Flower Power
Learning
I totally can relate to this. Being wounded by the ones closest to us really messes with our heads in that we are afraid to not just love them but anyone else for that matter. Love and Fear cannot exist in the same breath. They cancel each other out. Fear extinguishes any love that could be possible when you are worried about surviving. I have backed away from almost all of my family because it is not safe to love them because they are so vicious in their dysfunctional methods of relating, which look more like "dog eat dog" and "draw first blood" versus actually having a decent relationship where both people are being real. When being authentic is not ok in a family, everyone is terrified of coming out from behind their walls, then no loving relationship is possible.Love requires being open. I cannot be open with these people. I do not trust them and they have proven over many years that they can cause me extreme pain with their callusness, hardness, harsh words, etc, abandonment and rejection. I do have people in my life that don't act like this and treat me like a decent human being. Sometimes we just have to seek out healthier relationships with healthier people for our own good and for our own survival. I know that I read recently it said that the reason there is so much deep anguish and desperation in seeking relationship with parents is because our very existence and survival depended on them as a child. If they didn't like us, want us, care for us etc., it mean't as a infant, child, etc we would probably be left some where under a bush to die. It is an instinctual desperation to be noticed, to be seen, to be acknowledged so we could survive. Now that we are older and we hopefully are no longer dependent on them to this degree we can breathe on our own. It doesn't however mean that we have broken the habbit of the desperate returning cycle of constantly seeking acceptance and acknowledgement from those who have denied giving it to us. It is not love that gives them the power over you, it is seeking their approval and acceptance and allowing that to determine what you think about yourself. Using their BS to determine your value or lack of value, that is the trap. If they like me, see me, accept me than I am ok. If they don't than I am a worthless, and unworthy of being loved. No! Reframe! I am an awesome, incredible human being, who happens to love some very messed up people. They are not in charge of determining how I think and value myself. God is and he says I am his, and I am awesome and extremely loved.I fear the people I love, because by loving them I hand them the power to destroy me.