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The Fear...

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Ocean5

MyPTSD Pro
Confession...my father is a "radical Christian" whom I fear more than anything you see on news. I've read his confessions to murdering innocent women and children. Slaughtering would be better term.
I wake-up each morning in fear and terror. Just wanting to wash my mind clear.

- I never walk with flow of traffic on street. Always against it. Less a chance of van pulling up behind me to snatch me.
- I live in a secure building. 2 locks to get in. Police always nearby. You will be on camera just by approaching building. Another 3-4 cameras before getting to my apartment.
- Then I have door jam & police grade pepper spray at bed.
- More than capable of defending myself - yet I know how crazy you people are.
- My internet address (IP) always changes to protect me. I can change state or country location in seconds.

Yes I do this for protection against my own father. How sad is that?
 
Oh my gracious, I am so sorry that you have to live this way. As shimmerz noted, I wish you peace as well, and that in time you can also have more of a sense of safety. It has to be horribly, emotionally challenging to live that way every moment of your life, especially due to your father. Sending safe vibes your way. Stay safe. VB
 
Thank you @Link Removed and @Link Removed
for support. Even reading what I wrote makes me want to cry. I've lived like this for so long it's become normal to me. My body and mind are so tired....
and terrorist attacks push me to the edge. Reminding me of what some people are capable of.

It's so hard to even comprehend myself how I live. My entire adult life I always lived within blocks of a police station. Yet friends consider me an explorer and very brave. They don't know the fear I live in. The fear I was raised in.

My first apartment after college. When landlord told me District Attorney lived on street. I rented studio out of excitement for more safety. I figured police would regularly patrol this quiet street, and most likely plain clothes officers where around.
 
Sad? That any child needs to protect themselves from those whom should be protecting them? Yes.

Clever, strong, & brave as f*ck how you've managed it? Not just yes, but Hell yes.

That's not sad. Furthest thing from.

Bravery isn't the absence of fear. Brave is being afraid, and doing it any way.
 
I agree with Cashew - you are very strong and intelligent to have gotten through living with your father in your life, and now dealing with building a life for yourself while trying to heal from the fall-out. Brave and smart, indeed. You Go Ocean5! VB
 
Totally understand, I take similar precautions but because of my abusive mother. (((((((((@Ocean5)))))))
 
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