Firstly I would like to say this is new for me and I am trying to heal so I think that letting this out is a good thing.
I am a 25 year old female with Bi Polar Type 2. I have had anxiety and emotional instability since I can remember. I was diagnosed at 21 but am pretty sure that I have had symptoms since before age 10, there was just no one around to notice. I grew up with my Mom and Brother. My mom has Aspergers ( A mild form of Autism) and therefore has a very limited range of social understanding. She was raised in Soviet Russia so no one ever knew, people just thought she was weird at that was all. Because of her culture, she did what any woman was supposed to do. She got married and had kids. She does not read body language or voice intonation. She could never see that something was wrong. At any point no matter what happened. Other peoples emotions did not register to her. Growing up, there was no adult or parent in the house. My brother was 6 years older than me. I have suffered a variety of sexual abuse in my life, but I had repressed all of it. Only recently did it start coming back.
I have started having flashbacks, remembering things that I cant remember. It is confusing. I ask myself, is this a memory, did that happen, is it an imagined thought?
I have been doing research. I started being sexual at a very young age, before puberty. I also remembered my first lesbian experience, recently after having a consensual lesbian encounter. When I think I was between 8 and 10 I had a friend and we role played mom and dad. I was always the dad, the aggressor.
I am starting to ask myself if I was sexually molested before my memory formed, which is before the age of 4. My brother always babysat me. He was always a strange kid. I caught him masterbating many times when I was growing up and he was a teen and pre teen.
Could he have touched me when I was 3 or 4? Would I remember that? Would it have had lasting effects on my sexuality? During all of my other non consensual encounters I never fought back, I thought I deserved to be taken and let it happen and even pretended to enjoy it most of the time. My logic was if they think i like it, they wont hurt me. I even started studying sex and orgasm to teach myself about how to enjoy it if it was going to happen.
As the memories come back they are going backwards, has that ever happened to anyone? The first one I remembered was a rape at 16, then it was backwards to things that happened at 13, then 12, then 10 and now Im having memories of my own sexuality before that....
I would love to know if anyone has ever experienced memory regression like this. I recently was triggered into a manic depressive episode by a variety of painful experiences, and the memories started to come back for the first time in my life....I am seeking professional help but unsure about whether I should divulge this to my health care provider.
Please help me.
I am a 25 year old female with Bi Polar Type 2. I have had anxiety and emotional instability since I can remember. I was diagnosed at 21 but am pretty sure that I have had symptoms since before age 10, there was just no one around to notice. I grew up with my Mom and Brother. My mom has Aspergers ( A mild form of Autism) and therefore has a very limited range of social understanding. She was raised in Soviet Russia so no one ever knew, people just thought she was weird at that was all. Because of her culture, she did what any woman was supposed to do. She got married and had kids. She does not read body language or voice intonation. She could never see that something was wrong. At any point no matter what happened. Other peoples emotions did not register to her. Growing up, there was no adult or parent in the house. My brother was 6 years older than me. I have suffered a variety of sexual abuse in my life, but I had repressed all of it. Only recently did it start coming back.
I have started having flashbacks, remembering things that I cant remember. It is confusing. I ask myself, is this a memory, did that happen, is it an imagined thought?
I have been doing research. I started being sexual at a very young age, before puberty. I also remembered my first lesbian experience, recently after having a consensual lesbian encounter. When I think I was between 8 and 10 I had a friend and we role played mom and dad. I was always the dad, the aggressor.
I am starting to ask myself if I was sexually molested before my memory formed, which is before the age of 4. My brother always babysat me. He was always a strange kid. I caught him masterbating many times when I was growing up and he was a teen and pre teen.
Could he have touched me when I was 3 or 4? Would I remember that? Would it have had lasting effects on my sexuality? During all of my other non consensual encounters I never fought back, I thought I deserved to be taken and let it happen and even pretended to enjoy it most of the time. My logic was if they think i like it, they wont hurt me. I even started studying sex and orgasm to teach myself about how to enjoy it if it was going to happen.
As the memories come back they are going backwards, has that ever happened to anyone? The first one I remembered was a rape at 16, then it was backwards to things that happened at 13, then 12, then 10 and now Im having memories of my own sexuality before that....
I would love to know if anyone has ever experienced memory regression like this. I recently was triggered into a manic depressive episode by a variety of painful experiences, and the memories started to come back for the first time in my life....I am seeking professional help but unsure about whether I should divulge this to my health care provider.
Please help me.