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Relationship No Longer Just Benign Neglect

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Wastinglight

MyPTSD Pro
Well, I don't know what to say. It feels to me like our relationship has been gradually getting worse, since we started living together about 7 months ago. Or is it? I'm feeling so stressed I don't trust my feelings right now.

First he was just emotionally distant. Now he is increasingly irritable, critical, negative, nit-picking, and sometimes just plain mean. I know this isn't him, but I don't know what to do about it.

I've been trying to discuss it with him, but it's like he's made of teflon - everything I say (and I do my utmost to bring issues up in a respectful way) just gets thrown back at me. I feel like he thinks all the blame for what's happening lies with me.

He doesn't yell or get drunk or call me names or anything like that, but he almost never says anything nice or loving to me either. Any positive that I find in a situation, or if I tell him about something good that's happened to me, he will always find the negative, or else just cut me down, or minimise my successes.

Right now, I feel like I'm trapped under a huge boulder, and the weight of it is slowly crushing the life out of me.

I know that there is a lot of stress in our lives at the moment - even though when I ask him if he's stressed about X, he says plays it down (not sure if I believe it though, because his behaviour says otherwise), so maybe that's all it is.

I just wish we could just get a break in the pressure. After 7 months of hard slog, I'm starting to question whether I can get through this without having a complete meltdown.
 
Always take care of yourself first! If this relationship is bad for your mental health, which it sounds like it is, get out now.

Thanks Theresa. It's a tricky one though, isn't it? Relationships take commitment to work, and it's hard to know if he's just going through a bad patch, and things will get better once some of the stressors (external to our relationship) are removed, assuming they ARE removed at some point!

I'm not ready to quit yet, I just needed somewhere to vent. Most days I can find my way through and change my mindset, which generally improves relations between us somewhat, but sometimes I need to indulge in a big long "Woe Is Me" session first...
 
Oh, I neglected to mention that I'm under a lot of stress from extternal sources, and this is just the straw, etc. I've noticed that when I'm stressed, I get anxious, and when I get anxious, all my old fears get stirred up, and when that happens I start becoming hypervigilant to any signs of "danger" in the relationship. It just makes everything worse. I'm constantly terrified that he is going to turn around and break it off with me at any moment. But I can't explain why it's so terrifying. I know I will be okay - eventually - even if the worst happens. Although whether I am brave enough to enter any relationship after this... unlikely. But if it turns out that he doesn't care about this relationship anyway, then why the hell should I keep trying?
 
Yes, relationships are hard and they're always work. Can you get away to visit family or friends for a few days? Maybe just step away from the situation and have some time to yourself and let him have some too? That may be a good "reset" for you both. Just thinking out loud here.
 
I understand - truly. The fear of relationships, the fear of failure, the fear of being alone, etc.........you will make it. There's a lot of people in here, including me, that you're more than welcome to lean on and be able to talk to. :-) You'll get through this.
 
Yes, relationships are hard and they're always work. Can you get away to visit family or friends for a few days?

They sure are. I am planning a trip away in a months' time - I think that will help. I know that I will leave if it never gets better, but right now all I'm trying to work out is whether it's his PTSD that's driving his detachment, or whether he really just doesn't care for me anymore. And yes, the distinction does matter, because if it's the former, there's a chance that things will get better if/when we can remove some of his stressors. I can't get a straight answer out of him though - I don't even HE knows how he feels atm. I have just been reading a post by another sufferer of PTSD on this forum, and she described feeling exactly what I am observing in my guy. She said she feels numb, she doesn't feel anything for her partner anymore. She's wondering whether to stay or go, too.

I understand - truly. The fear of relationships, the fear of failure, the fear of being alone, etc

Thank you. Yes, unfortunately I've come into this relationship with a LOT of baggage, which I am now trying very hard to unpack as quietly as possible, so I know that there are days that I stress him out, simply because I am trying out new ways of managing my anxiety - it doesn't always work (I have GAD as well). Thanks for your words of support, appreciated.
 
I've had many days/weeks/months where I've felt the same way as your boyfriend does now. I didn't know if it was me or the relationship or life in general either. My husband and I got divorced, I got sober (I was drinking constantly to escape my physical and mental pain), he got his life in order, and now we're boyfriend/girlfriend - living together, in the process of buying a house together, and planning the rest of our lives together. I guess what I'm getting at is that the time away from each other to get ourselves straightened out personally, well it made us a better couple. We communicate better now and things are much better. Is your boyfriend in counseling or are you two in couples counseling? Maybe he would be able to work through the questions in his head if he talked to someone besides you or someone close to him. I know I can talk to my psychologist about things I don't talk to anybody else about. Just a suggestion. I still think marriage should be either cancelled or maybe just delayed, but it's not the right time for that step right now. It's not a good idea for you or your son. But that's just my opinion. I'm not a professional, just a person who deals with PTSD, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain daily - so take any of my words with a grain of salt. Hoping it helps you just to be able to get it out and talk to someone and maybe get another point of view. Wishing you the absolute best! :-)
 
Thanks @Theresa1122. I loved reading your story - that's so great that you and your man were able to get it together and resume your relationship.

My guy has a pyschiatrist, who he talks to about our relationship. I wish he had a psychologist to talk to as well, but he says he's barely coping with the 3 weekly commitment of his psych as it is. I have suggested couples counselling, but he's dead against it, for the same reason.

He keeps saying to me that he will end the relationship if he decides that it is negatively impacting on his recovery. I totally get that being in a relationship generates more stress in his life than being alone (I think that's true for everyone!), but I strongly suspect that the main problem here is that this relationship is forcing him to step outside of his comfort zone and face his fears - and he's not ready to do that. I have to accept the possibility that the relationship might end because of this.

I managed to get in a session with my VVCS counsellor yesterday arvo, and we had a really productive discussion. We identified that the combination of external stressors and internal tension within our relationship is stretching him to breaking point right now. There's no point pushing him to discuss our relationship issues when he is barely coping. So I've pulled right back - the only mention I made of our argument when I got home last night was to say that I was sorry that things got really stressful and that I would do my best to give him a break. He mumbled a thank-you and I've pretty much just left him alone since then. Normally I expect him to get up and give me a hug before I head off to work in the morning, but this morning, even though I was bright and cheery, I said, you don't have to get up, wished him a good day and headed off. Hopefully he will come back to himself soon, if I just take a step back and let him do his own thing for a few days. Fingers crossed it will help relieve his stress!
 
I'm so glad to know that he has been talking to a professional and I'm glad you had a chance to talk too. Take their advice and I'll keep my fingers crossed with you for the best the happen. The best may be splitting up, but hopefully everything will get better. I'm so glad you're on here and we can talk. :-)
 
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