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My Story

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This is going to be really long. My mom died when I was 19 and then my dad died when I was 22. I was living at home at the time and still in school with no way to support myself so I moved in with my aunt and her family until I could figure something out. Everything was normal up until after my dad's funeral and it all went to shit. I graduated from the school I was attending but I had some trouble finding a job. My aunt became very verbally abusive. She would type up LONG notes on the computer and print them out and leave them by the sink in the bathroom for me. She would tell me how I was basically a worthless excuse for a human. She said I thought I was better than the rest of the family because I wasn't working. Even though I WAS looking for work, it wasn't like I didn't care. She threatened to change the locks on me and said I was really ungrateful for all she had done to help me out. She even said it was my fault that my parents died because I was such a burden! I told her I was afraid of her, and she basically said I had no right to be because I brought the whole thing on myself. Her mantra was "if you think I'm so bad just leave." I fantasized about killing myself, I wanted to park my car in the garage and turn it on and just wait. But I knew it wouldn't happen because I parked on the street. The only reason I didn't threaten my aunt with killing myself is because I knew she would have told me to go for it. After about 6 months I ended up moving in with my grandmother until I got situated in my new job and found a roommate. And I haven't spoken to my aunt since. The last I ever heard from her she told me I owed her $50 for some medical bill since I was on her insurance. She didn't ask me how I was doing with my new job or anything, she just wanted the money.
Anyway almost 10 years later and I'm still not over it. I have a phobia of notes that are left for me, usually by roommates or whoever. I expect a threat when I see one, even though they're almost always harmless. For the past couple years or so I have nightmares about my aunt every couple months. I never remember what they're actually about, just that I see HER and I'm filled with terror. And I can't handle it when people go off on me. A few months ago my best friend from work called me up almost out of nowhere to cuss me out about something stupid and I'm still not over it. He was projecting his own issues onto me but that's a different story. I seriously felt like he was attacking me. He was so angry and I couldn't get a word in so I ended up attacking him back over Facebook later. I realize NOW I should have just TOLD him I was really uncomfortable and he needed to stfu but at the time all I could think about was how I wanted to beat the shit out of him. Even though I would never be stupid enough to actually try, aside from the fact that I would get fired and probably arrested too I could never pull it off anyway since he's bigger than me. I even had a nightmare where he pushed me away and said gtfo my life I hate you. I called him on that and that started another argument. I ended up panicking and apologizing, saying I never wanted to hurt him. I'm not so sure I should have done that. It may not have been right to bitch him out like I did but it wasn't like I had bad dreams on purpose. For his part he did eventually apologize too and say he never wanted to scare me and he wasn't mad at ME personally. But I never believed him. The way I see it, if he wasn't mad at ME, it wouldn't have come up at all. Anyway at this point I guess things are at least polite between us, I recently had a small medical scare and he was happy to hear it was a false alarm. So that was nice. But I'm still scared something could happen again.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, I guess I just need to vent. I'm curious what your thoughts are. I don't have an official diagnosis or anything. When my dad died my therapist and I discussed PTSD in relation to his death. At the time, for example, I was having nightmares about being trapped in graveyards. But the stuff with my aunt didn't start affecting me until years later. Which seems strange.
 
With pstd it can manifest when the incident happens some take years and some don't remember there stuff fron the past till years later I'm still trying to fill stuff in from my story
 
I guess it makes sense. When my dad died I had to deal with it right away but when I got away from my aunt I suppressed all the bad memories of what went on. So that's probably why it comes out with the nightmares and stuff.
 
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