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Survivors Guilt And Very Low Self Worth Image

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I'm Not sure this is in the right forum or even where to begin so I guess I'll just jump right in.

One year ago I left my husband of 20 years. He was mentally verbally and emotionally abusive. After I left he tried to rape and kill me and shot and killed himself in front of me.

We have a grown son and a small son. I have never-ending guilt that I took their dad away from them and that by finally standing up for myself I have destroyed my children's life. And yes I know I didn't pull the trigger but that doesn't stop the immense guilt.

The other thing that is really bothering me right now is my low self worth. I cannot shake the feelings that I do not deserve to be happy. That I do not deserve to have a good life. That the only thing I deserve is to get my children raised and then curl up and die in my old age.

I am just going through the days. There are all So empty and meaningless.

I have zero family period and only 2 friends. One is 200 miles away and one is over 1,000 miles away.

I'm not sure what my question is maybe just a sympathetic ear
 
I love guilt.

I can tell you straight up that not only are you not responsible for him shooting himself, but that I'm glad he did, rather than shoot your kids, then you, then himself...which is more usually how this scene plays out.

But I'm sure that will matter as little to you, as someone telling me my own guilt isn't warranted.

What I can tell you, is that a lot of my guilt? Is me being a control-freak. If it's my fault? Then I can fix it. That's simply not how life works sometimes, but I've got the bit between my teeth on it. If it's my fault, I can fix it. Nope. Not always. Not even when it's actually my fault. Much less when I'm appropriating blame that don't belong to me.
 
By feeling the way you do about yourself, you are self-abusing. Common in people who have been through hell in their lives. Hopefully, all that will turn around some with therapy and purging your life of all the poisonous people around you.
 
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