.
My birth mother thought I would be very angry and resentful and bitter. I don't know why I am not. I never have felt that way. I've mostly seen the whole mess through her point of view, and I told her that. I feel so badly for what happened to her. She feels badly for giving me up. And she was made to feel like an evil outcast by both her family and the nuns. She feels it was her fault that her father died while she was in the "home for orphans and unwed mothers." Her mother suggested that it was her fault. She says she has felt like a bad person all her life. I cannot imagine this. Even with all the problems I have with a sense of self, I don't feel BAD. I don't feel like I deserve bad things to happen to me. Mostly I just feel confused and abandoned and sad.
I'm going to stop dumping about this on this diary. It's feeling like a bit too much all around. Yuck.