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Childhood Sexual Abuse As A Child.

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Leezkali

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Firstly I would like to say this is new for me and I am trying to heal so I think that letting this out is a good thing.

I am a 25 year old female with Bi Polar Type 2. I have had anxiety and emotional instability since I can remember. I was diagnosed at 21 but am pretty sure that I have had symptoms since before age 10, there was just no one around to notice. I grew up with my Mom and Brother. My mom has Aspergers ( A mild form of Autism) and therefore has a very limited range of social understanding. She was raised in Soviet Russia so no one ever knew, people just thought she was weird at that was all. Because of her culture, she did what any woman was supposed to do. She got married and had kids. She does not read body language or voice intonation. She could never see that something was wrong. At any point no matter what happened. Other peoples emotions did not register to her. Growing up, there was no adult or parent in the house. My brother was 6 years older than me. I have suffered a variety of sexual abuse in my life, but I had repressed all of it. Only recently did it start coming back.

I have started having flashbacks, remembering things that I cant remember. It is confusing. I ask myself, is this a memory, did that happen, is it an imagined thought?

I have been doing research. I started being sexual at a very young age, before puberty. I also remembered my first lesbian experience, recently after having a consensual lesbian encounter. When I think I was between 8 and 10 I had a friend and we role played mom and dad. I was always the dad, the aggressor.

I am starting to ask myself if I was sexually molested before my memory formed, which is before the age of 4. My brother always babysat me. He was always a strange kid. I caught him masterbating many times when I was growing up and he was a teen and pre teen.

Could he have touched me when I was 3 or 4? Would I remember that? Would it have had lasting effects on my sexuality? During all of my other non consensual encounters I never fought back, I thought I deserved to be taken and let it happen and even pretended to enjoy it most of the time. My logic was if they think i like it, they wont hurt me. I even started studying sex and orgasm to teach myself about how to enjoy it if it was going to happen.

As the memories come back they are going backwards, has that ever happened to anyone? The first one I remembered was a rape at 16, then it was backwards to things that happened at 13, then 12, then 10 and now Im having memories of my own sexuality before that....

I would love to know if anyone has ever experienced memory regression like this. I recently was triggered into a manic depressive episode by a variety of painful experiences, and the memories started to come back for the first time in my life....I am seeking professional help but unsure about whether I should divulge this to my health care provider.

Please help me.
 
You should seek therapy, yes...and you will need to talk about this in therapy, but you may have to work up to doing so.
 
My stuff came back in a similar way. I questioned if it was a memory or made up. I remembered things in patterns such as time of year, holidays, Christmases, or birthdays. I could remember things like what happened on my 8th birthday then I would remember my 9th and when I had those items settled I would move into another facet like holidays.
It is tough. At times I can't sleep with blankets, I take 5 showers in a day, or every noise that is unusual can make me anxious. I am married and my husband doesn't know. He is the type of guy who would either leave me if he knew or he would use information against me in an argument. It isn't his fault, his parents were really messed up and sometimes I don't think he even realizes there is another way to fight other than dirty. Anyway, this is a journey it isn't a mini vacation. You won't work through it in days or probably even weeks. With that said, be kind to yourself and just let the memories come as organically as you can. Don't push yourself to remember. When you do remember be kind to yourself. Keep talking and hang in there! I hope you have a good support group....
 
I am seeking professional help but unsure about whether I should divulge this to my health care provider.

This would be appropriate to share with a therapist, but you don't have to worry about it right away. I say that because it takes me a long time to warm up to anyone, even a good therapist, and I'm still ashamed of some of my early sex stuff and confused by gaps (I acted out really atypical sex play with friends and dolls, inserting things...I wasn't aggressive but definitely in charge and on a mission). Super difficult.

I also relate to dissociating during sex. I tried to kill myself after an assault that wasn't very violent (I was drunk) but what he did was bad enough on it's own, and worse that it triggered older stuff. I went limp right away (and beat myself up for a long time for not fighting, because I didn't understand that I numbed and vacated my body in a trauma response). I've also gone limp and nearly fainted during gyno exams, but have a doctor that's good at keeping a nurse in the room, an extra set of eyes if my eyes roll back in my head. Anyway, I don't know how to have sex without disconnecting so I avoid it. I also became horrified by my own lack of boundaries...like what I would let people do to me, even when I thought I wanted respect but didn't know how to say no or stop.

I'd echo what has been said already about not pushing yourself to remember. Just find a therapist, ideally a trauma specialist, and work on feeling safe with that first.
 
I'm new to recovery and am also dealing with my memories coming back one by one. Starting at when I was 10yrs old, then going back to when I was about 3-4yrs old. I'm scared to find out what else I have forgotten over the years but know the only way I can deal with it is when my mind is triggered to remember it and go from there. I honestly don't remember much from my childhood and the things I do remember aren't good memories.
 
I had a similar experience of the memories going backwards. They started as flashbacks in my sleep, body memories I wasn't sure were real, except that I could feel them, deeply and painfully. The rest started coming out in therapy.

A good question to ask yourself is whether you want to remember what happened fully, especially if it was at such a young age. I know I have enough kicking around in my head that I'm in no rush to bring more into the mix. :confused:
 
Firstly I would like to say this is new for me and I am trying to heal so I think that letting this out...
I have flashbacks and incomplete memories. I can't tell what actually happened and what didn't, or I know it happened but can't remember all of it. I have a flashback, from when I was a child, but I can't see the man's face. I've been having flashbacks all day and I'm trying not to curl into a ball.
 
@Brenton I get the memories back in little fragments at first, along with the " canned " emotions that I had to not feel to survive.
It's terrifically painful when it happens.
Since I like to dive in and get it out, I usually write or post what I get? This usually brings more details.
 
@Brenton I get the memories back in little fragments at first, along with the " can...
I wrote my first novel during a nervous breakdown, and my 2nd one is in the midst of the fallout from that period. The first book started out as a suicide note, but became a story (fiction) which is closely based on me and where I was at the time. It got good reviews, especially from abuse survivors. But its really graphic with the drug use and self-harm so some found it triggering, but "Honest."
 
Memories going backwards? Yes. I've been told that, for me, my brain understands the later memories better (because I was older at the time & could better understand what was happening). so the older memories are safer for my brain to give me access to first. Still got snippets of junk that happened when I was 4, but I've put it to the side for now while I deal with the other stuff - can't completely control what & when my head throws at me, but I can avoid actively encouraging it to come out.

You can absolutely trust your memories, but what to do with them is a completely different issue - that's why it's so important to have a T to help you process the memories as they come. Traumatic memories don't come on their own, they come with a great big entourage of emotions.

As frustrating as it is not knowing your own past, try and be patient with yourself. If there is something to find hidden away in your head, it may or may not be all that nice. Take care of yourself and work with a T to allow your head to go at the pace that you and your head both feel safe with.
 
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